Tag Archive: Friends


The Best Day This Season

My aunt works as an administrator at a very small “hippie dippie” elementary school. Kids there work with teachers to decide the curriculum and the day to day events, and the school is in the middle of 12 acres of woods. Last year a garden was installed, but teachers haven’t had much of an idea on what to do to keep it going. My aunt asked me to come over and tour the facility, and potentially spearhead the garden projects as a volunteer. So I went over there Friday to take a look. Their garden consisted of 13 wooden raised beds, wood chip pathways, and 4 rain barrels. There were a few sad kale plants, and some strawberries that were still in their pots sitting on top of the dirt in the beds. The rest of the campus was much more promising, with several play areas and an outdoor class room in the heart of the woods. It’s exactly the kind of school I would’ve loved going to as a kid!

I spent a couple hours on Thursday finding fun pictures of projects on the internet, and typed up a single page of ideas. I met with the head and assistant head of the school (and my aunt) to talk them over. Ideas included a worm bin, a bat house, a bee/bug hotel, a brush pile for snakes, and a few arrangements for planting food crops so they look fun, like a bean teepee. Everyone loved my ideas and saw how they could easily be integrated into several different areas of the curriculum. My aunt even said I was over prepared, which is one of my absolute favorite things to hear. I’ve been asked to come back with more ideas and some more in depth components at the end of next month, where I will present everything to the entire faculty. It’s not a very big school, but its still something like 20+ adults, all of whom are old enough to be my parents. So it’s a little intimidating, but I’m excited because everything I/they want to do is extremely easy stuff that will be perfect projects for the kids to do and learn from.

From there I went straight over to Starbucks to work a 5 hour shift. I slipped right back into my work like I had never left, and customers were happy to see me which was great. I loved being back in my old store. The cherry on my day was one of our regular customers telling me I had the best skin she’s ever seen. She asked what I did to keep it so smooth and I told her I started by shaving the top layer of it off every morning, haha. Then I use some avon moisturizer and I’m all set!

The day went surprisingly quickly, and we managed to close the store in 25 minutes! I even got to close with my best friend in the store, the assistant manager. We had some help from one of the new hires. I forget his name, but he’s a senior in high school and he seems pretty cool. I’m only going to be working there a 2-3 days a week but I think that will be enough to keep me busy and allow me to get my dose of starbucks fun, haha.

Two months ago my mom was going to take me out to a “show” for my birthday. It snowed that night though, so we couldn’t leave the house. We drive a Prius, and that thing barely handles the rain. 8 of us were supposed to go total, and only 2 people besides my mom knew where the show was. The rest of us were certain it was a drag show, but my mom wouldn’t say until we were actually seated in the place. It was a drag show, haha. It was so much fun! I was extremely nervous when we got there, cause I’ve never been to aaaanything like that before. I’ve been to one real concert in my life and, while I had fun, I don’t care for loud music or large crowds. Adding to my distress, my mom and neighbor (who came with us) were telling me I was going to have to go on stage and talk to the queens because it was my birthday, and that was way too intimidating for me to handle. This was a dinner and a show type place, and I ordered a Caesar salad, the dressing of which is made with anchovy paste, which I forgot. I was eating it and it was making me feel worse, and it tasted really off to me. I mentioned it to my mom and she realized she had forgotten it was made with fish paste too. Fortunately that gave me an excuse to stop eating, because I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up.

I slowly loosened up over the next two hours, while we waited for the show to start. My neighbor and mom ordered jello shots from “Alex”, the very muscled man caring a platter of them around wearing nothing but a very tight pair of underwear. Did I mention they had him sit on their laps and took the jello shots out of his mouth? Cause they did. They also forced my friend Jordan and I to take a picture with him, and they made Jordan give him the money for the shots. And the rule for paying for shots is that he can’t take the money from you; you have to put it in his underwear. He looked completely bored having all of these drunken women fawning all over him all evening. I felt kind of bad for him. (And I know this will sound bad but) I didn’t find him all that attractive. Guys with muscles like that just aren’t that appealing to me, mostly because I look nothing like that I think, haha.

Anyway, eventually the show started, and it went for 2 hours. It was great! They had lady gaga, Celine Dion, Madonna, Adele, Barbara, Nicki Minaj, Rhianna, J. Lo, and of course Cher. Celine and Cher were fantastic. Our host had their own character name, but also did Adele at some point in the show. There was lots of walking up and down through the audience, and there was a point in the show where the choreographer (we didn’t find out it was him until the end of the show) climbed up two pieces of cloth and was flipping around in them and hanging himself by his arms and legs in all sort of crazy positions. It was intense!

