Tag Archive: people


School Sometime Soon?

I’ve decided to go back to college. I’m thinking I’ll go to Evergreen in the fall. I have nothing to do right now because I don’t qualify for any of the jobs that look interesting to me. Evergreen is a weird college, in that you don’t have to take specific classes to get your degree. You don’t even have to declare a major necessarily. If you want to declare a major, you take classes that relate to your field of study, and that’s kind of it. And its a pass-fail system. Either you pass the class and get all of the credits for it, or you fail and you get none.

Anyway, they have an environmental studies degree that looks interesting. And they would take half of the credits from my Associates in Arts and Sciences and apply it to my bachelors, so I could potentially have a bachelors in a year. Which would make job hunting a lot easier. I think its something like 98% of people with BAs have jobs in their chosen field. Part of the problem right now is that I don’t know exactly what I want to do. There hasn’t been a job listing that I’ve found that fully encompasses what I think I want. I like working outdoors. I could help restore areas of land that have been effected by construction by replanting trees. Or I could work in the water department for the city. As much as I hate people, I like knowing I’m helping others have access to resources. Water management isn’t really that exciting, but it would give me a sense of purpose I think.

For the most part I’ve just been sitting at home. We got rid of our leather couch on friday. We’ve had it for about 13 years. My cousin got a job in Oregon, working for some company or other to help build helicopters. I’m not quite sure of his title. I think the word “rotor” was in it. Anyway, he needed some furniture. He took the couch and an end table from our house, and a couch and a few other things from my aunts. The green couch that was in my room went downstairs to replace the leather one. Now that’s its being used we’ve realized how much it stinks. Its older than I am, and has seen more pets than I have. Its thread bare, and when we took the seat covers off to wash them we saw that the cushions themselves were badly stained (my mom thought it might be mold). We can’t afford to replace it, but I’m hoping we can just replace the cushions and wash the rest and that will be enough. We’ll also be making/buying a slip cover because we definitely need something washable with 4 dogs running around.

Oh and our housemate has given his one month notice. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him at all. Potentially…? He’s my sisters best friend from elementary school? Moved in a couple of months ago? Anyway, he’s decided to move out and live with he and my sisters other friend. They’re getting an apartment together and they’re both gonna go to school. He was a decent housemate, but I won’t lie and say i’ll miss him. I don’t like having so many people in the house. It makes things too crowded, and we have so much stuff that it’s hard to move around comfortably. I can’t tell you how glad I am to have that couch out of my room. I have miles of empty floor space to walk around in. And I rearranged my bookshelves so it’s not as cluttered looking as it used to be.

I’m getting bored with being at home all the time. I don’t like people but I also hate feeling like i’m not contributing to society. I’m also really sick of being so antisocial. I just have such a hard time relating to others. And I never have any idea what to say to people. Learning to not be so closed off is really what I need to be working on. I’ve been trying really hard to make more small talk with people. Its something that I hate doing, but if I don’t then I’m just stuck in silence. And In all honesty I’m perfectly fine with that, but I know other people hate it so I feel like I should make more of an effort. Ugh, why is being human such a difficult thing. I feel like an alien sometimes. I’m down to just 3 friends again. With the third “friend” being a rotation of about 3 people. Jordan and I talk all the time, but she often gets on my nerves and I sometimes wonder why we’re friends. We have very little in common. Amber is someone I still talk to regularly, but its pretty much only about TV shows (sherlock, supernatural, doctor who) or movies. Melanie is a part of the ‘rotating third friend’. We exchange a couple of texts every few weeks and thats about it. Any time we try to hang out she ends up canceling on me. Jessica is the second ‘rotating third friend’. She’s back from Spain, and I talk to her even less than Melanie. She and my mom and I went to a vietnamese vegetarian Buddhist dinner several weeks ago, but that was the last I’ve heard from her. And then I have a second friend named Amber who lives in the next town over. She and I actually share a few ideals in common, but for whatever reason we don’t talk hardly at all. I’ll get together with her every couple months and that’s it. Oh and Sid, the guy I intern with. I haven’t seen him in months. I’ll send him a funny thing if I find it online occasionally, but we don’t really talk at all beyond that.

