Tag Archive: sister


We Get A New House Guest

*sigh* ok, so I’m just going to jump right into things. Friday of last week my sister brought home a friend of hers, who she hasn’t known for very long, around midnight. He was homeless as his adoptive parents had kicked him out. He has been in trouble for fighting, been through rehab and is currently trying to accumulate 8 hours of community service because he was caught stealing. My mom has taken him under her wing, as she is prone to do, and has decided she wants to put him through college. He was originally supposed to have left yesterday for his birthmother’s home somewhere in eastern Washington. My mom has spent over $200 on clothes for him, because all of his clothes are currently at an ex-girlfriends house. Keep in mind last week she told me we couldn’t afford $30 in compost for our back yard, and that we have been without a functioning furnace for a year. My sisters window is also broken because someone shot a BB through it, and she has dry rot in her bedrooms external wall. We also don’t have a functioning second bathroom, as the fan is broken and the shower head was removed so it could be replaced about 6 months ago.

The boy’s name is Josh. I’ve spoken to him very little, mostly because I don’t like him and also because he’s home even less than my sister. My mom set an 11:30 curfew on tuesday which he and my sister broke that night because he turned 18 on wednesday and wanted to go buy a cigar. Instead of being in trouble my mom did nothing. Last night he came home “hella high” (his exact words) and my mom literally just said “yeah, well” and then made him food because he had the munchies. I have already told my mom once that I don’t want him living here for very long, but since I didn’t have a clear reason (I couldn’t find the words to explain why I didn’t want him living here) she brushed me off. I will be talking to her again tonight because yesterday made me extremely uncomfortable. Josh spends all of his time at my sister’s friend Britney’s house, where he smokes weed all day because her parents grow pot for her moms MS. None of them work, and Britney dropped out of high school because she was pregnant. She’s actually in my grade, and we used to be friends freshman year. I stopped talking to her because I saw how her life was going, and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wrong about that.

Instead of doing anything about the illegal drug use, my mom has said that because its summer it doesn’t really matter. In all honesty I’m just disappointed in her. Why does she keep making bad decisions like this?! Buying a fifth of scotch for my sister to take on a camping trip, and now supporting this illegal drug use in our own home? REALLY? What part of that is acceptable parenting? She took Josh in because he was going to a dead-end town and she wanted better for him. Apparently smoking pot here and wasting is life on his girlfriends couch (he and Britney started dating almost immediately after he moved in) is better than doing the same thing at his moms house.

My mom took the day off of work on monday to deal with all of his crap. She called his case worker (I’m going to call her that because I don’t actually know what she is) about getting his volunteer hours done so he wouldn’t go to jail for stealing. He spent 3.5 hours on Tuesday working in the garden I intern at. I was at the food bank that day for the Summer Feeding Program we do for the kids who go there with their parents. He was supposed to have finished his hours on Wednesday, but dislocated his wrist within half an hour of being there and had to be sent home. He apparently didn’t even want to come, and had to be talked into it by Britney and my sister. My mom also called the state to see about his Foster Care info on Monday. There were like 3 other things she did for him but I don’t remember what it all was. It was a lot of time and energy spent on her part though, and given his lack of concern with it all I’m not sure it made a difference. She plans on taking him to JobCore next tuesday; a company that will help educate him and find him somewhere to work, since he quit his job when he became homeless. I don’t want him to stay in the house that long.

I plan on telling my mom how disappointed I am with how she handled things yesterday, and that I no longer trust her to make the right decisions for my sister or I, because she has demonstrated poor judgment multiple times now. I also plan on telling her how uncomfortable I felt with the situation yesterday and that I want Josh to leave. I worked to avoid that sort of thing my whole life and having it at home makes me uncomfortable. I consider my house a place of refuge from the outside world, but when the outside world gets brought in and theres no rules governing it, I get extremely distraught. I ended up doing the dishes and putting myself to bed because I was so uncomfortable with how dysfunctional things were. I’m not looking forward to talking to my mom at all, but my cousins and aunts agree that my mom is in the wrong here and I should talk to her about it.

