Tag Archive: arguing

An Update From Home

I’ve been home for just over a week now. I have to say, I’m not enjoying it. My house isn’t any messier than it has been in my entire life, but after living for a couple months on my own in a room that was immaculate and completely devoid of clutter, its driving me crazy. My first night back I stayed up until 2 AM rearranging the kitchen and the cupboards. You can’t find anything you need in this place and there’s stuff EVERYWHERE. My mom is genuinely a hoarder. We got in an argument this morning over moving a bookshelf from one side of the room to the other! It was finished by my mom saying she couldn’t afford to do anything and that she’s loosing her job soon (and I’m not exaggerating when I say she’s been saying that since we moved into this house 5 years ago). We were supposed to go for a walk today but she decided to shut herself in her room after telling me my opinions were “bullshit”.

That opened the way for a very nice breakfast with my sister though, and I do actually appreciate that. We talked about how crazy our parents are, and I apologized for being awful to her a couple years ago. It was nice to be able to talk about things again.

I’ve also stopped shaving, something I’ve only done once before. I’ve got three weeks of relative aloneness, so I figured now would be a fun time to see what I look like with facial hair. I normally could shave twice a day if I needed to, so its coming in fast. The longest I made it last time was 10 days, so I’m hoping to break that record this time, haha. I’ve also started going on walks! I feel bad not being able to play with the dogs all the time because of the weather, and even when we are playing its not like they’re getting constant exercise. So for the last three days I’ve made sure to do at least a half hour walk around the neighborhood with them. I almost didn’t go today because I was out of the house for so long running errands with a friend, but I decided i might as well go tonight. It was wonderful getting to see the city after dark! I live up on a hill but there are buildings in the way so I don’t get a very nice view from my house. There’s a nice street a few minutes away though and it has a great view of the valley and the hill on the other side.

I’m glad to be back home with my dogs, but living with my mom is definitely a bigger struggle than it was before. I’ve got a few big projects to do around the house this coming year, so I’m hoping I find a decent job to cover all of the expenses, haha. I did tell you I was going back to my old store right? So I’ll be working a few days a week there just to give me a small amount of income, but I’ll be looking for something bigger and better on my days off. Getting stuck at Starbucks is the last thing I want.

Anyway, my neighbor has invited me over for a movie, so I’m gonna head out! Jus thought I would write to let you all know I’m doing well. I feel like I don’t write those kinds of posts very often so its nice when I get to!

My mom and I got into a huge fight a couple days ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever been in a fight of this scale with her before. My sister has, for weeks, been neglecting her chores, and finally we started talking about it. My sister’s only chore in the house has been to do the dishes, while I do the gardening, the dog poop scooping, the vacuuming, dusting, moping, and taking out of recycling, garbage and compost. Seems fair, right? But because my sister is never home, she feels that she shouldn’t be responsible for the dishes because very few of them are ever hers. A perfectly valid argument, but when its ones only chore, I have a hard time being sympathetic. My mom tried to talk to her about it, while I was there, and my sister was on her phone and watching TV throughout the conversation. It was incredibly rude as far as I’m concerned, and I don’t know why my mom tolerated it. I think I said maybe 4 or 5 words throughout the whole ordeal, since it wasn’t my place to say much of anything, and only spoke up when I felt it necessary. Eventually my sister got so frustrated by not being able to get out of her chores she was close to just walking out of the house (she had the door open and everything). I don’t remember what my mom said to make her stay, but she did, and my sister eventually just decided that she would be doing her own dishes and her own laundry and would sweep the house occasionally and that would be that. My mom completely rolled over and gave her a hug and a kiss and $20 to go have fun with friends. I was in complete disbelief at the whole situation.