I just need to stop being… myself. I don’t even know what it is that drives people away anymore. I’m not very funny, I’m smart but in a way that puts people off, I disagree with a lot of the things that people do, and I have trouble finding people with similar interests. I have zero gay people in my life. Amber (the one who lives nearby) is bi, but like I said I never see her. I feel like the black sheep in every setting. Part of the reason that I want to go to evergreen is because its such an open minded school, and because its known for its environmental department. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to find someone interesting to hang out with down there. And it’s only a year, so I won’t be trapped at school forever.

I should get a job. I just need to go and do a meaningless thing until the fall in an effort to save up some money to help pay for tuition. Which is about $20,000 a year.

I need to go to bed. I’m getting a headache. 

You’re all aware I question my sanity daily right? I had a moment earlier today where I wanted nothing more than to sit outside. I felt really energized inside and wanted nothing more than to run through a field or something, and as soon as I went outside I felt ten times better and it felt like my mind opened up and all I could see was green. My yard is pretty green anyway, but it felt like eeeeeverything was some shade of green. And then I got on the whole concept of how objects aren’t really the color they appear to be, they’re every other color and the color we see is actually just being reflected back. But I feel like that can’t be true because if it was then things wouldn’t actually BE a color would they? And color in general is only a perception of light. The red I see is a different shade of red then what you see because of how our eyes are right? Which means that for something to be every other color but the one we see, the current bit of rules that define color on objects is not accurate at all.

Honeybees see in ultraviolet. The colors they see aren’t the same colors we see. But all that light is still there, and all those colors are still being reflected. So, this circular bit of thinking means that we’re taking in all the colors all the time, but we only have the capacity to view the ones our eyes have evolved into deeming most important. And yes, despite the fact that that last line still completely fits into the rule that objects are reflecting the only color they aren’t, I find my rule something that actually makes sense lol. And thus, I am insane.

Yesterday the chickadees fledged from their nest which was really awesome. I had just opened the blinds and two of them flew up to the feeder on my window! It was so exciting. Especially since I was literally three feet away and my dogs were barking because my mom had just gotten home. They were some brave chicks. And then today, some stupid house finch lands RIGHT in front of three of the dogs in a slightly cornered area for absolutely no reason. It was kind of like, hmm, which of that birdies friends dared it to do that?

Despite today being fathers day, I didn’t have time to go down and see my dad, or even call and say hello. Actually, that’s not true. I had plenty of time, I just didn’t really want to. I had people over for two hours to work on a project for math today and I really didn’t feel the need to call him.

Later this evening my cousin made crepes which were awesome. She fried up some bananas in a pan, and then cooked up the batter. Caramelized bananas, glued together with chocolate nutella, wrapped in a warm doughy goodness = heaven. Nom nom nom.

K I’m going to bed now. I’m tired. The weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow and Tuesday, but crappy for the rest of the week. Which is okay I  guess since the plants need watering and such before summer hits officially.

Also, I’d really not be opposed to spending a night out under the stars randomly sometime this summer.

Where does the time go? I don’t understand how it’s suddenly Wednesday. On the last full week of school. And it’s somehow 10:30 at night. What have I done today? This week? This month? This year even? I was researching road trip ideas online for my history project and I started looking around some of Washington’s “official” forestry sites. I think forestry is what I want to do. Maybe ecology. I’m not really sure. To be honest I’d be happiest if I got to wear a green tunic with tights and moccasins and got to walk through the forest all day throwing seeds about willy-nilly and communing with the woodland creatures. Haha, yep, that’s me!

All of the jobs I looked at were… well, rather intensive and required a lot of experience as well as schooling. I really would be fine with just a little internship somewhere this summer. The trouble is, I haven’t the faintest idea as to where to look. It’s all “spacey-wacey, timey-wimy” stuff. Tee hee. Doctor Who is not good. Unlike bananas however. “Bananas are good”. See! It’s gotten me off on a tangent about bananas (which rather annoy me with their lack of seeds, by the way) all because it’s a show that’s complete nonsense that requires you to think.

