Tag Archive: depressed

I broke down and told M how I felt about everything these past few months. Instead of summarizing it for you I’m just going to copy over the text I sent her. Here it is:

“Ok, I’ve been uncertain of how to address this, but I’ve been feeling this way for weeks so I hope you’re prepared for some word vomit. I’m sure you’ve been waiting for something of this nature for a while now, haha. 
We haven’t been talking to each other since you and K started dating. I knew you would be really exited about him so I consciously slowed my texting to give you more time with him, since I knew you’d only be thinking about him anyway. I knew in the end our friendship would be not anywhere near what it was, I just expected it to happen gradually, over the course of months/years, not almost over night like it did. Because in the end you’ll be married with kids, and we won’t be as close as we were last year, and I fully realize that. That said, I later began to assume that eventually the novelty of K would wear off and we would get back to being good friends again, even if not so good as before. But it didn’t. I even brought it up once, and said that we had drifted apart, over a month ago now I’m sure. I don’t think anything has really changed though.
I know you’ve noticed the distance between us, but I think with K and a full time job to distract you it hasn’t affected you like it’s effected me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I hope you realize that I’m not mad at you or K in anyway, I’m just sad that our friendship has fallen apart (in my perspective anyway) as much as it has. You’ve really only come to talk to me when you’ve had an issue with K these last 3 months. And I know you said you wouldn’t be ‘that girl who is constantly bringing her boyfriend along’ but I think we’ve hung out maybe 4 times without him, and that’s out of the dozen some odd times that we’ve seen each other at all. 
I should’ve addressed this sooner, but talking to you has become more and more difficult for me. I don’t feel like I know you anymore, and the stress of that and the reminder that we aren’t what we once were makes me hate that I even feel this way. You’re the closest friend I’ve ever had (and really the only one i’ve got) and I feel like I lost you as soon as I found you.

And to make matters even worse I started getting depressed again around December, and have been struggling with that alone for months. My social anxiety has sky rocketed and watching Supernatural has been my way of coping with everything. I didn’t want to bother you because you’ve been so happy and I didn’t want to spoil that. I feel crappy for even sending you this.
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. For everything.”

We then spent the next couple hours texting back and forth, when I stopped crying enough to text anyway. I was a complete train wreck last night. I haven’t cried that hard in years, if ever really. I’m not sure if I feel better or not. It was kind of nice just to be a mess, but waking up and finding that my views on things hadn’t changed didn’t much help.

M was really gracious about all of it, and apologized for everything and tried to pin this all on herself. I feel terrible for making her think that way. I don’t blame her at all for the distance that’s come up between us. She has a full time job that is at complete opposites with my schedule, and has K to talk to day and night instead of me. She found someone she loves and she doesn’t need or have time for me anymore, as far as I’m concerned. She swears thats not the case at all, but I… I’m far too doubtful.

Today was better for me. I came close to spontaneously bursting into tears for no reason, but I was ok for the most part I think. Watching my garden is always calming.

It was so hot today. 82 was the predicted high, and tomorrow it will be 85. Its been warmer than usual the last few days, and should be well up in the 70s all week, with no chance of rain at all. This is July weather.

In other, completely unrelated news, I’ve decided to go to Spain at the end of August. My neighbor, J, has a nannying job that she’ll be doing over there, and invited me to go along. I was hesitant for a while, but my mom sort of pressured me into it I guess. And I really shouldn’t be going, given that my mom is potentially going to loose her job before the year is out. Its so draining to be your own parent all the time though, especially when the person who is actually your parent is the one encouraging you to make a foolish decision. Ugh. But whatever. I’m thinking that I may fly into London and spend a day or two there before taking the train over into France and making my way to Barcelona eventually. I may go see Italy for a day while I’m there too. I haven’t decided how long I’m going for just yet. Its gonna be at least two weeks.

Alright, I’ve rambled on enough. I just wanted to update you all on my life. In short, I’m suicidal, my best friend is wonderful, and I’m going to Barcelona at the end of summer. 

Life Sucks At 19

I came to realize today that my only friend is Amber. M and I have all but completely stopped talking since she started dating K three months ago. Her work schedule changed, so that she goes to work an hour after I leave school, so we never have time to hang out. And if we do, she always brings K along. So I guess its not that we’re not friends any more, its just that we never see or speak to each other. We had plans to go to the tulip festival today, which I’ve wanted to do for upwards of three years now, but M decided she was too tired and because there was a chance of rain it wasn’t worth going. Naturally I had canceled family plans so we could go on her day off (which she actually ended up working anyway), so I got to feel guilty about that without anything to show for it.

