Tag Archive: depression


A Wind Bath

 

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned one of these. They’re probably my favorite thing. All you have to do is go and stand outside in a good windstorm and you feel nice and clean afterwards. The stronger the wind the better, and any time of day is acceptable. When its really windy like it is today, when you can feel the house shaking and the wind is whistling through the gaps in your house, that’s the perfect time for a bath.

I like to go and stand at the top of the stairs in my back yard and look out over the city. There are some trees in my neighbors yard, and the wind rushes through them before it makes its way to me. It ruffles my hair just the same as the pine needles it had tickled not a moment ago. I love it.

The wind seems to go right through my skin and straight into my heart. It washes away all of the turmoil that’s been boiling up in there, and makes me feel clean. All of the pain, the grief, the confusion, the hopelessness, the guilt, the worry, the fear, the shame. All gone on a single gust of wind.

There’s absolutely nothing like it.

I haven’t decided if I like wind baths better during the day or during the night. During the day you get to watch the birds floating in midair on the currents, the grass as its ruffled, and the clouds racing past that old snail of a Sun. At night you may get lucky and see the stars, or be kissed by the moon. Have you ever been kissed by the moon? I can understand why people used to talk about moon-madness. It’s such an invigorating kind of light. It’s almost a bath by its self, but not quite as thorough a scrub I think.

I love the wind. Air is my element. Even when its cold; forget that, especially when its cold. It reaches through your clothing and nips at your skin. At your soul. Those layers of grime you had picked up throughout of the course of your life are chipped right off and carried away on the breeze. And suddenly you’re glowing like those stars, or the moon. Your troubles are gone and you’re floating right off into the sky, propelled by the winds of change and hope. Winds strong enough to move the clouds and the stars and the sun and sky. And with this knowledge, the knowledge that these great celestial objects are affected by the wind just as much as you, there is nothing you can’t do.

The wind has cleansed you, and you are alive once more.

Last Day Of College

Today was my last day of school. I’m relieved its over, but am also panic stricken at the thought of now having to deal with real life. These last two weeks have been an absolute nightmare for me. I had an essay, a speech/group presentation, and a quiz all due within a day of one another. And they were all huge chunks of points. My essay was the final assignment for the quarter for my Communications class, and then the quiz was the last test of the quarter. I did really well on both of them thankfully. My group project for history was another story. Not that I didn’t do well! I got the second highest score in the class, with a 94/100. I worked harder on that project than anything else I’ve ever done. My other group mates weren’t doing anything, so I did all of the research myself and summarized it to be print out and put up on a poster board. I read through a whole book in 3 days and summarized it, with quotes and citations, for the 10 minute speech we were required to do. I spent hours upon hours working on it, and had 6 pages of notes for my speech. Come presentation day, the team member responsible for our poster board didn’t have it done. We had to move the presentation to the next day. My anxiety levels built up to astronomical levels; I’m amazed I was even able to make it through the speech the next day! I took 25 minutes to get through all my material, and somehow managed to get people to laugh a few times. I could barely see straight through the whole thing, and had to ask someone how long I had taken the next day because I couldn’t remember. 

I had 2 break downs this quarter (that I can remember), and I was on the verge of tears all day today. I was so burnt out from everything else this quarter I just did not have the energy to study for my final today. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t bring myself to study. My defense mechanisms had kicked in and my brain was trying to forget everything that was stressing me out. If you had asked me at noon today, I couldn’t have told you a single thing we learned this quarter. I went in and took my 25 question test in 15 minutes. I managed an 80, which was as good as I did on my midterm (which I had studied for). Keep in mind that means I only missed 5 questions.  And with the extra credit I did I was still able to maintain my A in the class. So between my history and communications classes I managed to get a 4.0, a first for me. All I feel like doing is crying. I’m so emotionally drained and overwhelmed at the same time. Yesterday I was still a “kid”, and today, all of the sudden, I’m an adult. I have to get a job, I have to face the world every day, I have to be truly productive for society. I graduated with the best grades I could possibly get this quarter, making my cumulative GPA something just above a B average. And it was so hard. It was impossibly hard. I’m a smart person, I think anyway, and this quarter was still incredibly hard. Facing my final today really was almost too much for me. I don’t know what it was about it that I couldn’t face, but it was mostly my lack of preparedness that immobilized me. And I think that became a metaphor for how unprepared I feel for the real world.