There were at least 4 different bachelorette parties there, which I thought was really weird. One of the girls got so drunk that she passed out in the middle of the show and fell into the isle. They had to stop everything to get her cleared out of the way.

It was a lot of fun though. I’m glad I forced myself out of my comfort zone and let myself have a good time. In situations like that I usually clam up and make things difficult for everyone, but tonight I tried really hard not to do that at all. I posed for the pictures and smiled when I was supposed to. I rolled my eyes a lot while the jello shot guy was around, mostly because my mom and neighbor were ogling him so much. That said, one of the male dancers was suuuper cute. He was a toned blonde guy who was one of the better dancers, in my opinion. I mentioned him to my neighbor and she pointed him out to my mom, and my mom thought with some eye liner and a hat he could look like the love interest from Burlesque. Only about 60 lbs lighter and with a smaller face.

Anyway, its 3 am and I need to sleep. Dinner was at 7:30 and the show started at 10 and ended just after midnight. My mom is talking about taking us all back again next year when my friend and I are both 21 so we can drink too. Oh! I almost forgot! My sister and her friend came, and there is a point early in the show when the hostess asks if anyone wants to go up on stage, so they both went up, and my sisters friend got picked to talk to the hostess! My sisters friend was actually my friend during freshmen year of high school, but we quickly grew apart as I realized jazz and liquor were not for me. Anyway, she was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up and said she wanted to be a nurse, and she was complimented on her eyebrows, which she had painted on. She was also asked who she wanted to be if she could be anyone in the world, and she said she would like to be the hostess, lol.

Ok, now I really need to go to bed! I just wanted to write a quick post about the craziest night of my life. I’ve never done anything like that before, and literally all I did all night was sit next to the wall, farthest away from the isle, and smile all evening. I did sing along to several of the songs, and clap accordingly, but really I didn’t do anything crazy. My comfort zone is very very restricted, which is weird since I love watching RuPauls drag race.

Struggling To Make It Work

For lack of a better expression, I feel spiritually and emotionally constipated. Working at starbucks is not enjoyable at all for me. I can’t get past how much we waste on a daily basis. I’m the type of person who brings their own containers to restaurants for left overs. I avoid buying things I can’t recycle. If its biodegradable its probably being put in the worm bin at my house. So working in a place where several pounds of food is thrown out daily, and entire cans of whipped cream are sprayed down the drain (I literally had to do that today while we were closing the store and I had to do dishes), is extremely difficult for me. And its effecting my learning and performance abilities. I’m not able to remember anything for the drinks and I HATE it. It’s not that hard to remember how many pumps of syrup go into a tall carmel macchiato, but I can’t seem to freaking do it. Why?! Why can’t I remember how many pumps of syrup go into these stupid drinks?! Its not any special equation that requires hours and hours of practice, its a series of fucking numbers. If you have a tall drink then you get x number of pumps of syrup and y number of shots. But the grande and the vente? they both have different requirements. And I can’t remember them. It’s so unbelievably frustrating and I don’t know what to do to change it.

And I have no form of release for any of this frustration. I got together with Melanie today for the first time in over a week and was completely annoyed with her. We went to a starbucks near here house so I could use my 30% discount and she was rude to the baristas there. She’s going to Montana this weekend to interview with the state university there and is being the ridiculously cliche ‘dumb teenage girl’ and staying with her “first love”, who also goes to Montana U. Theres a whole obnoxious back story to all of it, but basically she fell in love with him and he was a cliche stupid boy and didn’t seem to realize or acknowledge it. She pushed him to make a decision and he ran away to school without resolving things. They stopped talking for a while, especially once Melanie got a boyfriend, but as soon as she dumped him this guy pops back into the picture almost overnight. I don’t even have the energy to pretend to care at this point, in all honesty. Coffee today with her was really difficult because we have absolutely nothing to talk about anymore. We don’t have any of the same friends, especially since the two of us only really have two other friends besides each other. Our work is completely different and unrelated, and we never see each other or hang out. Getting together anymore is forced and uncomfortable. I’m ready to be done pretending in that friendship, but I feel bad because we’ve been friends for so long. The good news is that she’ll be leaving for school in the fall, so we won’t really see each other at all after that.