I went back into the kitchen to finish making my dinner (this whole thing started because everything I needed to make dinner for myself was dirty and I wanted to know what officially was going to happen with the dishes), and my mom immediately turned on me to tell me that I needed to watch my attitude. I didn’t even let her finish her sentence because I was beyond furious that she was berating me after my sisters display. Especially since I had spoken maybe twice, and had eeeeevery right to be mad about my sisters lack of help around the house. She had tried to use the excuse that she was too busy and too tired during the week to do any amount of chores (this is while she’s waiting for a friend to come and pick her up mind). I told my mom: “you don’t get to try and parent me after not parenting her.” She was instantly mad and said: “you don’t get to tell me how to be a fucking parent.” It only escalated from there, and much of what was said I cannot remember in detail. I basically told her that her current “parenting” technique wasn’t working, and that she had just rewarded my sister for walking all over her. I told her that there hadn’t been any form of reprimand or consequences in our house for years, and that it was entirely unacceptable how my sister had been behaving.

She asked me angrily what specifically she should do, especially in regards to me, since I was the one asking for punishment. She brought up the fact that I had tried to buy a dyson vacuum (something I’ve wanted for years) against her wishes but had been unable to do so because of insufficient funds (she had borrowed money from me and hadn’t paid me back yet when I tried to buy it [which I didn’t realize]). I told her that she should’ve taken my debit card away, or withheld gas money. There should have been SOMETHING to teach me how to better manage my money, which she has genuinely never sat me down to do. Ever. She basically admitted to not parenting us at all, and that she had not given us chores or anything of that nature when we were younger so we could have happier childhoods. I asked what that had taught us, and she asked me what chores I specifically wanted to do around the house. I said that I was happy doing all of the things I already did, but that because my sister lived with us she needed to have some form of chores as well. And I brought up that it had taken me years to figure out that I wanted a clean house (which I really only discovered because I was tired of living in a filthy home, but I didn’t say that).

She was furious with me for speaking my mind. Oh! Several weekends ago my sister wanted to go on a camping trip with some friends. She got in a big fight with my mom about money and how she didn’t have access to her savings account. After having a large fight, my mom gave her a large chunk of money and bought her a 5th of whiskey to take on her camping trip. Keep in mind that my sister is 17, and that my mom only just finished a custody battle. I brought that up during our fight, and she said that my sister had brought that bottle back more than half full, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, and that I was one to talk because I drink wine whenever I’m with my neighbors. I said that I felt that was different because I was with family friends and that I wasn’t drinking to get drunk, nor was I drinking hard alcohol. And I said that I only started drinking because I had been pressured into it by her, which is genuinely true. She pressured me for years to drink wine with her and the neighbors, and when I went to J’s house immediately after this fight to talk about it, she agreed and remembered witnessing it. My mom, naturally, felt differently. She said that she had never done that and that if I felt that way it was entirely my fault. She swore at me several times throughout the fight, though she never directly insulted me. I find swearing to be unnecessary, and especially in those circumstances, when the goal of arguing is to get the other person to understand your perspective. I’m sure I could’ve been more articulate, but I feel like for the most part I did ok.

We went to the movies together the day after that (yesterday), because we had originally planned to go the day of the fight. She asked if I hated her, like she always does after we have any sort of disagreement, to which I always reply no. I asked her the same question, and she told me that she was proud of me. I struggled to keep from laughing. I’ve lost all respect for her I’ve realized. She consistently rewards appalling behavior, and takes no responsibility for anything. When your child is telling you there aren’t enough rules in the house, and that they think they should be punished for their own bad behavior, and you laugh in their face and tell them that everything is fine, something is extremely wrong. She joked about some of the points I made during the argument, and said that if she really was a bad parent she wouldn’t have stood up to me. I just see it as being thick headed and stubborn. I’m sad more than anything. This ordeal made me realize that I’ve truly outgrown my mother, and that I actually have been more mature than her for some time. She has no control over this house or her children, and often puts down the one who sees whats wrong and is willing to speak up about it (me) instead of the child who is misbehaving, doing poorly in school, and is drinking irresponsibly and doing drugs.

