Tag Archive: mother


For whatever reason over the last few weeks my neighbors have become increasingly rude to me and my family. It started with issues surrounding the replacement of their lawn, and has gotten worse. A week or so ago they decided that having a few mushrooms and a bump or two in their lawn was too much, so they sprayed the entire thing with herbicide to kill it. Before they did this I asked them not to and explained that it was a terrible idea for many reasons. In the hopes that they would decide not to kill it I asked if I could have their lawn before it was sprayed. I hate lawns, but it was a perfectly healthy one and there was no reason to get rid of it. I was rudely told no and they sprayed their lawn anyway. They are going to rip it up and throw it out, and they will be bringing in lots of compost to level the ground and make it easier for grass to grow. I have no problem with the compost bit, I just don’t understand why it has to be ripped up. Anyway, that’s just where things start going south.

A few days ago I was out shoveling wood chips. I have gotten a lot of them moved in the last few weeks and have been working extremely hard to make this garden look great. Over the course of this year we had probably more than 12 yards of them delivered, and I’ve moved probably 10 of them out of the driveway. So, I was moving wood chips a few days ago, when my neighbors husband comes out and sees what I’m doing. He immediately asks if I have a special type of broom, which I don’t because I have no need for one. He then goes down to his garage and comes back to sweep my driveway, while I’m working. He doesn’t want any wood chips in his driveway and they all run down the street when it rains into his driveway and the driveway of the person who lives at the bottom of the hill. And by hill I mean maybe 50 feet of minimal incline. When all of these wood chips wash out they get in that persons driveway, and then they wash up into his garage, and he has to sweep his garage when that happens. First of all, I know that there are no wood chips that have gotten down that far because if you look down the street its completely clean. Second of all, this house at the bottom of the hill has problems every year because the water and leaves and everything run into his driveway. He came up to talk to me once to tell me that all of the water I was using to wash my car was getting in his driveway. And I wasn’t even washing my car, lol. It was the people two houses up. If your driveway floods that much, then you need to take it up with the city, not me. Anyway, because of this “major” issue my neighbor felt the need to clean up my driveway while I was making it messy.

And last but not least, the bumblebee issue. Several days ago my neighbors realized that bumblebees had moved into their birdhouse. They decided this was a very serious problem because the birdhouse is next to their clothing line, and they didn’t want the bed bothering them while they were hanging up the clothing. Even though they knew the bees wouldn’t sting them, and there had been no issue with the bees so far. They decided that killing them was the best option. They texted me first to ask if I wanted them, but said that if I couldn’t move them then they were going to spray them. I was beyond furious. Bumblebees are right at the brink of being on the endangered species list, and populations have been declining for years. These bees were by no means in the way, and they weren’t causing any harm. Be a decent human being and leave them alone. They won’t be there again come next year. As soon as I got home I quickly researched how to move a bumblebee nest. It seemed fairly simple, and come dusk I moved them into my garden while my neighbors were gone.

During this whole bumblebee thing my mom was becoming more and more agitated with me. She acted as though all of the problems with the neighbors were somehow my fault. As the evening progressed she became more agitated and decided that the only way to fix things was to get all of the wood chips out of the driveway. While I was moving the bumblebees she moved wood chips to the back yard and demanded that I help move them once I was done. This made me more annoyed because I worked a 7 hour day yesterday and I was sore and tired. I had no desire to do any kind of yard work, and was only doing the bumblebee thing because if I didn’t they would’ve been killed. My mom eventually asked me to haul wood chips up to the top of the stairs, and at that point I refused to do any more work. Hauling wood chips is really hard work, and hauling them up the equivalent of two flights of stairs is even harder. I told her that if she wanted the wood chips up there she was more than welcome to do it herself. This naturally meant that we were done hauling wood chips because I refused to do any heavy lifting. I think it was outrageous of my mom to ask me to do that after I had just worked the longest shift of my week. I appreciate that she works longer than I do, but she is sitting for 95% of that time, whereas I’m on my feet and mobile all day. I was sore and tired and my back hurt and I wanted to do nothing more than sit. Heavy lifting was the exact opposite of my plans for the evening.

In conclusion, my neighbors have decided to become excessively rude and per usual everything is my fault. It’s always so bizarre to me that this is the case, because I saved my mom literally more than $250 by getting these wood chips. Never mind the fact that the garden looks the best its ever looked. Never mind the fact that I have done 95% of the work to get it to look this way. Never mind the fact that I have come home from work and gone straight into the back yard to get it all done. I “could just be doing a little more”. Apparently having two jobs, an internship, and spending most of my free time gardening isn’t doing enough. She’s driving me crazy. I want to just build a big fence around my whole yard and put up a “do not disturb” sign on the gate. 