Something rather random happened today. I got an email from my councilor. But from her personal email. She invited me and my family to go to her great aunt and uncles farm later this summer when they start harvesting the honey from their hives. And she also sent me a link to a five hour beekeeping ‘class’ type thing happening on Saturday. I’m not sure if she’s going to that but I’m kind of surprised she’s emailing me. From her personal email even. It’s always so surprising to me when people do things like inviting me out to their great aunt and uncle’s farm. I didn’t realize she liked me that much that she’d make a whole event out of honey collecting just for me. I mean it’s not like I’m especially friendly to her or anything. Why would she go through the trouble of it all? Is she pitying me somehow? The motives behind people’s actions are something of great concern for me at times. Other times, you could be trying to kill me and I’d only be slightly interested because it would be such an odd thing and an interesting story line.

I don’t really know why I’m so suspicious of people either. I can’t think of anything in my childhood that would’ve led to this type of behavior. I’ve been thinking about my childhood a lot again. It just kind of randomly coming up in my daily thoughts. I’ve managed to forget most of it somehow. Or at the very least suppress it. But not all of my childhood was bad. I still had those Sunday morning’s where my mom would make my sister and I bacon and waffles for breakfast. And those not so rare occasions when my aunt would go to the fridge distributer and gather up a bunch of big cardboard boxes for us kids to make castles out of. I feel like I’m forgetting more and more of my life though. Just a few days ago I realized that I’d forgotten I ever took the buss to school during high school. And those people I made friends with on the buss. I couldn’t tell you who I was friends with last year. This year I’ve only got 6 people I talk to.

So. Having talked and talked and talked about this same issue over again- well but I have slightly changed the premise of this though. This is more focused on my childhood than my lack of friends, as well as the random people who show me more kindness than I know what to do with.  *sogh* the world is more confusing than I know what to do with. Give me my tunic and tights and I’d be fine as a fiddle! Oh I wrote another poem!

Here, one second.

Words on paper are much lighter,

With the sun they are much brighter,

Through it all they do last,

Across a space so very vast.

 

They wiggle and worm,

Outlasting time,

In the end their meaning holds firm,

And it’s best when they rhyme.

 

I know, I really should stop with the poetry. I’m not a poet. I know it. But rhyming is fun. And there’s no harm done! Tee hee.

‘Night all!

Well, today was somewhat interesting. Before I get into it though, I have to mention the fact that yesterdays post brought in a third more views than the day befores. The good a title can do right?

Anyway. I spent 90% of the day playing Pokémon. I traded with my cousin and realized that Pokémon that have been traded automatically get 30% more exp from a battle than do Pokémon I caught myself. Isn’t it interesting that both the views I got today and the exp that I get from traded Pokémon are both 30%? Oh the coincidences in life.

Alright, now down to the good stuff. My sister told my dad about how she thought she might have scabies (we’re pretty sure she doesn’t though) and how he freaked out and told her not to tell anyone because she would be considered dirty. She didn’t say anything to him about this but was definitely upset by it. Some other relatives from my dad’s side also got a little over excited by the idea of scabies. My sister was already feeling really guilty about the possibility of spreading it to so many people, so this only made her feel worse.

My mom went to help with auction for my HS’s booster club or something or other, so my sister and I were on our own for dinner. My sister was asleep and gave no sign of waking up any time soon, so I made myself a salad using the last three eggs. My sister woke up, wanted to make cookies, found that there were no eggs, and so went over to my neighbors (J’s) to ask for some eggs and vanilla extract. She came home very upset a few minutes later crying because she’d told J (in front of J’s guests which was a bad move on her part) that she might have scabies. According to my sister, J freaked out, as did her guests, and my sister felt attacked. She said she tried to explain what it was, but had a hard time getting a word in with J interrupting her. My sister left and said thank you on the way out for the cookie supplies and in response one of J’s friends said “thanks for the scabies” which J laughed at and said “seriously”. Now, I understand that my sister jokes about things as a defense to her problems, which J and her guests took to mean that they could joke about things too. But this remark clearly put her over the edge.