My Sister And I “Talk”

After weeks without saying more than a few insubstantial words to my sister, and only when the occasion demanded it, she pestered me in full today. She came up last night, dropped off her dog, and then spent the night at a friend’s house. She came home about an hour ago and started asking me questions and trying to talk to me. I ignored her and continued reading my book, not even so much as tensing up while she talked. Eventually she asked if I had fed the dogs, which I ignored because she should know that after all these years our mother still feeds them before she goes to work at 7, like she’s done our entire lives. She continued pestering me until eventually I asked if she really thought I owed her a response. She said she didn’t think I owed her anything but agitatedly asked why I couldn’t have just answered and didn’t know where my attitude was coming from.

I told her that our mom had already fed them and then… I don’t remember how exactly we started fighting outright, but our argument began there. She started shouting about how one-sided I am and how I “don’t even give a shit”. I told her that I didn’t need to hear an explanation of anything, because her actions spoke for her, and also responded with a question, asking, “do you realize how your actions effect people? You’re hurting others when you come up here and bitch about how hard your life is, but its still better being down with them than with people who have actually been trying to help you your whole life. I find it ridiculous for you to just come up here and bitch constantly, because it’s not fun for anyone. Its not fun for mom to listen to how hard your life is down there and then watch you continue to stay down there.” I did later ask for an explanation, though she refused to give one at that point.

She made a comment about how she needed a brother right now, and that I wasn’t being one. I asked why I should, when she wasn’t acting like a sister. She asked how I had ever acted like a brother to her, (with which I replied with the example of my defending her from three adults three times my age at our neighbors house) and said “I’m not going to come up here and kiss your ass so you’ll like me again”. I told her, “Good, I don’t want you to. I don’t have any desire to see you because you continuously make bad decisions that affect more than just you.”

We switched gears somehow, but I forget the segue exactly. I think it was in the line of, you need to live by the rules of the person you decided to live with and stop playing the parents against each other by running back and forth asking for things from whoever will get it for you. She asked what she had done, and I listed the examples of her asking for an iphone and trying to get out of school early.

On the last day of school my dad wasn’t answering my sisters calls, so she called my mom to get her to call the school so she could leave early. I told her that is was an unnecessary stressor for my mom, though she didn’t understand why. “I didn’t even think- it wasn’t a big deal” she said. To which I replied, “no, that’s the problem, you don’t think about your actions or how they effect others, it was stress that mom doesn’t need, because she had to worry about what dad would do and its completely unnecessary. You moved down there to live with his rules, so you have to follow them; playing the parents against each other is absolutely ridiculous.” Oh, and as to her wanting a phone; she asked my dad for one, but he won’t get it for her on his phone plan. He’s “agreed” to pay for it as long as it goes on my moms phone bill and she buys the phone (using money he’ll send her), though my mom has asked to get something in writing to prove that he would and has yet to receive anything. She didn’t understand how that was a stress inducer for my mom, who would have to coordinate with my dad about that every month and worry about whether he would really be paying her.

My sister then went into how my dad would jump over backwards for me and that he loved me. I almost went into a giant rant about how untrue both of those things are, but after jumbling through half a dozen versions of “no” I said “whatever, that’s a different story”. She has really no idea of the pain he’s caused me throughout the years or of the severely hurtful things he’s said to me. Things that one does not forgive lightly, and certainly of which are not indicative of love.

At this point she stood up to leave and said, “I’m going to counseling to figure things out! You’ve told me multiple times that I’m fucked up in the head” (which I would like to point out, is not entirely true. I never used such harsh phrasing; it was more along the lines of ‘you need help cause you’re so weird’ and was always said in a joking manner in the middle of playful banter) “and I don’t want to live with anyone because it’s so shitty!” She then stormed out in tears.

Obviously, this is an incomplete retelling of the event, as my memory is rather bad and things said in the heat of the moment are hardly ever remembered with 100% accuracy, but for the most part we both remained relatively composed and, while we weren’t being nice to one another, I don’t know that either of us were spiteful. Except to say that she did repeat, “You don’t even give a shit” and added, “fuck you” on her way out the door.