But that’s something else that really bothers me. I’m excited that she’s leaving because I’m ready for this to be done. I’m not excited about working at all. The only thing that brings me any joy is gardening, and at this point I’m too tired to do it when I get home, or its too cold/wet out for it. My internship is still going really slowly because it’s so crumby out, so everything I enjoyed about it last year isn’t happening this year. I feel completely disconnected from everything I’m passionate about by working at Starbucks. But I need a job. I can’t just sit around the house all day like I’ve been doing. I have to do this work and I have to learn the drinks. I just need to find a way to reconcile that fact with myself and learn to move past it. Which seems impossible. 

I don’t know what to do. 

School Sometime Soon?

I’ve decided to go back to college. I’m thinking I’ll go to Evergreen in the fall. I have nothing to do right now because I don’t qualify for any of the jobs that look interesting to me. Evergreen is a weird college, in that you don’t have to take specific classes to get your degree. You don’t even have to declare a major necessarily. If you want to declare a major, you take classes that relate to your field of study, and that’s kind of it. And its a pass-fail system. Either you pass the class and get all of the credits for it, or you fail and you get none.

Anyway, they have an environmental studies degree that looks interesting. And they would take half of the credits from my Associates in Arts and Sciences and apply it to my bachelors, so I could potentially have a bachelors in a year. Which would make job hunting a lot easier. I think its something like 98% of people with BAs have jobs in their chosen field. Part of the problem right now is that I don’t know exactly what I want to do. There hasn’t been a job listing that I’ve found that fully encompasses what I think I want. I like working outdoors. I could help restore areas of land that have been effected by construction by replanting trees. Or I could work in the water department for the city. As much as I hate people, I like knowing I’m helping others have access to resources. Water management isn’t really that exciting, but it would give me a sense of purpose I think.

For the most part I’ve just been sitting at home. We got rid of our leather couch on friday. We’ve had it for about 13 years. My cousin got a job in Oregon, working for some company or other to help build helicopters. I’m not quite sure of his title. I think the word “rotor” was in it. Anyway, he needed some furniture. He took the couch and an end table from our house, and a couch and a few other things from my aunts. The green couch that was in my room went downstairs to replace the leather one. Now that’s its being used we’ve realized how much it stinks. Its older than I am, and has seen more pets than I have. Its thread bare, and when we took the seat covers off to wash them we saw that the cushions themselves were badly stained (my mom thought it might be mold). We can’t afford to replace it, but I’m hoping we can just replace the cushions and wash the rest and that will be enough. We’ll also be making/buying a slip cover because we definitely need something washable with 4 dogs running around.

Oh and our housemate has given his one month notice. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him at all. Potentially…? He’s my sisters best friend from elementary school? Moved in a couple of months ago? Anyway, he’s decided to move out and live with he and my sisters other friend. They’re getting an apartment together and they’re both gonna go to school. He was a decent housemate, but I won’t lie and say i’ll miss him. I don’t like having so many people in the house. It makes things too crowded, and we have so much stuff that it’s hard to move around comfortably. I can’t tell you how glad I am to have that couch out of my room. I have miles of empty floor space to walk around in. And I rearranged my bookshelves so it’s not as cluttered looking as it used to be.

I’m getting bored with being at home all the time. I don’t like people but I also hate feeling like i’m not contributing to society. I’m also really sick of being so antisocial. I just have such a hard time relating to others. And I never have any idea what to say to people. Learning to not be so closed off is really what I need to be working on. I’ve been trying really hard to make more small talk with people. Its something that I hate doing, but if I don’t then I’m just stuck in silence. And In all honesty I’m perfectly fine with that, but I know other people hate it so I feel like I should make more of an effort. Ugh, why is being human such a difficult thing. I feel like an alien sometimes. I’m down to just 3 friends again. With the third “friend” being a rotation of about 3 people. Jordan and I talk all the time, but she often gets on my nerves and I sometimes wonder why we’re friends. We have very little in common. Amber is someone I still talk to regularly, but its pretty much only about TV shows (sherlock, supernatural, doctor who) or movies. Melanie is a part of the ‘rotating third friend’. We exchange a couple of texts every few weeks and thats about it. Any time we try to hang out she ends up canceling on me. Jessica is the second ‘rotating third friend’. She’s back from Spain, and I talk to her even less than Melanie. She and my mom and I went to a vietnamese vegetarian Buddhist dinner several weeks ago, but that was the last I’ve heard from her. And then I have a second friend named Amber who lives in the next town over. She and I actually share a few ideals in common, but for whatever reason we don’t talk hardly at all. I’ll get together with her every couple months and that’s it. Oh and Sid, the guy I intern with. I haven’t seen him in months. I’ll send him a funny thing if I find it online occasionally, but we don’t really talk at all beyond that.