My sister came home in tears, explained things to me, and needless to say, I was pissed. First of all, it takes a lot to get me mad. Second of all, my sister always has crazy shit being said about her, so it takes A LOT to get me mad when it involves her. She said I could just take the eggs and vanilla back to J’s since she wouldn’t be using them, and also brought out a baseball mitt of J’s for me to take over too. My sister hardly ever cries in front of me, and the fact that (while it was in a joking manner and would’ve been ok had it been a different situation) J allowed her guests to joke about a situation like this kind of irritated me. I don’t think it’s right that people who don’t even know anything about my sister or the dynamic my sister and neighbor have, can joke about something that’s serious like this and not have some kind of reprimand. Especially from J who SAW that my sister was upset about this as she left (because she got cold as she left and J knew this) and whose guests are part of the problem.

So. I go over there, knock on the door, am told to come in, and put the glove and cooking supplies on J’s computer desk. While doing so, J asks “so she’s not going to use them now” in a joking manner which implied that she saw that my sister was upset as she was leaving. I replied, no because she came home pretty upset about whatever was said over here which we clearly need to talk about. Words were exchanged, along the lines of J didn’t know what scabbies were and everyone was just joking and my sister came over joking so she thought it was ok, and she didn’t mean any harm. I said things along the lines of, she felt attacked by the three of you and came home very upset/ in tears over it, and I don’t think what was said was appropriate etc. J said that I didn’t know what was said, to which I replied, no, I don’t, but clearly it was enough to get my sister to cry and I don’t think that’s right. J said she didn’t like how I came over into her house with guest over and just started attacking her etc. I also explained what Scabies were since she didn’t know, and said that it was nothing to get worked up over because you just got some lotion and that killed them. Of course that wasn’t the exact order things were said in, but you get the idea. I said my piece, very calm for the most part I think, and went home. Oh, and I explained that my sister used her good humor as a defense when J said that she’d been joking as soon as she walked in. Anyway, J came over a few minutes later and asked to talk to my sister. I went and got her and they went and talked outside.

Crying occurred from both of them, it was dramatic, apologizes were given, etc. My sister came in a few minutes later and said that J felt sorry that my sister felt that way and that she didn’t mean anything to be taken the way it was and blah. My sister also said (and I heard a bit of this too because I muted the TV) that J didn’t like that I’d come into her house while she had guest and “scolded her like an adult” which I’m glad to say I was proud to hear. I know I shouldn’t be as happy as I am about that, but I feel glad knowing that I can go over to someone else’s house where the three people there are all twice my age and make them feel like they’re in trouble for their misbehaviors. And appear relatively calm while doing it.

J is madder at me than my sister, but I’m fine with that. My mom still isn’t home yet and doesn’t know what happens, so we’ll see if I’m in trouble with her too. To be honest, I’d be fine if I was in trouble with both of them. I feel like I did the right thing and don’t intend to apologize for my actions. Yes, it was distasteful to go over and talk to J while her guests were there, and I did think twice about it, but the guests were a part of the problem and so I felt they needed to hear what was said. And both of them were smiling the entire time I was there, which irritated me more. I didn’t address that though because that wasn’t the issue I was over for and I find nitpicking in fights to be rather petty. Even though I did do a bit of it (and kept telling my self to stop) when I got home and explained things to my sister.

My sister and I talked it over and I explained to her that telling J in front of a group of people that she could have scabies was a bad move, and that using humor as a defense leads to troubles like this sometimes. And also that comparing every persons wrong doing to all of the bad things our dad has done isn’t fair to everyone else. Which she admitted was something she did. I also explained why J acted the way she did, because if this had been something less serious there wouldn’t have been a problem. I see both sides of the conflict, and there were wrong doings on both sides. It was just a miscommunication, but I don’t apologize for anything I did.

My sister and I decided that this whole thing is my moms fault though. If she would just let me have chickens then we would’ve had enough eggs and none of this would’ve happened.

Good Weather And Grades

Today was decent. Math- well I don’t know what the rest of the class was doing but I spent the whole period doing last weeks homework to ensure I could get a curved score on the test I had to make up later today from last week. History was fun. M and C and I just laughed the whole period away. Sometimes this class is kind of annoying. We do (what feels like) a few days of learning and then have this enormous project to do. Like, I just want to LEARN. Stop assigning all of these useless projects that don’t teach me anything and suck up my time. We spent today in the computer lab.