I just wanted to get this all out before I had time to think it over in full and let my opinions/emotions change my recollection of events.

I just wanted to post and say I haven’t vanished off the face of the earth or anything. I just haven’t done anything truly interesting really. The only note worthy things that’s happened is that I found out H’s boyfriend hates me. Apparently he’s jealous of H’s and mines friendship.  Which I find slightly amusing. H’s “surprise” (she’s known about it for about 3 weeks) birthday party was on Friday. You all know me; I forgot that it was Friday and made plans with my cousins to go have dinner at their house that night. And then just after I make the plans H texts me to make sure I’m coming to her party. I was like, uhhh… and asked if I could come half way through (it was a 6 hour party) so I could eat and visit ect. I go and have dinner and H starts texting me asking me to come early because people were playing football and she knew I wasn’t going to play. I was like, so you only want me over there because I’m your fat friend who will sit on the sidelines with you instead of playing. She claims I’m the skinniest person she knows, but whatever.

So I go home to change, because you all know me, I was still in my dirty yard clothes to go to my families house. I don’t care; I’m not going to change into different clothes to wear them for a few hours and then come home and change right back into my dirty ones. It’s just my family right? Anyway, I finally get to the party and H comes out to walk me to the back and on the way she tells me that her boyfriend, J, hates me. At first I thought she was just kidding and I was like, are you serious? She said yeah and then asked me to be nice. I laughed and said, what are you talking about I’m always nice. She’s seen me with some of my least favorite teachers though haha, so she’s knows I’m really not that nice.

Anyway. She and I and two of her friends and the two German exchange kids sat on the patio and played Taboo, while the 6 other people at the party (including J) played football. The whole evening was spent in this split way and it just started to get awkward because H was the only person I really knew there and J didn’t seem to want to be around me. Eventually it got dark enough out to watch the movie that they were going to project on the side of J’s house (yeah, that’s where the party was, J’s house 🙂 ). J was busy setting up and everyone else was settling down in pairs, since most everyone there was a couple. So I sit next to H where I’ll at least have someone to talk to for a bit. And I asked, I was like, this spots not reserved for anyone is it? She said no so I sat down and we were talking and then J sort of shouted over, Oh its fine H I’ll sit somewhere else. I was just like, ok the rest of the night is pretty much going to suck because I had to move up in the front where I couldn’t talk to anyone, nor could I text. So I ended up just leaving on the pretext that I didn’t want my mom waiting up all night for me.

I was flattered that someone was jealous of ME (believe me, this is the first time it’s ever happened) but it was still annoying that it got in the way of my evening. And worse still that it was actually over a girl haha. Like honestly, this guy has noooo reason to be jealous, lol. H and I will never be more than friends. We’ve never so much as even shaken hands before.

That was really the only thing that was worth mentioning. Tonight my mom and I got in another argument because we were finally going to put the screen up for the bathroom and she started doing something else right in the middle of when we were working. I was annoyed, and then she got mad at me because I was giving her attitude for not helping me just finish the thing we’d started. I literally had to sit down and wait for her to be finished with her thing before she’d come back to help me finish something we’d started together. And she’s mad at me because I couldn’t do anything without her. I told her, I can’t do anything without you because no matter what it’s going to be wrong so I need you to come and help me with a project we’re both a part of. It’s just frustrating that we can’t ever do anything together because for some reason she can’t just help me. She said, well now I’m done so I can give you my undivided attention, like I was a bad person for thinking her full attention was needed when it definitely was. I was asking for guidance and help with something and I was berated for it. It honestly makes me ask myself why I even bother with anything. I haven’t done any yard work in… almost since I last posted. The hill side has gone back to weeds. I’m stuck as to what to do next when nothing I do is right.