I just need to stop being… myself. I don’t even know what it is that drives people away anymore. I’m not very funny, I’m smart but in a way that puts people off, I disagree with a lot of the things that people do, and I have trouble finding people with similar interests. I have zero gay people in my life. Amber (the one who lives nearby) is bi, but like I said I never see her. I feel like the black sheep in every setting. Part of the reason that I want to go to evergreen is because its such an open minded school, and because its known for its environmental department. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to find someone interesting to hang out with down there. And it’s only a year, so I won’t be trapped at school forever.

I should get a job. I just need to go and do a meaningless thing until the fall in an effort to save up some money to help pay for tuition. Which is about $20,000 a year.

I need to go to bed. I’m getting a headache. 

The summer has been going really well so far. I love interning at the garden. Sid and I have become good friends, and I love getting to talk to all sorts of new people on a daily basis. My social anxiety doesn’t seem to effect me very much when I’m working, which is a blessing. Saturdays I’m in the garden from 8-2, and I talk to well over a hundred people during that time. Falaah, the garden coordinator (and the only person paid to be there), lets me bring my beekeeping stuff on saturdays and have my own table to talk to people. I explain the inner workings of the hive to anyone who’s interested, and try to encourage people to plant more flowers for pollinators. I showed off for some kids once and pet a bumblebee, since their mom told me that their dad has been teaching the kids that all insects are bad, and sprays them with pesticide while they’re on his plants regularly. They liked the bumblebee demonstration a lot, and apparently have asked to come and see me specifically more than once.

Right now we’re doing a summer camp for kids ages 3-5 on Wednesday mornings. I’m in charge of the “Nature Play” area, and have the kids play in a teepee we made using bamboo sticks and tarp. They get to play with pine cones and dig in the dirt to find millepedes, ants and worms. Yesterday we also had a group of 25 kids ages 5-10 after the summer camp. It was fun but exhausting. Sid and I stayed for the normal 5-8 volunteer session as well, so he and I worked 11 hours yesterday. It was draining but fun. During the normal work party time he and I collected branches from the woods behind the barn and all but finished the hugelkultur we’re trying to make. Its basically wood that’s half buried under the ground, and then greens and compost are mounded on top of that to make a raised bed about 5 feet tall. See here for a full explanation of a hugelkultur: http://www.richsoil.com/hugelkultur/

I’m currently exhausted from yesterday’s long hours, so I’m spending today on my back patio enjoying the bees. We have a patch of succulents that has been covered in bumblebees for the last week. There’s more of them this year than there’s ever been I think, which I’m excited about. I’ve taken some borage from Pickering Barn, which is a big pollinator attractor. Hopefully next year we’ll have lots of it, because with this many bees around I feel responsible feeding them. My mom and I have already argued about the clover in the front lawn at least a dozen times this year, haha.

I’ve been doing much much better since watching Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. Yesterday I cried a bit, because M and I talked. We had hung out earlier in the day and played video games with her boyfriend K, and I was perfectly alright during that. But she texted me afterwards and sort of just word-vomited all of her recent fears and concerns about her future onto me and it made me miss how we used to talk all the time. I don’t know who came up with the ‘third wheel’ concept, but I don’t think it fully captures the idea of being the odd person out at all. I think of M and K more as two stars who have found each other after a squiggly i’ve been doing much much better since watching Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. Yesterday I cried a bit, because M and I talked. We had hung out earlier in the day and played video games with her boyfriend K, and I was perfectly alright during that. But she texted me afterwards and sort of just word-vomited all of her recent fears and concerns about her future onto me and it made me miss how we used to talk all the time. I don’t know who came up with the ‘third wheel’ concept, but I don’t think it fully captures the idea of being the odd person out at all. I think of M and K more as two stars who have found each other after a journey through the dark of space and time, and who now orbit each other. I think of myself as a moon, still incapable of producing my own light; once something that traveled with M, but has since been cast out with the new gravitational forces at work. I drift alone through the dark of space now, beginning to find my own glow all the while, and occasionally being touched by the glow of other stars.