When I got home I made myself lunch and then I replied to some emails I had been ignoring for over a week because of the stress of school. One of them had information about a job application, from the Garden Coordinator at my internship. I’ll definitely apply for it. It’s too serendipitous not to. Tomorrow I have to run to the post office to get Amber’s christmas gift shipped to her, and then I’m meeting a friend for coffee. I also have to go in to see an orthodontic surgeon about getting my wisdom teeth removed. They’ve started to erupt and they’re hurting my jaw. This week is actually a full one for some reason. Wednesday I’m doing watercolors with my friend Melanie. I saw a thing on Tumblr from my childhood that reminded me of the fun of water painting, and decided I should do that just to be spontaneous. Thursday is the Office of Sustainability Movie Night, which several members of my family have decided to go to. I found 2 other beekeepers who were willing to answer questions with me. I hope I’ve calmed down enough by then to be relatively presentable to the public. And then Friday a friend is coming back from school and wanted to get coffee, so I’ll be spending an hour or two catching up with her. The 17th is when I’m getting my teeth pulled, and then pretty much from then until new years will be family time.

This year seems to have rushed by. I always knew it would be my hardest. I’ve never liked the number 19. It always seemed so uninteresting and in the way. This year really was my hardest year I think. I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide more this year than any other. But somehow I managed to make it through, and now I’ve finished! I’m the youngest person in my family to get an Associates Degree, and I like to think that counts for something.

If I could just have a good cry to get all of these emotions out at once I think I would feel a lot better about everything, haha.

Ghibli Films Marathon

I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. And it gave me hope in a time I desperately needed it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low in my life as I have these past few weeks. The last few days (week, perhaps even) I’ve been close to a nervous break. I walked around with tears in the corners of my eyes and spent most of today feeling as though I was bracing myself just to stay upright. I was at my internship at Pickering Barn. Nothing gives me hope like that place. But somehow, I knew when I woke up today, even that would not be enough for me. Saturdays have become my favorite day since I started working there some months ago. I love how the busyness of the garden makes me feel, and more than anything keeps me distracted from myself. Things managed to pick up toward the end of the day, and I was thankful to come home to an empty house. I watched My Neighbor Totoro, and cried about 4 times during the movie. Then my mom came home and I ate some dinner. I haven’t eaten much in the last few days. For at least three days even the thought of food was enough to bring me right to the edge of throwing up. I struggled to keep down meals, and my portions were greatly reduced. I skipped lunch on thursday. For some reason I was able to go back for a second helping of rice stir fry tonight after watching My Neighbor Totoro.

I’ve described how I envision the inner workings of my mind once before I think, so I hope you understand what I mean when I say I haven’t been able to leave my room (prison cell is more like it) in who knows how long. I used to be able to wander along the labyrinth of  thought processes and peak in the rooms containing certain memories or opinions. I hadn’t been able to see more than the maddeningly blank brink wall through the window in my door for weeks though. I’ve had a headache for well over a month at this point. Something changed tonight though I think. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind gave me hope, in all the ways I needed it. My self confidence has been at a negative value for some time now. I have almost no faith left in humanity, and feel as though our entire planet is doomed because of the actions of our species. And perhaps most gratingly I have been struggling with accepting me for being me, which is something I thought I had done years ago. This movie tonight reminded me that there is still hope, even at the worst of the worst, and somehow gave me a golden droplet of self confidence and worth. Don’t ask me why, because I honestly couldn’t tell you. And analyzing it will only make me tear it all apart so that this movie becomes another bad thing in my life.

And more than anything, I had closed myself off to water.

Depression, It Never Ends

I’ve gotten rather depressed again. For the last 4 or 5 days I was a ‘new’ kind of depressed, where I seemed to have no emotion at all. I felt like a zombie. There was… just… nothing. I had no real emotions, nothing more pressing than eating to act on, and I slept as often as I could. If I wasn’t sleeping I was just laying in bed and staring into oblivion. Yesterday I made a huge effort to force myself out of that and went to a volunteer meeting thing with a couple friends from class. I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but a few weeks ago I volunteered for a few hours collecting signatures to try and gain the support of state representatives so that we can get initiative 522 (the labeling of genetically engineered foods) passed this coming november. It was really fun last time I went, and I knew I would have fun this time, even though it wasn’t the same kind of thing at all, but I did end up going. The three of us had a good time and mostly just goofed around for about three hours. The meeting was entirely pointless as far as I was concerned, but the time with friends was crucial I think.