I’ve been horribly depressed- well, all year actually; as we’re going into our 5th month now. I’ve always hated the number 19; its funny that this has actually been the worst year of my life I think. I don’t remember ever feeling this terrible. I’m to the point where if I get too depressed I actually get a piercing migraine. It feels like something is crushing the two halves of my brain together. Perhaps its just trying to implode.

Let’s see. I hate school. I haven’t learned a single thing in my Economics of Sustainability course, and we’re three chapters behind. My plant ID course is fun, but gets less fun with each field trip because the two girls I’m friends with, A and K (who were in my group last quarter in Bite Me 2.0, that food sustainability course I took), both constantly talk about doing drugs. A is a recovering alcoholic, who’s rather slutty and does all kinds of drugs. K is an alcoholic who also does lots of drugs. I like A well enough, because I can forgive her past, but then she’ll talk about how she’s going to do this drug or that drug, and she and K will talk about what drugs go best together, and I find all of that foolishness to be wholly repulsive. Which makes carpooling with them and hiking with them very difficult. They call me boring because the hardest thing I drink is coffee, and only rarely drink it. There’s going to be two camping trips the class takes to eastern Washington this year. Drinking is permitted for both of them (our teacher will drink as well), so I think I’ll be skipping them. I’m not going to go spend the night with A and K while they’re drunk. A is already talking about what kind of drugs she’ll bring. These two are 22 and 24 mind.

Math is the only class I don’t completely hate, but I come close to having a melt down in it almost every day. I’m not even sure why. The kids are all fine, the teacher is funny, I understand the material. Regardless I get close to tears more often than not, and have had to keep myself from running out of class at least a half dozen times.

I’m falling apart. Slowly but surely. At first I wanted to take down the walls I’d put in place ages ago, in an effort to try and get better. Now I feel like I’ve locked myself in a very small room in the middle of an elaborate mansion, and every so often I’m able to walk out of that small room I’m surrounded by dozens of doors which all lead to rooms full of even more misery. I mediated and managed to open one once I think. But my mom came home and I had to rush back to my very small room. It’s a prison and a haven, but more of a prison than anything. I only have to deal with people a few hours a day, but I can never escape myself. I often envision myself beating against the door. I’ve never seen a handle on it; it just opens on its own sometimes.

My family and I have all but completely stopped speaking to each other since I told my mom off. The people I talk to most now are my neighbors and my internship boss. I love my internship. Its such fun. I never go knowing what to expect, so the whole day is kind of done flying by the seat of my pants. I love F, the leader/coordinator of the garden. She’s as chaotic as I am, so we get along wonderfully. I only get to go on wednesday evenings and saturdays though (saturdays rarely, but much more consistently after may 11th). This summer should be great though! I’ll probably spend most of my time there I think.

Oh and I’ve almost finished Supernatural. I sold my soul to that show ages ago, and I’m a quarter of the way through season 8!

Depression, It Never Ends

I’ve gotten rather depressed again. For the last 4 or 5 days I was a ‘new’ kind of depressed, where I seemed to have no emotion at all. I felt like a zombie. There was… just… nothing. I had no real emotions, nothing more pressing than eating to act on, and I slept as often as I could. If I wasn’t sleeping I was just laying in bed and staring into oblivion. Yesterday I made a huge effort to force myself out of that and went to a volunteer meeting thing with a couple friends from class. I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but a few weeks ago I volunteered for a few hours collecting signatures to try and gain the support of state representatives so that we can get initiative 522 (the labeling of genetically engineered foods) passed this coming november. It was really fun last time I went, and I knew I would have fun this time, even though it wasn’t the same kind of thing at all, but I did end up going. The three of us had a good time and mostly just goofed around for about three hours. The meeting was entirely pointless as far as I was concerned, but the time with friends was crucial I think.

M and I went out to lunch today. We hardly talk any more. Ever since she found this boyfriend of hers, K, she hardly speaks to me at all. And despite her promise to not be one of those girls who brings her boyfriend along to everything, every single time we’ve talked about hanging out she has mentioned bringing him along. I’ve only hung out with her twice without him (three times counting today). He’s nice enough. I can’t tell if I’d get along with him better if he wasn’t constantly being forced on me. M is greatly concerned with whether I like him or not, but to be honest I don’t really know how I feel. I’m remaining distant at this point because talking to her any more exhausts me, and I’m sick of having to be interested in K. He met her dad this weekend. I’ve been friends with her since the 6th grade, and I haven’t even met her dad (her parents are divorced and he lives out of the state, but still).