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My mom and I got into a huge fight a couple days ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever been in a fight of this scale with her before. My sister has, for weeks, been neglecting her chores, and finally we started talking about it. My sister’s only chore in the house has been to do the dishes, while I do the gardening, the dog poop scooping, the vacuuming, dusting, moping, and taking out of recycling, garbage and compost. Seems fair, right? But because my sister is never home, she feels that she shouldn’t be responsible for the dishes because very few of them are ever hers. A perfectly valid argument, but when its ones only chore, I have a hard time being sympathetic. My mom tried to talk to her about it, while I was there, and my sister was on her phone and watching TV throughout the conversation. It was incredibly rude as far as I’m concerned, and I don’t know why my mom tolerated it. I think I said maybe 4 or 5 words throughout the whole ordeal, since it wasn’t my place to say much of anything, and only spoke up when I felt it necessary. Eventually my sister got so frustrated by not being able to get out of her chores she was close to just walking out of the house (she had the door open and everything). I don’t remember what my mom said to make her stay, but she did, and my sister eventually just decided that she would be doing her own dishes and her own laundry and would sweep the house occasionally and that would be that. My mom completely rolled over and gave her a hug and a kiss and $20 to go have fun with friends. I was in complete disbelief at the whole situation.

I went back into the kitchen to finish making my dinner (this whole thing started because everything I needed to make dinner for myself was dirty and I wanted to know what officially was going to happen with the dishes), and my mom immediately turned on me to tell me that I needed to watch my attitude. I didn’t even let her finish her sentence because I was beyond furious that she was berating me after my sisters display. Especially since I had spoken maybe twice, and had eeeeevery right to be mad about my sisters lack of help around the house. She had tried to use the excuse that she was too busy and too tired during the week to do any amount of chores (this is while she’s waiting for a friend to come and pick her up mind). I told my mom: “you don’t get to try and parent me after not parenting her.” She was instantly mad and said: “you don’t get to tell me how to be a fucking parent.” It only escalated from there, and much of what was said I cannot remember in detail. I basically told her that her current “parenting” technique wasn’t working, and that she had just rewarded my sister for walking all over her. I told her that there hadn’t been any form of reprimand or consequences in our house for years, and that it was entirely unacceptable how my sister had been behaving.

She asked me angrily what specifically she should do, especially in regards to me, since I was the one asking for punishment. She brought up the fact that I had tried to buy a dyson vacuum (something I’ve wanted for years) against her wishes but had been unable to do so because of insufficient funds (she had borrowed money from me and hadn’t paid me back yet when I tried to buy it [which I didn’t realize]). I told her that she should’ve taken my debit card away, or withheld gas money. There should have been SOMETHING to teach me how to better manage my money, which she has genuinely never sat me down to do. Ever. She basically admitted to not parenting us at all, and that she had not given us chores or anything of that nature when we were younger so we could have happier childhoods. I asked what that had taught us, and she asked me what chores I specifically wanted to do around the house. I said that I was happy doing all of the things I already did, but that because my sister lived with us she needed to have some form of chores as well. And I brought up that it had taken me years to figure out that I wanted a clean house (which I really only discovered because I was tired of living in a filthy home, but I didn’t say that).

She was furious with me for speaking my mind. Oh! Several weekends ago my sister wanted to go on a camping trip with some friends. She got in a big fight with my mom about money and how she didn’t have access to her savings account. After having a large fight, my mom gave her a large chunk of money and bought her a 5th of whiskey to take on her camping trip. Keep in mind that my sister is 17, and that my mom only just finished a custody battle. I brought that up during our fight, and she said that my sister had brought that bottle back more than half full, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, and that I was one to talk because I drink wine whenever I’m with my neighbors. I said that I felt that was different because I was with family friends and that I wasn’t drinking to get drunk, nor was I drinking hard alcohol. And I said that I only started drinking because I had been pressured into it by her, which is genuinely true. She pressured me for years to drink wine with her and the neighbors, and when I went to J’s house immediately after this fight to talk about it, she agreed and remembered witnessing it. My mom, naturally, felt differently. She said that she had never done that and that if I felt that way it was entirely my fault. She swore at me several times throughout the fight, though she never directly insulted me. I find swearing to be unnecessary, and especially in those circumstances, when the goal of arguing is to get the other person to understand your perspective. I’m sure I could’ve been more articulate, but I feel like for the most part I did ok.