M and I went out to lunch today. We hardly talk any more. Ever since she found this boyfriend of hers, K, she hardly speaks to me at all. And despite her promise to not be one of those girls who brings her boyfriend along to everything, every single time we’ve talked about hanging out she has mentioned bringing him along. I’ve only hung out with her twice without him (three times counting today). He’s nice enough. I can’t tell if I’d get along with him better if he wasn’t constantly being forced on me. M is greatly concerned with whether I like him or not, but to be honest I don’t really know how I feel. I’m remaining distant at this point because talking to her any more exhausts me, and I’m sick of having to be interested in K. He met her dad this weekend. I’ve been friends with her since the 6th grade, and I haven’t even met her dad (her parents are divorced and he lives out of the state, but still).

I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and what very little motivation I had for life is gone again. I have a huge pile of homework to do, and I’ve continued to put it off for far too long. There are only two weeks left in the quarter. I just don’t know what to do with myself. And more importantly, I don’t seem to care. The only person I would talk to about this kind of stuff is M, and she’s too busy with work and K to talk to me. She works until 10 usually, and he goes home with her (they both work at the Y together) and doesn’t leave until 5am, if at all. Which means she’s too tired to talk to me during the day, or too distracted to talk to me at our usual 11-1 am time after work. I’m alone again. I haven’t been truly alone in, well, over a year now. I’d forgotten what it was like. Sure, I have friends, but don’t share that same deep connection with any of them like I did with M. And the real trouble is that its made me realize that I really am not an important piece in her life. I will always be a friend, and never family. I’m not mad at her at all. This isn’t her fault. She’s wanted a boyfriend/husband and children for longer than we’ve been friends, and I can’t blame her for being whole-heartedly excited when that’s finally come into her life. She and K have been dating for just over a month now, and everyone that works with them is talking about marriage. I do too, just to try and show how happy I am for her, even though I don’t really mean any of it.

I say how cute they are together, and how they’ll be married by August (she’s always wanted an August wedding), and the jokes they’ll have to play on their kids. K’s 22 and owns several acres in Idaho, which M has been to see already, and she thinks its gorgeous out there. She jokes that if they get married I’ll have to come and live out there with them. I hope I wasn’t too obvious about being completely against that idea. I don’t ever intend on leaving Western Washington. And if I do, the only place I can even imagine going is to the UK. And even then. I am not a city dweller I don’t think.

I feel so useless. I just want to be needed again, even if it is only by one person. I don’t feel needed at all at the moment. No one’s world would stop spinning if I suddenly wasn’t here. Not that I’m seriously contemplating suicide. I haven’t got the strength for that at all. It requires far too much planning and work. I have written out a suicide note or two in my head, just to organize my thoughts into how I feel about the people around me. Trying to summarize your feelings for someone in a short letter really makes you evaluate your relationship with them I think. And then who all would I write to? My mother, my sister (if only to tell her to stop being so incredibly stupid in everything she does), M, my neighbors, my aunts… I suppose my cousin would deserve one too. She and I always got along best, because she was a book worm like I was for many years. Oh and Amber of course! I couldn’t forget my dearest Amber. Fortunately those 7 letters are far too many to write, and I can’t be bothered to write a summary of the book I just read, so writing out all the nonsense I think of those people would be far too much. Its so much easier to just lie in bed and not think about anything. To have a perfectly empty mind. *sigh*

Alright. Its late and I really haven’t finished my summary/response to this reading that’s due tomorrow yet, so I’m going to sign off now. I’ll talk to all again soon. Though hopefully not too soon. I seem to only post in my most desperate of times I feel like any more.

Oh, and this is my 777’th post! How exciting!

Emotional Breakdowns Are Us

I’ve just had an emotional breakdown. M and I have been drifting apart for weeks, and this, compounded with her budding new relationship with her first boyfriend (who’s real name is K but whom I always call Alan), the stress caused by my dying fish, my lack of motivation for school and for life, Sam’s now day to day degeneration, the stress my sister causes, and my lack of perceived worth in my house, has caused me to all but completely give up on life. Which, in all honestly, is basically what I’ve done. First and foremost on the above list is my relationship with M. We used to be closer than close, and now her work hours and my school hours prevent us from spending any time together. She also has started dating a guy from work, who seems to be quite perfect for her. Its completely unfair of me to feel any kind of resentment towards this, but unfortunately I am, and slightly jealous as well I suppose. She and I have been lost together for most of our friendship, but now she’s found someone, and I’m just lost on my own. But its completely unfair of me to place any kind of blame on her, or any kind of anything, because I don’t resent her for this at all, and I am glad that she’s found someone. I’m just not happy that I’m back to (perceivably) alone in the world. I really only have M to talk to anymore. J (classmate, daily carpool buddy, went to japan together, etc) and I barely talk, even though we see each other every weekday morning. J (neighbors roommate) hasn’t been around in weeks because of family troubles, and will be leaving in a few months to go nanny in Spain. Those two are my closest friends, save M.