We Get A New House Guest

*sigh* ok, so I’m just going to jump right into things. Friday of last week my sister brought home a friend of hers, who she hasn’t known for very long, around midnight. He was homeless as his adoptive parents had kicked him out. He has been in trouble for fighting, been through rehab and is currently trying to accumulate 8 hours of community service because he was caught stealing. My mom has taken him under her wing, as she is prone to do, and has decided she wants to put him through college. He was originally supposed to have left yesterday for his birthmother’s home somewhere in eastern Washington. My mom has spent over $200 on clothes for him, because all of his clothes are currently at an ex-girlfriends house. Keep in mind last week she told me we couldn’t afford $30 in compost for our back yard, and that we have been without a functioning furnace for a year. My sisters window is also broken because someone shot a BB through it, and she has dry rot in her bedrooms external wall. We also don’t have a functioning second bathroom, as the fan is broken and the shower head was removed so it could be replaced about 6 months ago.

The boy’s name is Josh. I’ve spoken to him very little, mostly because I don’t like him and also because he’s home even less than my sister. My mom set an 11:30 curfew on tuesday which he and my sister broke that night because he turned 18 on wednesday and wanted to go buy a cigar. Instead of being in trouble my mom did nothing. Last night he came home “hella high” (his exact words) and my mom literally just said “yeah, well” and then made him food because he had the munchies. I have already told my mom once that I don’t want him living here for very long, but since I didn’t have a clear reason (I couldn’t find the words to explain why I didn’t want him living here) she brushed me off. I will be talking to her again tonight because yesterday made me extremely uncomfortable. Josh spends all of his time at my sister’s friend Britney’s house, where he smokes weed all day because her parents grow pot for her moms MS. None of them work, and Britney dropped out of high school because she was pregnant. She’s actually in my grade, and we used to be friends freshman year. I stopped talking to her because I saw how her life was going, and I’m sorry to say I wasn’t wrong about that.

Instead of doing anything about the illegal drug use, my mom has said that because its summer it doesn’t really matter. In all honesty I’m just disappointed in her. Why does she keep making bad decisions like this?! Buying a fifth of scotch for my sister to take on a camping trip, and now supporting this illegal drug use in our own home? REALLY? What part of that is acceptable parenting? She took Josh in because he was going to a dead-end town and she wanted better for him. Apparently smoking pot here and wasting is life on his girlfriends couch (he and Britney started dating almost immediately after he moved in) is better than doing the same thing at his moms house.

My mom took the day off of work on monday to deal with all of his crap. She called his case worker (I’m going to call her that because I don’t actually know what she is) about getting his volunteer hours done so he wouldn’t go to jail for stealing. He spent 3.5 hours on Tuesday working in the garden I intern at. I was at the food bank that day for the Summer Feeding Program we do for the kids who go there with their parents. He was supposed to have finished his hours on Wednesday, but dislocated his wrist within half an hour of being there and had to be sent home. He apparently didn’t even want to come, and had to be talked into it by Britney and my sister. My mom also called the state to see about his Foster Care info on Monday. There were like 3 other things she did for him but I don’t remember what it all was. It was a lot of time and energy spent on her part though, and given his lack of concern with it all I’m not sure it made a difference. She plans on taking him to JobCore next tuesday; a company that will help educate him and find him somewhere to work, since he quit his job when he became homeless. I don’t want him to stay in the house that long.

I plan on telling my mom how disappointed I am with how she handled things yesterday, and that I no longer trust her to make the right decisions for my sister or I, because she has demonstrated poor judgment multiple times now. I also plan on telling her how uncomfortable I felt with the situation yesterday and that I want Josh to leave. I worked to avoid that sort of thing my whole life and having it at home makes me uncomfortable. I consider my house a place of refuge from the outside world, but when the outside world gets brought in and theres no rules governing it, I get extremely distraught. I ended up doing the dishes and putting myself to bed because I was so uncomfortable with how dysfunctional things were. I’m not looking forward to talking to my mom at all, but my cousins and aunts agree that my mom is in the wrong here and I should talk to her about it.