We went to the movies together the day after that (yesterday), because we had originally planned to go the day of the fight. She asked if I hated her, like she always does after we have any sort of disagreement, to which I always reply no. I asked her the same question, and she told me that she was proud of me. I struggled to keep from laughing. I’ve lost all respect for her I’ve realized. She consistently rewards appalling behavior, and takes no responsibility for anything. When your child is telling you there aren’t enough rules in the house, and that they think they should be punished for their own bad behavior, and you laugh in their face and tell them that everything is fine, something is extremely wrong. She joked about some of the points I made during the argument, and said that if she really was a bad parent she wouldn’t have stood up to me. I just see it as being thick headed and stubborn. I’m sad more than anything. This ordeal made me realize that I’ve truly outgrown my mother, and that I actually have been more mature than her for some time. She has no control over this house or her children, and often puts down the one who sees whats wrong and is willing to speak up about it (me) instead of the child who is misbehaving, doing poorly in school, and is drinking irresponsibly and doing drugs.

Depression, It Never Ends

I’ve gotten rather depressed again. For the last 4 or 5 days I was a ‘new’ kind of depressed, where I seemed to have no emotion at all. I felt like a zombie. There was… just… nothing. I had no real emotions, nothing more pressing than eating to act on, and I slept as often as I could. If I wasn’t sleeping I was just laying in bed and staring into oblivion. Yesterday I made a huge effort to force myself out of that and went to a volunteer meeting thing with a couple friends from class. I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but a few weeks ago I volunteered for a few hours collecting signatures to try and gain the support of state representatives so that we can get initiative 522 (the labeling of genetically engineered foods) passed this coming november. It was really fun last time I went, and I knew I would have fun this time, even though it wasn’t the same kind of thing at all, but I did end up going. The three of us had a good time and mostly just goofed around for about three hours. The meeting was entirely pointless as far as I was concerned, but the time with friends was crucial I think.

M and I went out to lunch today. We hardly talk any more. Ever since she found this boyfriend of hers, K, she hardly speaks to me at all. And despite her promise to not be one of those girls who brings her boyfriend along to everything, every single time we’ve talked about hanging out she has mentioned bringing him along. I’ve only hung out with her twice without him (three times counting today). He’s nice enough. I can’t tell if I’d get along with him better if he wasn’t constantly being forced on me. M is greatly concerned with whether I like him or not, but to be honest I don’t really know how I feel. I’m remaining distant at this point because talking to her any more exhausts me, and I’m sick of having to be interested in K. He met her dad this weekend. I’ve been friends with her since the 6th grade, and I haven’t even met her dad (her parents are divorced and he lives out of the state, but still).

I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and what very little motivation I had for life is gone again. I have a huge pile of homework to do, and I’ve continued to put it off for far too long. There are only two weeks left in the quarter. I just don’t know what to do with myself. And more importantly, I don’t seem to care. The only person I would talk to about this kind of stuff is M, and she’s too busy with work and K to talk to me. She works until 10 usually, and he goes home with her (they both work at the Y together) and doesn’t leave until 5am, if at all. Which means she’s too tired to talk to me during the day, or too distracted to talk to me at our usual 11-1 am time after work. I’m alone again. I haven’t been truly alone in, well, over a year now. I’d forgotten what it was like. Sure, I have friends, but don’t share that same deep connection with any of them like I did with M. And the real trouble is that its made me realize that I really am not an important piece in her life. I will always be a friend, and never family. I’m not mad at her at all. This isn’t her fault. She’s wanted a boyfriend/husband and children for longer than we’ve been friends, and I can’t blame her for being whole-heartedly excited when that’s finally come into her life. She and K have been dating for just over a month now, and everyone that works with them is talking about marriage. I do too, just to try and show how happy I am for her, even though I don’t really mean any of it.