I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and what very little motivation I had for life is gone again. I have a huge pile of homework to do, and I’ve continued to put it off for far too long. There are only two weeks left in the quarter. I just don’t know what to do with myself. And more importantly, I don’t seem to care. The only person I would talk to about this kind of stuff is M, and she’s too busy with work and K to talk to me. She works until 10 usually, and he goes home with her (they both work at the Y together) and doesn’t leave until 5am, if at all. Which means she’s too tired to talk to me during the day, or too distracted to talk to me at our usual 11-1 am time after work. I’m alone again. I haven’t been truly alone in, well, over a year now. I’d forgotten what it was like. Sure, I have friends, but don’t share that same deep connection with any of them like I did with M. And the real trouble is that its made me realize that I really am not an important piece in her life. I will always be a friend, and never family. I’m not mad at her at all. This isn’t her fault. She’s wanted a boyfriend/husband and children for longer than we’ve been friends, and I can’t blame her for being whole-heartedly excited when that’s finally come into her life. She and K have been dating for just over a month now, and everyone that works with them is talking about marriage. I do too, just to try and show how happy I am for her, even though I don’t really mean any of it.

I say how cute they are together, and how they’ll be married by August (she’s always wanted an August wedding), and the jokes they’ll have to play on their kids. K’s 22 and owns several acres in Idaho, which M has been to see already, and she thinks its gorgeous out there. She jokes that if they get married I’ll have to come and live out there with them. I hope I wasn’t too obvious about being completely against that idea. I don’t ever intend on leaving Western Washington. And if I do, the only place I can even imagine going is to the UK. And even then. I am not a city dweller I don’t think.

I feel so useless. I just want to be needed again, even if it is only by one person. I don’t feel needed at all at the moment. No one’s world would stop spinning if I suddenly wasn’t here. Not that I’m seriously contemplating suicide. I haven’t got the strength for that at all. It requires far too much planning and work. I have written out a suicide note or two in my head, just to organize my thoughts into how I feel about the people around me. Trying to summarize your feelings for someone in a short letter really makes you evaluate your relationship with them I think. And then who all would I write to? My mother, my sister (if only to tell her to stop being so incredibly stupid in everything she does), M, my neighbors, my aunts… I suppose my cousin would deserve one too. She and I always got along best, because she was a book worm like I was for many years. Oh and Amber of course! I couldn’t forget my dearest Amber. Fortunately those 7 letters are far too many to write, and I can’t be bothered to write a summary of the book I just read, so writing out all the nonsense I think of those people would be far too much. Its so much easier to just lie in bed and not think about anything. To have a perfectly empty mind. *sigh*

Alright. Its late and I really haven’t finished my summary/response to this reading that’s due tomorrow yet, so I’m going to sign off now. I’ll talk to all again soon. Though hopefully not too soon. I seem to only post in my most desperate of times I feel like any more.

Oh, and this is my 777’th post! How exciting!

Life- It’s So Tough

I feel like crap. My day was completely unproductive, and then my mom came home and made me feel extremely bad about it. I have no excuse for not doing the dishes or taking out the recycling or doing the laundry or getting my college stuff ready so that when my mom came home she’d be able to just whip it out. Now I’ve waited until the last possible minute, my mom’s credit card has been rejected for some reason, and I’ll have to call the school tomorrow to get it taken care of. I feel absolutely worthless at the moment, and have trouble seeing the point to anything. I think I had my first close encounter with a panic attack. My chest went cold, my throat seemed to close and open at the same time, and my entire face felt like dry ice. I don’t even know how to explain it. I had to lie down on my bed a breathe through it for a minute or two before I was back to a regular depressed state.

I feel like dying. I’ve said it god knows how many times before but I that’s how I feel at the moment. I feel like screaming and dying and crying all at the same time. I can’t see any reason to continue living. I won’t be contributing to the gene pool ever, I’m not good at contributing to society, I’m bad at just about everything except sticking things in the ground and doing nothing. It’s times like these I feel like packing up my stuff and running. I don’t have any idea where I’d run to, probably out to the country, if I knew where that was. I think I’d just walk forever, until I got too tired to carry on and died. I’m loosing my mind, I know I am. It’s embarrassing to say, but I am. And not just, I’m forgetting things, but the way I cope with stress is to picture myself as telekinetic. I talk to my daemon (in my head) despite the fact that daemons are things from a fictional story. I have successfully cut myself off from the outside world, minus my blog of course.

I feel like I’m reaching the end of myself. I don’t know how I’ll go on. I don’t know how I made it to today to be honest. I’m ready to be done. I’m ready to not exist anymore. To simply cease all thoughts and actions and awareness. To scatter to the winds in a trillion pieces and become the trees and the earth and the sea. Life is too difficult. I want nothing to do with it anymore. I want to be a water molecule. Something so simple and pure. Something that doesn’t care about what it’s doing because it doesn’t have any thought. I want my thoughts to go away and not be my own. My own brain is causing me stress. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it all. Just let me be finished already.