I woke up this morning feeling a little worried about my math final. I had meant to get up early and study a little bit, but that didn’t really happen. When I did wake up, I found this wonderful message on my phone.

photo

I haven’t spoken to him in… 9 months now? I don’t know why he felt the need to text me this. It really didn’t bother me at all, but I did ask my mom if she had any idea where this was coming from, which took up a bit of my morning. I ended up not having any time to study at home, but got to class a little early a reviewed my notes. I just checked my final grades online and I got a B for my Math class, so I think I did ok on the final!

Once I got out of class I checked my phone, and I had a message from my aunt H, who really isn’t all that affectionate to anyone ever even though she’s a total mom. She said “Hey. I hope you know you’re a good kid. There are people out there in the world who love and believe in you. Keep it going’!” Things like this don’t happen in my family at all, and certainly not to me or from her, so it really hit me kind of hard. I ended up crying in my car for a good 15 minutes before I could drive home, haha. I’ve been feeling really crumby again, in kind of a new way, in that I’m not completely suicidal, but I still think about suicide often and really hate myself. I’m a little bit more upbeat now or something though…?? I don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, it meant a lot to get that message from my aunt. Its something I don’t feel like I’ve ever really gotten to experience before; having family members make an effort to reach out and help you, even if its something as simple as a text like this. I don’t really have anyone in my family I can talk to about things because we’re all so different. And I’m the most different from everyone haha, so relating isn’t always easy.

As for my dad’s text, I’m more upset by the fact that this genuinely made me laugh and didn’t make me upset at all. Like, this is a really hurtful text and instead of being offended by it I think it’s funny. That’s how messed up my life has been, because of him even, that this vicious attack towards me did nothing more than tickle me. I walked around my house for a while just kind of laughing to myself because I thought this text was so ridiculous. I wasn’t sad at all, and that made me sad, until my aunt said anything to me, lol. And even then, I was crying because she had been nice to me, not because my dad had been horrible.

Anyway, school’s done and once Monday roles around I can have a day to myself to just sit and think. My Botany final was on Wednesday. It was beyond ridiculous. We had to spend three hours in a lab looking at samples of  100 plants in test tubes and beakers. We had to list the Family, Genus, Species, and Common name for each, for a total of 400 points. It was a bit intense, haha. My brain was fried for the rest of the day. Thankfully my internship that day consisted of a walk through Issaquah and hearing about the history of the town. I love its location, but from what I heard about its start-up and the population stats I looked at online, it sounds a bit close-minded to me. Which is a shame, because I love my internship and Issaquah is probably my favorite city in Washington. It’s so pretty, and is surrounded by lush evergreen hills that form a valley which ends with a view of Mt Rainier.

Let’s see… oh! My mom had friends over for dinner on Saturday. They got drunk and relived the glory days of their drug filled youths. It was rather dull. Somehow they got on the discussion of rabies though, and I quoted a fact about how squirrels (for the most part) don’t actually get rabies themselves, they just carry it. At this point my mother proceeded to say I was autistic, and she wasn’t drunk at all. It was great fun. I went to bed at midnight because I had been interning from 8-4 that day. I spent most of it talking about beekeeping. I bring in a couple of empty hive boxes and my suit and tools, and set up a little table and talk about bees to whoever seems interested. I also bring the package the bees came in this year, and pieces of wax with eggs in them and a couple queen cells from last years hive. One woman came back especially to hear about my bees, since her husband sprays everything in their yard and she’s trying to teach her kids why that’s bad. I told her to bring him to the garden, which she didn’t sound too confident about, lol. After interning I went with the rest of the garden “staff” to a hindu (????) temple where we had installed a ‘food digester’. This time we got to go in and have some fresh rice pudding, and go upstairs to the… worship hall? Alter? I don’t know anything about religion. It was the prayer room and had 7 statues of the deities of the temple, as well as a guru who brought their specific beliefs over from India in the 60’s. It was really elaborate a beautiful. And very calming.

Who knows what I’ll do tomorrow. We’re supposed to spend most of the day handing out tote bags to promote Issaquah’s new ban on plastic bags. It should be fun!