I say how cute they are together, and how they’ll be married by August (she’s always wanted an August wedding), and the jokes they’ll have to play on their kids. K’s 22 and owns several acres in Idaho, which M has been to see already, and she thinks its gorgeous out there. She jokes that if they get married I’ll have to come and live out there with them. I hope I wasn’t too obvious about being completely against that idea. I don’t ever intend on leaving Western Washington. And if I do, the only place I can even imagine going is to the UK. And even then. I am not a city dweller I don’t think.

I feel so useless. I just want to be needed again, even if it is only by one person. I don’t feel needed at all at the moment. No one’s world would stop spinning if I suddenly wasn’t here. Not that I’m seriously contemplating suicide. I haven’t got the strength for that at all. It requires far too much planning and work. I have written out a suicide note or two in my head, just to organize my thoughts into how I feel about the people around me. Trying to summarize your feelings for someone in a short letter really makes you evaluate your relationship with them I think. And then who all would I write to? My mother, my sister (if only to tell her to stop being so incredibly stupid in everything she does), M, my neighbors, my aunts… I suppose my cousin would deserve one too. She and I always got along best, because she was a book worm like I was for many years. Oh and Amber of course! I couldn’t forget my dearest Amber. Fortunately those 7 letters are far too many to write, and I can’t be bothered to write a summary of the book I just read, so writing out all the nonsense I think of those people would be far too much. Its so much easier to just lie in bed and not think about anything. To have a perfectly empty mind. *sigh*

Alright. Its late and I really haven’t finished my summary/response to this reading that’s due tomorrow yet, so I’m going to sign off now. I’ll talk to all again soon. Though hopefully not too soon. I seem to only post in my most desperate of times I feel like any more.

Oh, and this is my 777’th post! How exciting!

Getting Sick

I’m honestly more mad about this than the potential to have cancer. My sister has some bacterial infection, similar to strep throat, and has been home coughing up a storm all week. Guess who’s started coughing, and has those tell-tale body aches one gets when sick? Yeah. So when I go to the doctor, I’ll be turning my head and coughing more than necessary. How delightful.

In other news, (and I hope you’re all aware of the fact that I provide far too much information about myself on this blog and are prepared for whats to come) I had to go to the bathroom earlier today, and noticed I was rather was rather warm (if you catch my meaning), and thus decided to give myself one last examination, where there was good lighting and I could see everything properly before tomorrow. To my surprise, my testicle has become rather visibly deformed, appearing slightly bean like in shape, and a very noticeable bump (which for some reason I have been unable to feel/ had not noticed before) was… well… very noticeable. It’s a dark color and showed right through my skin, when things were pulled and pushed correctly. I honestly don’t know how I hadn’t noticed it before.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share that with you. I’ll definitely be pointing that out with my doctor. Oh, have I addressed my rather extreme concern as to what I’m to do with my hands during my examination? I don’t know how I couldn’t have, I’ve talked to almost all of my friends about it.

Ugh, and now I’m going to sleep because it’s very late and I’ve been exhausted, despite sleeping in until 9 (I decided to listen to my Anthropology teacher and skip that class today), and taking a nap around 6. I guess supporting cancer and some sort of bacteria can take a lot out of a person.

Oh, have I told you that I haven’t told my mom or sister about my suspected cancer, or my doctor’s visit tomorrow? I didn’t want to worry either of them, or have them pestering me constantly about it, so I figured I would wait and tell them after I had gotten home from the doctors and hopefully had a more clear answer to things. Thus the reason that I can’t skip math and then suddenly decide to go out to a nondescript location tomorrow. Blah, math is going to be murder. Maybe I’ll just sleep in my car for a couple hours… For the record, I full intend on coming home to shower before my appointment. And if my sister asks why, I’ll just tell her I’m off to have some sex. I came home from Art early today, because I wasn’t feeling good (though I told my sister that class had just gotten out early) and my sister started joking that I was lying and was just skipping school and doing drugs and having sex. So I think telling her that tomorrow will be great. Especially since I’ll probably come home and want to shower after the appointment, depending on if they do an ultrasound or not. Either way, it’ll make for an even funnier joke. I also fully intend to take a pregnancy test and leave it out for my mom to find to freak her out about my sister. Cause I’m mean like that, lol.