And that, my friends, is the end to my rant. I think I’ll be opening the bees tomorrow though so watch out for a post about them on my other blog!

Yesterday my aunt came over at 10 to oversee the plumber. He said we didn’t need to fix the piping to the house and should just wait until there’s a leak. Two nights ago I crawled under the house to look for where the piping comes in, but couldn’t find it, and neither could the plumber when he looked yesterday. Even though he thinks we don’t need to replace the pipe he’s still going to give us an estimate, which is nice.
After he left my aunt took me to Lowes and we got two bags of concrete and a box of U nails (I think that’s what they’re called). She helped me set up the posts and to mix the concrete and all that stuff. Here’s what we got done.

Hopefully today I can hammer on the screen (though we have yet to buy it) and plant the honeysuckle. Which is blooming again. My aunt was only over for a couple hours, then she and my sister and my cousin spent the day looking for feathers in craft stores to put in their hair.

After my sister left I started pruning the rhodi’s out in front. Two days ago F and I started planning on making stepping stones for my mom for Christmas. Yesterday he called me over, since he’d just finished making the mould for it. He had some extra bags of concrete sitting around, so we used one of them to fill the mould. He had a few big rubber leaves to press into the cement, so we used one of those as decoration. F said it should only take 12 hours to dry, but since it rained last night the concretes still pretty wet. Once it’s dry I’ll take a picture.

I finished pruning the rhodi’s in front once the concrete was poured. I just pruned them up about a foot and a half so you can see under them from the street. S is worried that someone might decide to sleep under them, since there’s a bit of dry space right up next to the house. So I pruned them all up so you can see there now, which will also help the plumber when he comes back to look for the pipe/ to replace the pipe. And then I opened the bees and then my mom came home.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult for my mom and me to have a conversation together, but almost without fail every time we start to have one we get in a fight. We went to get teriyaki to get some for everyone and take it over to my aunts, and while we were waiting we were talking about what type of a pathway we wanted behind the screen in front of the bathroom. I was telling her about a mold I saw (which my aunt has) at Lowes, where you just pour a bag of concrete into it and it makes a bunch of rocks. I was talking excitedly about it, which for some reason freaked my mom out. She was just being weird. Ever time I get excited about something she gets mad and tries to cut me down. I talked over her a few times because I was excited about this new project, and that set her off. She was sure I was arguing with her and didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. And because I didn’t believe her when she said that the mold I saw at Lowes (which looks like it makes a bunch of smaller rocks) keeps all the rocks connected she got pissed.

It’s really annoying to talk to someone who puts you down every time you show genuine enthusiasm about something and try to be involved in a process involving them. So we spent the next hour not saying a word to each other, even when we went to my aunts to eat. Once we were done we came home and she went straight to her room and shut the door, which usually means she’s pretty depressed. And to be honest, I don’t feel responsible or at fault for that. I feel like she was being “shitty” with me, instead of the other way around (she said that to me while we were waiting for our food which ended our conversation). And this morning, I hadn’t been up for five minutes before she was being rude to me because I’d folded her laundry but I hadn’t put it away for her.

Last night my sister and I were talking and my sister commented on how my mom’s always “bitching” at me. No matter how much I do around the yard it’s never really enough. Sure, she’ll say thank you and smile at most of what I’ve done, but she’ll say how bad  different part of the yard looks right after. I’ve spent hours working in the yard this summer, and have filled dozens of yard waste bins collectively. It still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. So at this point I’m pretty much done with it all. I may have to go through my mom before I can do anything around here, but as long as it looks good to me then that’s all I’m going to care about. Because it’s never going to look good enough for her so I’m not going to bother to try. And it looks like I’m going to have to be very cold about it all because I wouldn’t want to upset her by looking like I care about anything. *sigh* I don’t understand her.

Oh and here’s a picture of a bird that flew into the house and somehow made it back to my mom’s room. My sister saw it and came running out of the house to tell me it was there.