I broke down and told M how I felt about everything these past few months. Instead of summarizing it for you I’m just going to copy over the text I sent her. Here it is:

“Ok, I’ve been uncertain of how to address this, but I’ve been feeling this way for weeks so I hope you’re prepared for some word vomit. I’m sure you’ve been waiting for something of this nature for a while now, haha. 
We haven’t been talking to each other since you and K started dating. I knew you would be really exited about him so I consciously slowed my texting to give you more time with him, since I knew you’d only be thinking about him anyway. I knew in the end our friendship would be not anywhere near what it was, I just expected it to happen gradually, over the course of months/years, not almost over night like it did. Because in the end you’ll be married with kids, and we won’t be as close as we were last year, and I fully realize that. That said, I later began to assume that eventually the novelty of K would wear off and we would get back to being good friends again, even if not so good as before. But it didn’t. I even brought it up once, and said that we had drifted apart, over a month ago now I’m sure. I don’t think anything has really changed though.
I know you’ve noticed the distance between us, but I think with K and a full time job to distract you it hasn’t affected you like it’s effected me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I hope you realize that I’m not mad at you or K in anyway, I’m just sad that our friendship has fallen apart (in my perspective anyway) as much as it has. You’ve really only come to talk to me when you’ve had an issue with K these last 3 months. And I know you said you wouldn’t be ‘that girl who is constantly bringing her boyfriend along’ but I think we’ve hung out maybe 4 times without him, and that’s out of the dozen some odd times that we’ve seen each other at all. 
I should’ve addressed this sooner, but talking to you has become more and more difficult for me. I don’t feel like I know you anymore, and the stress of that and the reminder that we aren’t what we once were makes me hate that I even feel this way. You’re the closest friend I’ve ever had (and really the only one i’ve got) and I feel like I lost you as soon as I found you.

And to make matters even worse I started getting depressed again around December, and have been struggling with that alone for months. My social anxiety has sky rocketed and watching Supernatural has been my way of coping with everything. I didn’t want to bother you because you’ve been so happy and I didn’t want to spoil that. I feel crappy for even sending you this.
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. For everything.”

We then spent the next couple hours texting back and forth, when I stopped crying enough to text anyway. I was a complete train wreck last night. I haven’t cried that hard in years, if ever really. I’m not sure if I feel better or not. It was kind of nice just to be a mess, but waking up and finding that my views on things hadn’t changed didn’t much help.

M was really gracious about all of it, and apologized for everything and tried to pin this all on herself. I feel terrible for making her think that way. I don’t blame her at all for the distance that’s come up between us. She has a full time job that is at complete opposites with my schedule, and has K to talk to day and night instead of me. She found someone she loves and she doesn’t need or have time for me anymore, as far as I’m concerned. She swears thats not the case at all, but I… I’m far too doubtful.

Today was better for me. I came close to spontaneously bursting into tears for no reason, but I was ok for the most part I think. Watching my garden is always calming.

It was so hot today. 82 was the predicted high, and tomorrow it will be 85. Its been warmer than usual the last few days, and should be well up in the 70s all week, with no chance of rain at all. This is July weather.

In other, completely unrelated news, I’ve decided to go to Spain at the end of August. My neighbor, J, has a nannying job that she’ll be doing over there, and invited me to go along. I was hesitant for a while, but my mom sort of pressured me into it I guess. And I really shouldn’t be going, given that my mom is potentially going to loose her job before the year is out. Its so draining to be your own parent all the time though, especially when the person who is actually your parent is the one encouraging you to make a foolish decision. Ugh. But whatever. I’m thinking that I may fly into London and spend a day or two there before taking the train over into France and making my way to Barcelona eventually. I may go see Italy for a day while I’m there too. I haven’t decided how long I’m going for just yet. Its gonna be at least two weeks.

Alright, I’ve rambled on enough. I just wanted to update you all on my life. In short, I’m suicidal, my best friend is wonderful, and I’m going to Barcelona at the end of summer. 

My mom and I got into a huge fight a couple days ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever been in a fight of this scale with her before. My sister has, for weeks, been neglecting her chores, and finally we started talking about it. My sister’s only chore in the house has been to do the dishes, while I do the gardening, the dog poop scooping, the vacuuming, dusting, moping, and taking out of recycling, garbage and compost. Seems fair, right? But because my sister is never home, she feels that she shouldn’t be responsible for the dishes because very few of them are ever hers. A perfectly valid argument, but when its ones only chore, I have a hard time being sympathetic. My mom tried to talk to her about it, while I was there, and my sister was on her phone and watching TV throughout the conversation. It was incredibly rude as far as I’m concerned, and I don’t know why my mom tolerated it. I think I said maybe 4 or 5 words throughout the whole ordeal, since it wasn’t my place to say much of anything, and only spoke up when I felt it necessary. Eventually my sister got so frustrated by not being able to get out of her chores she was close to just walking out of the house (she had the door open and everything). I don’t remember what my mom said to make her stay, but she did, and my sister eventually just decided that she would be doing her own dishes and her own laundry and would sweep the house occasionally and that would be that. My mom completely rolled over and gave her a hug and a kiss and $20 to go have fun with friends. I was in complete disbelief at the whole situation.