Sleep now!

You’re Never There

Since the return of my sister I-

Sorry, we seem to have a new ghost at my house. We haven’t had one in months, but this one loves to make the lightbulbs click. Its not a sound from the flipping of a switch; it originates within the bulbs themselves and is a once-made soft clicking noise. I’ve never heard this noise before, but the kitchen light is now usually where it comes from. It only happens when the lights are off. I’m upstairs in my room and just heard the kitchen light click. It was loud enough to be heard over the rain on my skylights, the motor of the filter on my fish tank, and the ticking of both of my clocks. I listened for a moment and then one of my light bulbs made the noise. There have also been unexplained bumping/thudding noises around the house. Always just a single tap though. Mostly in the dinning room or kitchen.

Anyway. Since my sister’s come-

Good lord. Apparently there’s an aid car at my neighbor’s neighbors right now. The sister of the man who shot himself. This woman has been known to have drunken panic attacks that have required an aid car to be called though, so that’s what my mom thinks it is. F has called an aid for her twice, once because he found her convulsing on her front lawn. She’s an extreme alcoholic. Her recycling consists almost entirely of wine bottles. How do I know you ask? We heard her take her recycling out this summer. Two houses away. It was all glass. F went over because her dog got out, and said the kitchen was full of wine bottles.

Alright, I’m going to attempt to write this post for a third time. Sister. Home. The first few days were awkward, but not so much anymore. We are basically back to how we used to be, but I’m much less involved/invested in her. We joke around, we talk about things we need to do on any given day, but emotionally I’m not invested in her. She has fallen right back in with her same old friends, and I’m not interested in it at all. I’ve basically cut my ‘at home’ time in half because I don’t really want to be around her. And my mother is twice as invested in her as she’s ever been in me. It’s honestly “your sister this, your sister that” whenever I talk to her, and so I’m avoiding her a little too. I know this may be selfish, but there’s really been no major effort to figure out how I’m feeling about any of this – not that I really even know at the moment. I haven’t sat down to process it. I haven’t sat down to process much of anything in a long time. I feel happier though. I’ve finally got a group of friends to hang out with, so if I need to I can leave and hang out with someone at a moments notice. I definitely feel like my maturity level has gone down though. I’ve lost something… but I couldn’t tell you what it was.

I basically unplug and go on autopilot whenever my mom talks to me. My answers are almost always one word long, and very little emotion goes into them. Both my mother and sister have joked about it, so I know they’ve noticed, but I don’t think either of them have stopped to consider why I respond that way. I just feel completely unimportant here. In my group of friends my personality is celebrated. Today I acted like one of my friends, to throw everyone off, and they said it freaked them out and that I needed to go back to acting like my normal aloof yet blatant self immediately. It wasn’t that I needed to stop acting like the other person, it was that I needed to act like myself that mattered to me. We all ended up having a heart to heart about our pasts, and all admitted to being depressed at one point or another. Though I definitely have them all beat, lol. I’m not sure why depression is something I’m comfortable joking with, but I think that it’s just become so much of who I am that poking fun at it is just like poking fun at any of my other traits. During our heart to heart I said, “Yeah, I struggle to find the will to get out of bed in the morning, or do simple tasks, and have been suicidal for years, lol. Its no big deal, haha.” Its to the point where I feel like I’m going to start getting better, simply because there’s no where else to go. I don’t know how I could feel any worse than I do already. Well, not right now. Right now I’m fine. I find my depression comes in waves. Sometimes its like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I struggle to find the energy to breathe. Other times I have completely normal days, at which point I become confused by the lack of depression.