My aunt was just about to leave when my sister saw it, so she and I went in to get it out. My aunt caught it and said it was still pretty young because it had some of its soft fluff feathers on it still. My mom said it was a sparrow. And yes, it is standing next to a Harry Potter lamp.

I went to bed incredibly early last night. I was asleep a little after 9. That hasn’t happened in years. I got a full nights sleep- 9 whole hours. When I woke up, I did the norm and got into the shower. Where all of the sudden, out of no where, I started thinking about getting a beehive again. I’ve been having this weird thing lately where if I start thinking about something out of the blue like that, it happens. For instance, a few days ago I started thinking about this guy who was in fifth grade with me. He was in my class until 8th grade. He went to a different high school for sports reasons. Guess who was at my school today? I hadn’t seen or thought or heard about him in two years and he randomly pops into my head and then a few days later he shows up at my school. And then today once I got home. I came home and watched Weeds and wouldn’t you know it, they had a honey bee infestation. If that’s a sign I don’t know what is. I had been thinking about asking my mom this morning but figured it’d be better to ask her once I got home. I guess the universe didn’t want me to forget.

I had to go to the bathroom so I paused the show and went. While in the bathroom I had this funny feeling that my sister would be inside in a few minutes. I finish with the bathroom and go and sit down and who walks up to the back door? My sister and her friend. Coincidence? Anyway, I went outside after that. I ate a few strawberries, the normal sized ones are starting to ripen, and half a dozen raspberries. I spent about an hour talking with S. I weeded. I pruned. I took a few pictures; take a look.

The currents are coming in nicely. My aunt has the same type (I think) so hopefully we can combine ours and hers and make some jelly. I’m super excited for it!

These are really cute flowers’ you just have to get really close to see them. I’m pretty sure it’s called something like ‘Star Flower’ but I’m not 100% on that. It’s supposed to be a ground cover but it’s taking forever to grow. We should’ve bought a larger patch of it. The sold about a square foot for $40. And I have about that much room that needs to be filled.

I don’t know what these are called but they have a pleasant smell and are really cute. They’re tucked up by the fence in a corner behind a tall bush so I only really saw them today. Their vibrant color caught my eye while I was walking up the steps. Aren’t they fun?

But annnnyways; back to the bees. I asked my mom once she got home, and she gave her normal response; not until you get your license. But you know what? I’m tired of that. I’ve waited over FOUR years for a hive. My mom told me that we couldn’t get one before the move because she didn’t want to hassle with moving the hive. That’s completely understandable. But we’ve moved now. And while I was waiting I got older. So her reason changed from ‘not until we move’ to ‘not until you get your license’. I can’t tell you how aggravating that is. I have WAITED for a hive. I spent MONTHS researching how to take care of them and what to do if they get sick and how to keep them healthy and what kinds of flowers they like. Clearly I’m committed to it. Rarely do I have ‘lets do it super crazy NOW’ moments. If I want to do something it usually sticks. I’ve been in love with plants since I was little. To the point where I don’t even remember where my obsession started. I found out at my cousins wedding that I used to force my cousin and my sister to pretend we lived in the forest whenever we played house.

So I truly do NOT understand why it is that I’m not allowed to get a beehive. My sister decided months ago she wanted her name painted on her wall. I have yet to see her make any effort to get that completed. My mom had to be the one to start the painting. And one of the reasons she tried to use for not getting a bee hive was that I wasn’t going to take care of it and she was going to have to do it. I don’t get it! Why is my sister so fantastically amazing that my parents are practically tripping over themselves to get things done for her, but when I ask for something it’s not a possibility. Maybe if I ran around screaming about how I was going to kill myself things would get done. I can’t even explain how much I don’t understand this situation. I’m a good kid, the neighbors like me, I hardly ever get into trouble, I don’t go out and start fights with random people (like my sister tonight at Jack and the Box). All I do is go to school, come home, and garden. I don’t ask for much, and when I do ask for something it’s usually something that’s an investment in the house or the yard.