I went back into the kitchen to finish making my dinner (this whole thing started because everything I needed to make dinner for myself was dirty and I wanted to know what officially was going to happen with the dishes), and my mom immediately turned on me to tell me that I needed to watch my attitude. I didn’t even let her finish her sentence because I was beyond furious that she was berating me after my sisters display. Especially since I had spoken maybe twice, and had eeeeevery right to be mad about my sisters lack of help around the house. She had tried to use the excuse that she was too busy and too tired during the week to do any amount of chores (this is while she’s waiting for a friend to come and pick her up mind). I told my mom: “you don’t get to try and parent me after not parenting her.” She was instantly mad and said: “you don’t get to tell me how to be a fucking parent.” It only escalated from there, and much of what was said I cannot remember in detail. I basically told her that her current “parenting” technique wasn’t working, and that she had just rewarded my sister for walking all over her. I told her that there hadn’t been any form of reprimand or consequences in our house for years, and that it was entirely unacceptable how my sister had been behaving.

She asked me angrily what specifically she should do, especially in regards to me, since I was the one asking for punishment. She brought up the fact that I had tried to buy a dyson vacuum (something I’ve wanted for years) against her wishes but had been unable to do so because of insufficient funds (she had borrowed money from me and hadn’t paid me back yet when I tried to buy it [which I didn’t realize]). I told her that she should’ve taken my debit card away, or withheld gas money. There should have been SOMETHING to teach me how to better manage my money, which she has genuinely never sat me down to do. Ever. She basically admitted to not parenting us at all, and that she had not given us chores or anything of that nature when we were younger so we could have happier childhoods. I asked what that had taught us, and she asked me what chores I specifically wanted to do around the house. I said that I was happy doing all of the things I already did, but that because my sister lived with us she needed to have some form of chores as well. And I brought up that it had taken me years to figure out that I wanted a clean house (which I really only discovered because I was tired of living in a filthy home, but I didn’t say that).

She was furious with me for speaking my mind. Oh! Several weekends ago my sister wanted to go on a camping trip with some friends. She got in a big fight with my mom about money and how she didn’t have access to her savings account. After having a large fight, my mom gave her a large chunk of money and bought her a 5th of whiskey to take on her camping trip. Keep in mind that my sister is 17, and that my mom only just finished a custody battle. I brought that up during our fight, and she said that my sister had brought that bottle back more than half full, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, and that I was one to talk because I drink wine whenever I’m with my neighbors. I said that I felt that was different because I was with family friends and that I wasn’t drinking to get drunk, nor was I drinking hard alcohol. And I said that I only started drinking because I had been pressured into it by her, which is genuinely true. She pressured me for years to drink wine with her and the neighbors, and when I went to J’s house immediately after this fight to talk about it, she agreed and remembered witnessing it. My mom, naturally, felt differently. She said that she had never done that and that if I felt that way it was entirely my fault. She swore at me several times throughout the fight, though she never directly insulted me. I find swearing to be unnecessary, and especially in those circumstances, when the goal of arguing is to get the other person to understand your perspective. I’m sure I could’ve been more articulate, but I feel like for the most part I did ok.

We went to the movies together the day after that (yesterday), because we had originally planned to go the day of the fight. She asked if I hated her, like she always does after we have any sort of disagreement, to which I always reply no. I asked her the same question, and she told me that she was proud of me. I struggled to keep from laughing. I’ve lost all respect for her I’ve realized. She consistently rewards appalling behavior, and takes no responsibility for anything. When your child is telling you there aren’t enough rules in the house, and that they think they should be punished for their own bad behavior, and you laugh in their face and tell them that everything is fine, something is extremely wrong. She joked about some of the points I made during the argument, and said that if she really was a bad parent she wouldn’t have stood up to me. I just see it as being thick headed and stubborn. I’m sad more than anything. This ordeal made me realize that I’ve truly outgrown my mother, and that I actually have been more mature than her for some time. She has no control over this house or her children, and often puts down the one who sees whats wrong and is willing to speak up about it (me) instead of the child who is misbehaving, doing poorly in school, and is drinking irresponsibly and doing drugs.