My winning personality and general love of new things have also been a great help in making new friends (that’s sarcasm). I’ve grown to be quite introverted over the last couple months, to the point that I now hate crowds outright, and talking to people I don’t know is almost painful. I used to know when someone I would get along with well or not was around, just by looking, but I only found those people on rare occasion, and came to just assume no one would get along with me. And when I say ‘get along’ I mean that we would be friends for more than just the quarter we were in class together. I grew to dislike everyone, because I didn’t think is perfectly compatible. I’ve been trying to come back out of my shell these last few weeks, with this food sustainability course I’m taking, and I have made a new friend. We aren’t perfectly compatible, but we did go to the seattle aquarium today. It wasn’t as stress free as it could’ve been, but it was fun. I think I got to a point where I was trying so hard to avoid stress that I completely shut everything/everyone else out. Which is something I’ve felt I would need to do for years before I would be able to properly change. I have such hard time asking for help, especially when it comes to personal problems. I feel like if there was anyone who really cared they would be able to take a look at me and see exactly what needed doing and would step in and fix it. Obviously no one has, or I wouldn’t be such a mess, haha.

Anyway, I finally just broke down and texted M tonight to tell her that I felt like something weird was going on between us, and I was ready for it to be done. She said she had noticed it too (but my guess is that her new boyfriend has been a sufficient enough distraction that she didn’t really look into it like I have), and was glad I brought it up. My response was “lol, blunt is what I’m known for dear. I love to watch the politics of friendship on TV, but find it irritating in my own life. Its like dancing, or sex. Its pretty to watch, but when I’m required to do it I look like an oaf.” The only funny part of the conversation unfortunately. She asked if her new relationship had anything to do with it, to which I replied with a half-truth. I said that if it “was making an impact i couldn’t say how exactly. And I wouldn’t ask you to do anything differently anyway because that wouldn’t be fair of me at all.” Because she truly hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’, like talking about him non-stop or forcing him on me/inviting him to every single thing we do. Well, she actually has done that, but only because our time schedules work out that we all have free time at the same time. And we’ve only had three times that we’ve gotten together in the last month.

Blah. I think I’m done blogging about this for now. I’ve addressed the subject with her, and spent the last hour writing this out, and feel a lot better. Now its time to go and finish this three page essay I have due tomorrow (technically later today) because its the first essay of the quarter, and I have no idea how to do it. Its a personal essay on our relationship with food.

You’re Never There

Since the return of my sister I-

Sorry, we seem to have a new ghost at my house. We haven’t had one in months, but this one loves to make the lightbulbs click. Its not a sound from the flipping of a switch; it originates within the bulbs themselves and is a once-made soft clicking noise. I’ve never heard this noise before, but the kitchen light is now usually where it comes from. It only happens when the lights are off. I’m upstairs in my room and just heard the kitchen light click. It was loud enough to be heard over the rain on my skylights, the motor of the filter on my fish tank, and the ticking of both of my clocks. I listened for a moment and then one of my light bulbs made the noise. There have also been unexplained bumping/thudding noises around the house. Always just a single tap though. Mostly in the dinning room or kitchen.

Anyway. Since my sister’s come-

Good lord. Apparently there’s an aid car at my neighbor’s neighbors right now. The sister of the man who shot himself. This woman has been known to have drunken panic attacks that have required an aid car to be called though, so that’s what my mom thinks it is. F has called an aid for her twice, once because he found her convulsing on her front lawn. She’s an extreme alcoholic. Her recycling consists almost entirely of wine bottles. How do I know you ask? We heard her take her recycling out this summer. Two houses away. It was all glass. F went over because her dog got out, and said the kitchen was full of wine bottles.