Getting a beehive isn’t quite an investment in the house, but we’re going to get honey out of it and the flowers in the yard will all be pollinated. But putting in a pond adds value to the yard. And a grape arbor. And fig and plum trees. But am I allowed to do any of those things? No. It’s really not that much money when you think about it. All we need to do is spend a couple bucks on a pond liner, dig a hole, and fill it with water. The arbor is a bit pricier but we already have a bunch of wood lying around on the other side of the house. anyway. Back to the bees. I asked my mom about them and she said no. Which made me a little depressed an very annoyed. She started talking about how the dishes weren’t done and the floor needed to be swept and how I never mow the lawn. So I pretty much was quiet for about half an hour. I said a few things here and there, and I’m really surprised how level my voice was even though I was furious.

Eventually my mom started talking about my sister. Which really was the wrong thing to say then because it pretty much confirmed everything I was thinking. And pissed me off more. I’ve never sworn at my mother, I’ve never yelled at her, but that was really close to setting me off. If she had said anymore about it (I wouldn’t say anything so she gave up) I would’ve cussed her out. And we were outside and my neighbor’s door was open. And I really couldn’t’ve given two fucks about any of it.

**********two hours later**********

I had a very lengthy conversation with my mom. We talked about some of the issues that have been creating the tensions between me and her. It mostly made me sound like a jealous little kid, which I found annoying, but I couldn’t seem to phrase it any other way. After that whole thing though, she said that if we mapped out the prices, I could possibly get a beehive. She’s been saying that for years and I gave her estimates (exactly what she’s asking for) but she hasn’t come to a conclusion yet. So I don’t know how this is going to be any different. At any rate, I’ll have a lengthy list, and several emails between B the bee guy and I to show exactly how much everything is going to be. It’s just annoying because I’ve missed the bee season this year. All the bees are in hives already; I basically have to wait until next year. It’s an unfortunate pain, but I suppose I can manage. However, if after all of it my mom still says no, I’m done. I’m GOING to get a beehive one way or another. I’ll ask my neighbors if I can use their credit cards, and if that doesn’t work I’ll go to my dad who will love to do it because it’ll piss off my mom.

I felt bad telling my mom how I felt. She clearly feels very similar to how I’m feeling. She practically said it outright. And if she didn’t mean for me to know then she must not know how much I read into things. H wrote a poem today as part of an LA assignment and it was about her being raped as a kid. I felt so bad reading it (even though she let me and I did nothing wrong). It was just so raw and heart breaking. And it explains SO much about her. I wanted to give her a hug, but I know that wouldn’t help and I know I hate it when people do that to me. Oh and what I was getting at with this example is that I’m pretty sure others wouldn’t’ve come to the same conclusion. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. My mom is desperate to have some personal time. She NEVER gets to do anything she wants to do. Its all about doing something with my sister or me. We share interests but that’s all it is. A shared interest. We don’t go on outings because it’s somewhere my mom wanted to go. Or if she wanted to go there it’s because she thinks we’d like it. She never gets to do anything for herself when she’s home. She cooks, she cleans, and then she goes to sleep.

I suppose this summer I’ll help out more. I can’t stand doing house work. All of my efforts go into the outdoors. Ask me to do anything outdoorsy and it’ll be done. I even go out and scoop the yard if threatened with house work. 

I did tell my mom I didn’t care what my sister did anymore though. And that I didn’t want her talking about my sisters drama anymore. Which is why I felt bad because now she has to sensor a lot of what she says. And because I can get away from it easier than she can. She’s stuck with my sisters crap because she’s the mom. She can’t talk about my dad around my sister and she can’t talk about my sister around me. Who is she going to talk to? I swear, my mom is the only person I ever feel guilty about. Maybe it’s because I know I’ll always talk to her. I don’t care about hurting my sister because I’m not so sure we’ll always talk. And she’s selfish so I might as well be selfish when it comes to her too. It’s only fair.