Depression, It Never Ends

I’ve gotten rather depressed again. For the last 4 or 5 days I was a ‘new’ kind of depressed, where I seemed to have no emotion at all. I felt like a zombie. There was… just… nothing. I had no real emotions, nothing more pressing than eating to act on, and I slept as often as I could. If I wasn’t sleeping I was just laying in bed and staring into oblivion. Yesterday I made a huge effort to force myself out of that and went to a volunteer meeting thing with a couple friends from class. I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but a few weeks ago I volunteered for a few hours collecting signatures to try and gain the support of state representatives so that we can get initiative 522 (the labeling of genetically engineered foods) passed this coming november. It was really fun last time I went, and I knew I would have fun this time, even though it wasn’t the same kind of thing at all, but I did end up going. The three of us had a good time and mostly just goofed around for about three hours. The meeting was entirely pointless as far as I was concerned, but the time with friends was crucial I think.

M and I went out to lunch today. We hardly talk any more. Ever since she found this boyfriend of hers, K, she hardly speaks to me at all. And despite her promise to not be one of those girls who brings her boyfriend along to everything, every single time we’ve talked about hanging out she has mentioned bringing him along. I’ve only hung out with her twice without him (three times counting today). He’s nice enough. I can’t tell if I’d get along with him better if he wasn’t constantly being forced on me. M is greatly concerned with whether I like him or not, but to be honest I don’t really know how I feel. I’m remaining distant at this point because talking to her any more exhausts me, and I’m sick of having to be interested in K. He met her dad this weekend. I’ve been friends with her since the 6th grade, and I haven’t even met her dad (her parents are divorced and he lives out of the state, but still).

I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and what very little motivation I had for life is gone again. I have a huge pile of homework to do, and I’ve continued to put it off for far too long. There are only two weeks left in the quarter. I just don’t know what to do with myself. And more importantly, I don’t seem to care. The only person I would talk to about this kind of stuff is M, and she’s too busy with work and K to talk to me. She works until 10 usually, and he goes home with her (they both work at the Y together) and doesn’t leave until 5am, if at all. Which means she’s too tired to talk to me during the day, or too distracted to talk to me at our usual 11-1 am time after work. I’m alone again. I haven’t been truly alone in, well, over a year now. I’d forgotten what it was like. Sure, I have friends, but don’t share that same deep connection with any of them like I did with M. And the real trouble is that its made me realize that I really am not an important piece in her life. I will always be a friend, and never family. I’m not mad at her at all. This isn’t her fault. She’s wanted a boyfriend/husband and children for longer than we’ve been friends, and I can’t blame her for being whole-heartedly excited when that’s finally come into her life. She and K have been dating for just over a month now, and everyone that works with them is talking about marriage. I do too, just to try and show how happy I am for her, even though I don’t really mean any of it.

I say how cute they are together, and how they’ll be married by August (she’s always wanted an August wedding), and the jokes they’ll have to play on their kids. K’s 22 and owns several acres in Idaho, which M has been to see already, and she thinks its gorgeous out there. She jokes that if they get married I’ll have to come and live out there with them. I hope I wasn’t too obvious about being completely against that idea. I don’t ever intend on leaving Western Washington. And if I do, the only place I can even imagine going is to the UK. And even then. I am not a city dweller I don’t think.

I feel so useless. I just want to be needed again, even if it is only by one person. I don’t feel needed at all at the moment. No one’s world would stop spinning if I suddenly wasn’t here. Not that I’m seriously contemplating suicide. I haven’t got the strength for that at all. It requires far too much planning and work. I have written out a suicide note or two in my head, just to organize my thoughts into how I feel about the people around me. Trying to summarize your feelings for someone in a short letter really makes you evaluate your relationship with them I think. And then who all would I write to? My mother, my sister (if only to tell her to stop being so incredibly stupid in everything she does), M, my neighbors, my aunts… I suppose my cousin would deserve one too. She and I always got along best, because she was a book worm like I was for many years. Oh and Amber of course! I couldn’t forget my dearest Amber. Fortunately those 7 letters are far too many to write, and I can’t be bothered to write a summary of the book I just read, so writing out all the nonsense I think of those people would be far too much. Its so much easier to just lie in bed and not think about anything. To have a perfectly empty mind. *sigh*

Alright. Its late and I really haven’t finished my summary/response to this reading that’s due tomorrow yet, so I’m going to sign off now. I’ll talk to all again soon. Though hopefully not too soon. I seem to only post in my most desperate of times I feel like any more.

Oh, and this is my 777’th post! How exciting!