Alright, I’m going to attempt to write this post for a third time. Sister. Home. The first few days were awkward, but not so much anymore. We are basically back to how we used to be, but I’m much less involved/invested in her. We joke around, we talk about things we need to do on any given day, but emotionally I’m not invested in her. She has fallen right back in with her same old friends, and I’m not interested in it at all. I’ve basically cut my ‘at home’ time in half because I don’t really want to be around her. And my mother is twice as invested in her as she’s ever been in me. It’s honestly “your sister this, your sister that” whenever I talk to her, and so I’m avoiding her a little too. I know this may be selfish, but there’s really been no major effort to figure out how I’m feeling about any of this – not that I really even know at the moment. I haven’t sat down to process it. I haven’t sat down to process much of anything in a long time. I feel happier though. I’ve finally got a group of friends to hang out with, so if I need to I can leave and hang out with someone at a moments notice. I definitely feel like my maturity level has gone down though. I’ve lost something… but I couldn’t tell you what it was.

I basically unplug and go on autopilot whenever my mom talks to me. My answers are almost always one word long, and very little emotion goes into them. Both my mother and sister have joked about it, so I know they’ve noticed, but I don’t think either of them have stopped to consider why I respond that way. I just feel completely unimportant here. In my group of friends my personality is celebrated. Today I acted like one of my friends, to throw everyone off, and they said it freaked them out and that I needed to go back to acting like my normal aloof yet blatant self immediately. It wasn’t that I needed to stop acting like the other person, it was that I needed to act like myself that mattered to me. We all ended up having a heart to heart about our pasts, and all admitted to being depressed at one point or another. Though I definitely have them all beat, lol. I’m not sure why depression is something I’m comfortable joking with, but I think that it’s just become so much of who I am that poking fun at it is just like poking fun at any of my other traits. During our heart to heart I said, “Yeah, I struggle to find the will to get out of bed in the morning, or do simple tasks, and have been suicidal for years, lol. Its no big deal, haha.” Its to the point where I feel like I’m going to start getting better, simply because there’s no where else to go. I don’t know how I could feel any worse than I do already. Well, not right now. Right now I’m fine. I find my depression comes in waves. Sometimes its like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I struggle to find the energy to breathe. Other times I have completely normal days, at which point I become confused by the lack of depression.

To have this heart to heart today, I skipped class. I’ve been doing this A LOT this quarter. I’ve skipped at least one class at least once every week this quarter, which is completely unlike me. But I have an A in my Anthropology class, a C in Math, which is exactly what I want, and I’m assuming a B in Art Appreciation. I’ve been absent too many times to be getting full points for attendance/participation, even though I’m doing all my work. I end up having more fun if I skip, because my schedule is opposite half of my groups. It doesn’t help that my classes are dull and I’m not learning anything in them. And I haven’t had fun like this with friends… in a long long time. M and I have become distant, since she decided to go to school in Montana in the springtime. She’s leaving me in two months. We used to text constantly every day, and now we maybe send one or two texts here and there. We used to be a matched freaking set. We knew what the other was thinking at any given moment, we could finish each others sentences, we were the same person. I think the major thing that drove us apart, or at the very least put this distance between us, was the fact that we both went through an extremely difficult period of depression at the same time. A guy she had been basically dating (though it wasn’t official, [ -_- ]) didn’t want to have a long distance relationship with her while he was away at school. He broke her heart and didn’t even realize it. I don’t really know what put me in such a low state of being, but I do think that M’s low mood levels certainly effected my own.

We eventually came out of it, she much faster than I, and moved on. But it’s come to the point where we know everything about one another, and nothing new or exciting in life is happening for us to share. She’s leaving for school in two months, and in the mean time works evenings, when I’m off school. So even if we did want to hang out, we couldn’t. We’ve just grown apart I think. The worst part I think is that I saw it coming. I have a terrible knack of being able to predict the end of a friendship, and I noted ours going into decline months ago. There was nothing noticeable, nothing that would’ve been an obvious clue. Maybe one less text during the day, or a sentence less in a conversation, over the course of several days. I saw it coming though. And as much as I love M, I wasn’t going to try and stop this from happening. I saw the signs and remember acknowledging the moment I realized the friendship was in decline with a calm sort of respect. I was thankful for the times we had had together, sad that they were ending, but overall I was calm an accepting. I had finished a phase in my life. That said, M and I are practically soul mates, so I’m certain we will not fade entirely from one another’s lives. But the level of intimacy (and I use that word entirely for lack of a better one) we shared is gone, and I don’t see it ever returning. Which is fine I suppose.

Well now, I’ve typed your eyes off for long enough I think. Its definitely time for bed. Oh, and since halloween is tomorrow, I’ll tell you what I’m dressing up as. A beekeeper! I plan to go to school fully suited up. Driving to school should be fun too, lol.