I walked home in about 20 minutes, which was really nice. I could’ve waited for the bus, but it was about 20 minutes faster to walk. It was beautiful out today. If the sun had been a little higher in the sky and there hadn’t been such a harsh breeze I could’ve laid in the sun forever. I feel like I have those moments of pure bliss and contentment more than others. But I have simpler needs when it comes to happiness lol. All I really need is good weather, a bit of shade, and I’m fine. Hmm… when I die I think I’ll just go float somewhere warm. Or I’ll migrate from the northern to southern pole so the sun is always shining. It’s kind of warm in Alaska during the summer right? Eh, who cares. I’ll be dead.

Anyway. I came home and napped for a bit. The dogs kept waking me up which made me want to kill them, but other than that it was nice to finally get a nap in. S worked out in the yard quite a bit. She offered to give me a ride back to HS but I said no and snuck out the front door when it was time to go. I think she wanted to give me a ride, but I feel bad taking rides from her. I mean, it’s only a couple of miles away. And I really don’t walk that much. I got to class about 5 minutes after school got out, took my test, and was home by 3. It was weird being there at the end of the day. I forgot about having to run to the bus at the end of the school day.

High school is weird. I feel like I’ve been unplugged from it for so long. People who used to hang out all the time barely talk at all. Most of the “lower” castes have reorganized themselves about a dozen times. The populars are still the populars as far as I can tell though. I don’t really have a group, so far as I know. But that’s just fine with me. I’ll be one of THOSE kids. The ones who never really fit in anywhere and are only just barely remembered. I’m fine with that. I’m not sure I even want to go to the reunions. I can’t get away fast enough at the moment. Aging everyone by 20 years and putting them in a different setting really won’t change all that much.

My College grades were posted online recently. I got a B+ in Pottery and a B in Botany. I’m ecstatic about the Pottery grade (considering that I didn’t think I would pass) but the Botany grade annoys me because I actually TRIED for that class. I was concerned with it and completed every single assignment, though at the end things did get a little late… but still!

Anyway. I finally said to heck with it and started a new Pokémon game. I feel bad doing it, but I needed to so I could trade back all the Pokémon I traded my cousin. Which I will be getting back before she leaves for college again regardless of if have to walk the 4 miles to her house or not.

Anyway. That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m thirsty…

A Nerdy Sign

I always feel really bad after posting risqué pictures like yesterdays. I don’t really want my blog to be THAT type of blog, so I feel like I should really take the picture down. But at the same time this is supposed to document all of my thoughts. But again, documenting a naked man isn’t something that I really want this blog to be about. So I think I’ll be taking it down.

Today was alright. I woke up early to finish a homework assignment for my group. Botany was fun today. I’m going to miss it. A and I were super nerds again, though not as bad as yesterday. At the end of class she was like, ok I need to touch your hair. I started laughing and asked if she’d been waiting the whole quarter to do that. She was like, yes! And I had to do it now or I was never going to get another chance. It made me laugh. Super random.

After class M came and got me and we hung out at her house for about an hour and a half I think. It was fun. It got me out of my own house. We didn’t really do anything, and I’m not really sure if she ever wants to hang out again, but I enjoyed it. We did have our silent moments, but it never felt awkward or anything. I dunno. I feel like people can only hang out with me a few times before they realized I’m not going to t get anymore interesting and stop wanting to hang out. *sigh* Oh well. I’m always up for hanging out with people (ok, maybe not always) but I’m not really sure when too much is too much. And once you’ve had too much of me you’re pretty much done with me forever.

I got home and rearranged my room again. I hated have my bed right in the middle. I had no floor space for anything. Then my mom and sister came home. It was my sister’s first game, but she couldn’t play because she hasn’t gone to enough practices yet. My grandpa called randomly to talk about fundraising and getting grants from people. Which I took as a sign that I shouldn’t give up on this trip yet.

And for some reason I am extremely tired tonight. So yeah. I’m done.