To have this heart to heart today, I skipped class. I’ve been doing this A LOT this quarter. I’ve skipped at least one class at least once every week this quarter, which is completely unlike me. But I have an A in my Anthropology class, a C in Math, which is exactly what I want, and I’m assuming a B in Art Appreciation. I’ve been absent too many times to be getting full points for attendance/participation, even though I’m doing all my work. I end up having more fun if I skip, because my schedule is opposite half of my groups. It doesn’t help that my classes are dull and I’m not learning anything in them. And I haven’t had fun like this with friends… in a long long time. M and I have become distant, since she decided to go to school in Montana in the springtime. She’s leaving me in two months. We used to text constantly every day, and now we maybe send one or two texts here and there. We used to be a matched freaking set. We knew what the other was thinking at any given moment, we could finish each others sentences, we were the same person. I think the major thing that drove us apart, or at the very least put this distance between us, was the fact that we both went through an extremely difficult period of depression at the same time. A guy she had been basically dating (though it wasn’t official, [ -_- ]) didn’t want to have a long distance relationship with her while he was away at school. He broke her heart and didn’t even realize it. I don’t really know what put me in such a low state of being, but I do think that M’s low mood levels certainly effected my own.

We eventually came out of it, she much faster than I, and moved on. But it’s come to the point where we know everything about one another, and nothing new or exciting in life is happening for us to share. She’s leaving for school in two months, and in the mean time works evenings, when I’m off school. So even if we did want to hang out, we couldn’t. We’ve just grown apart I think. The worst part I think is that I saw it coming. I have a terrible knack of being able to predict the end of a friendship, and I noted ours going into decline months ago. There was nothing noticeable, nothing that would’ve been an obvious clue. Maybe one less text during the day, or a sentence less in a conversation, over the course of several days. I saw it coming though. And as much as I love M, I wasn’t going to try and stop this from happening. I saw the signs and remember acknowledging the moment I realized the friendship was in decline with a calm sort of respect. I was thankful for the times we had had together, sad that they were ending, but overall I was calm an accepting. I had finished a phase in my life. That said, M and I are practically soul mates, so I’m certain we will not fade entirely from one another’s lives. But the level of intimacy (and I use that word entirely for lack of a better one) we shared is gone, and I don’t see it ever returning. Which is fine I suppose.

Well now, I’ve typed your eyes off for long enough I think. Its definitely time for bed. Oh, and since halloween is tomorrow, I’ll tell you what I’m dressing up as. A beekeeper! I plan to go to school fully suited up. Driving to school should be fun too, lol.

I didn’t have time to post about this yesterday, but do you guys remember my neighbors who live two houses down from me? The ones where the father stabbed his son who had attacked his mother? Well, that son was recently released from jail and was going into rehab next week. Yesterday he lost it and shot both his mother and father in law, as well as his grandson (not at the house two houses down though). My neighbors F and S, who are friends with the man’s sister (the woman who currently lives two houses down) said that he killed his wife. After attacking his family he fled north where he killed himself in a rental car.

Here’s the link to the official news report if you’d like to read more. http://www.komonews.com/news/At-least-one-shot-in-Renton-area-176120421.html?m=y&smobile=y&clmob=y&c=n

While that all was going on, I was out to a short play with my mom, sister, grandpa and his wife. It was surprisingly fun. The play was a short, 40 minute thing performed at Molbec’s (a nursery a couple towns away), by the employ’s there. The nursery was fantastic, and my mom bought me a hanging pitcher plant. I have wanted one for YEARS. Its one of the proper large ones that would catch a small rodent. It was $40, the most expensive houseplant I’ve ever bought, but i think it was well worth it. It makes my room so much more exotic! I had a pitcher plant, about a year ago I think, that was a ground-dwelling variety. I managed to get it to bloom accidentally, but it never recovered and it died. This one is large and sturdy though, so lets hope it lasts longer than a few months. The tag it came with says it should be kept in 50% shade, but everything I read online says it needs bright, indirect sunlight. It also needs high humidity and lots of water, so I may just keep it in the bathroom and see what happens. If it appears unhappy I’ll move it.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I’m not looking forward to school tomorrow :/