Somebody Save Me

There is something seriously wrong with me. I seem to have lost the ability to sympathize with the rest of humanity. I don’t know what to do; I’m not even able to function in society. I seem to only hurt those around me, and ironically enough, I used to be the one everyone sought out for good advice and condolences. I’m selfish, and arrogant, and I see that what I’m doing hurts people. I just don’t seem able to act any other way. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate how much I can’t stand people.

My sister and I got into quite an argument today. We exchanged our normal insults, but took it a step further. Some how I’m always the one who feels guilty and she’s always the one feeling hurt, even though she is usually the one to attack me. The turning point in the argument was when she said something along the lines of how I judge her. “Oh boo who. Everyone judges me and I hate it but I’m just going to go around judging everyone else.” I said in a mock tone. “I’m tired of hearing you say how much people judge you but then listening to you come over here and judge me.” She comes home everyday and tells me how much I need to “get a life” and then calls me lazy because I won’t get my license and continues on with a bunch of other things that are clearly stress points in my life. I don’t even know what I say to her… my mind seems bent on blocking it out.

I really do believe something is wrong with me. I can’t remember half of the things I do, because my mind WON’T remember. The harder I try the more my mind seems to turn to mush. It literally feels like I don’t have a brain and I’m sitting still just enjoying an ignorant bliss. My mind goes numb or something and it feels good, but I’m stuck struggling to remember while also floating on a cloud. I’m constantly saying the wrong things, and my words have been mixing more and more. My mind plays tricks on me and makes me think someone said something else ALL THE TIME. It’s not just a “oh I thought you said ___, hahahaha” it’s a “No you said this” and then having an entire group of people tell me otherwise.

Anyway, the fight with my sister ended moments before my mom came back from the hospital (she was visiting the friend who had two heart attacks). She asked what had been going on and then went to change. My sister (clearly close to tears) went to her room. My mom came out and asked what was wrong, “the usual arguments” I replied. Then my mom went and talked to my sister, who was crying in her room at this point and after a few minutes came back out to talk to me. She asked what was I had done to make her cry and eventually I told her. I said I didn’t agree with some of her life choices, which my mother asked about, so I told her everything bad that my sister has done. All of the stealing and skipping school. I guess I did manage to forget the alcohol though. Most of the bad things I’ve told you, I told to her. My sister will hate me for eternity, and will live with my dad for the rest of her life.

Maybe then I could finally just be alone. My mom wouldn’t ever want to come home because she would hate that I drove my sister out, and I would become even more reserved and mental than I am now. I would become addicted to marijuana, and eventually start growing it to feed my addiction. My life would crumble to ruins and perhaps I would finally commit suicide. I guess everybody wins. Now that I think about it though, My life kind of already is in ruins. I told you I was insane.

Oh and PS: I took my written test for my driver’s license. I failed.

Me, The Buffoon

Some times I just feel like such a goof. I will say the oddest things or do something really stupid. I hate it. Today for example, you know all the stuff I told you about my sister yesterday? Well I told a table full of my friends the same things except I got a little more detailed because they know who I’m talking about. I felt really bad after words because it was basically slandering my little sister lol. I think it was just meant to be a bad day today because I felt like I was going to cry over a math test. A freakin’ math test! I was seriously unprepared for it and only got two thirds of the way done. I literally guessed for the last half of the test. Anyways my other example of my stupidity is during 6th period (journalism). We had to interview each other as practice and I got a guy I literally had never said two words to.

I have no complaints about him at the moment, but give it a month, I’m sure I’ll hate him by then lol. So we had to interview each other and since the two of us finished early we decided to play first rock, paper, scissors then tic-tac-toe and finally connect four, because the other two games were boring. So somewhere in the game we came to a pause and it was his turn to go. So I’m waiting and waiting and waiting and I kind of spaced out or looked away for a second or something and he went but I didn’t see. So I’m still waiting for him to take his turn and finally I point out that he could win if he did something. He understood but told me that I still needed to take my turn. I was totally confused and asked him what he had played. He pointed and I felt like such a buffoon. Only I can manage to do something like that. Oh and before that class I was walking up the stares and I zoned out for a second that I actually forgot where I was and what I was doing. Luckily my legs were on auto pilot so I was still walking to class but I managed to forget everything in the world for about 30 seconds. People pay hundreds of dollars for drugs that do that and I can manage to do it without any effort. This is not a good thing lol.