Category: Friends

The summer has been going really well so far. I love interning at the garden. Sid and I have become good friends, and I love getting to talk to all sorts of new people on a daily basis. My social anxiety doesn’t seem to effect me very much when I’m working, which is a blessing. Saturdays I’m in the garden from 8-2, and I talk to well over a hundred people during that time. Falaah, the garden coordinator (and the only person paid to be there), lets me bring my beekeeping stuff on saturdays and have my own table to talk to people. I explain the inner workings of the hive to anyone who’s interested, and try to encourage people to plant more flowers for pollinators. I showed off for some kids once and pet a bumblebee, since their mom told me that their dad has been teaching the kids that all insects are bad, and sprays them with pesticide while they’re on his plants regularly. They liked the bumblebee demonstration a lot, and apparently have asked to come and see me specifically more than once.

Right now we’re doing a summer camp for kids ages 3-5 on Wednesday mornings. I’m in charge of the “Nature Play” area, and have the kids play in a teepee we made using bamboo sticks and tarp. They get to play with pine cones and dig in the dirt to find millepedes, ants and worms. Yesterday we also had a group of 25 kids ages 5-10 after the summer camp. It was fun but exhausting. Sid and I stayed for the normal 5-8 volunteer session as well, so he and I worked 11 hours yesterday. It was draining but fun. During the normal work party time he and I collected branches from the woods behind the barn and all but finished the hugelkultur we’re trying to make. Its basically wood that’s half buried under the ground, and then greens and compost are mounded on top of that to make a raised bed about 5 feet tall. See here for a full explanation of a hugelkultur:

I’m currently exhausted from yesterday’s long hours, so I’m spending today on my back patio enjoying the bees. We have a patch of succulents that has been covered in bumblebees for the last week. There’s more of them this year than there’s ever been I think, which I’m excited about. I’ve taken some borage from Pickering Barn, which is a big pollinator attractor. Hopefully next year we’ll have lots of it, because with this many bees around I feel responsible feeding them. My mom and I have already argued about the clover in the front lawn at least a dozen times this year, haha.

Life Sucks At 19

I came to realize today that my only friend is Amber. M and I have all but completely stopped talking since she started dating K three months ago. Her work schedule changed, so that she goes to work an hour after I leave school, so we never have time to hang out. And if we do, she always brings K along. So I guess its not that we’re not friends any more, its just that we never see or speak to each other. We had plans to go to the tulip festival today, which I’ve wanted to do for upwards of three years now, but M decided she was too tired and because there was a chance of rain it wasn’t worth going. Naturally I had canceled family plans so we could go on her day off (which she actually ended up working anyway), so I got to feel guilty about that without anything to show for it.

I’ve been horribly depressed- well, all year actually; as we’re going into our 5th month now. I’ve always hated the number 19; its funny that this has actually been the worst year of my life I think. I don’t remember ever feeling this terrible. I’m to the point where if I get too depressed I actually get a piercing migraine. It feels like something is crushing the two halves of my brain together. Perhaps its just trying to implode.

Let’s see. I hate school. I haven’t learned a single thing in my Economics of Sustainability course, and we’re three chapters behind. My plant ID course is fun, but gets less fun with each field trip because the two girls I’m friends with, A and K (who were in my group last quarter in Bite Me 2.0, that food sustainability course I took), both constantly talk about doing drugs. A is a recovering alcoholic, who’s rather slutty and does all kinds of drugs. K is an alcoholic who also does lots of drugs. I like A well enough, because I can forgive her past, but then she’ll talk about how she’s going to do this drug or that drug, and she and K will talk about what drugs go best together, and I find all of that foolishness to be wholly repulsive. Which makes carpooling with them and hiking with them very difficult. They call me boring because the hardest thing I drink is coffee, and only rarely drink it. There’s going to be two camping trips the class takes to eastern Washington this year. Drinking is permitted for both of them (our teacher will drink as well), so I think I’ll be skipping them. I’m not going to go spend the night with A and K while they’re drunk. A is already talking about what kind of drugs she’ll bring. These two are 22 and 24 mind.

Math is the only class I don’t completely hate, but I come close to having a melt down in it almost every day. I’m not even sure why. The kids are all fine, the teacher is funny, I understand the material. Regardless I get close to tears more often than not, and have had to keep myself from running out of class at least a half dozen times.

I’m falling apart. Slowly but surely. At first I wanted to take down the walls I’d put in place ages ago, in an effort to try and get better. Now I feel like I’ve locked myself in a very small room in the middle of an elaborate mansion, and every so often I’m able to walk out of that small room I’m surrounded by dozens of doors which all lead to rooms full of even more misery. I mediated and managed to open one once I think. But my mom came home and I had to rush back to my very small room. It’s a prison and a haven, but more of a prison than anything. I only have to deal with people a few hours a day, but I can never escape myself. I often envision myself beating against the door. I’ve never seen a handle on it; it just opens on its own sometimes.

My family and I have all but completely stopped speaking to each other since I told my mom off. The people I talk to most now are my neighbors and my internship boss. I love my internship. Its such fun. I never go knowing what to expect, so the whole day is kind of done flying by the seat of my pants. I love F, the leader/coordinator of the garden. She’s as chaotic as I am, so we get along wonderfully. I only get to go on wednesday evenings and saturdays though (saturdays rarely, but much more consistently after may 11th). This summer should be great though! I’ll probably spend most of my time there I think.

Oh and I’ve almost finished Supernatural. I sold my soul to that show ages ago, and I’m a quarter of the way through season 8!

Depression, It Never Ends

I’ve gotten rather depressed again. For the last 4 or 5 days I was a ‘new’ kind of depressed, where I seemed to have no emotion at all. I felt like a zombie. There was… just… nothing. I had no real emotions, nothing more pressing than eating to act on, and I slept as often as I could. If I wasn’t sleeping I was just laying in bed and staring into oblivion. Yesterday I made a huge effort to force myself out of that and went to a volunteer meeting thing with a couple friends from class. I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but a few weeks ago I volunteered for a few hours collecting signatures to try and gain the support of state representatives so that we can get initiative 522 (the labeling of genetically engineered foods) passed this coming november. It was really fun last time I went, and I knew I would have fun this time, even though it wasn’t the same kind of thing at all, but I did end up going. The three of us had a good time and mostly just goofed around for about three hours. The meeting was entirely pointless as far as I was concerned, but the time with friends was crucial I think.

M and I went out to lunch today. We hardly talk any more. Ever since she found this boyfriend of hers, K, she hardly speaks to me at all. And despite her promise to not be one of those girls who brings her boyfriend along to everything, every single time we’ve talked about hanging out she has mentioned bringing him along. I’ve only hung out with her twice without him (three times counting today). He’s nice enough. I can’t tell if I’d get along with him better if he wasn’t constantly being forced on me. M is greatly concerned with whether I like him or not, but to be honest I don’t really know how I feel. I’m remaining distant at this point because talking to her any more exhausts me, and I’m sick of having to be interested in K. He met her dad this weekend. I’ve been friends with her since the 6th grade, and I haven’t even met her dad (her parents are divorced and he lives out of the state, but still).

I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and what very little motivation I had for life is gone again. I have a huge pile of homework to do, and I’ve continued to put it off for far too long. There are only two weeks left in the quarter. I just don’t know what to do with myself. And more importantly, I don’t seem to care. The only person I would talk to about this kind of stuff is M, and she’s too busy with work and K to talk to me. She works until 10 usually, and he goes home with her (they both work at the Y together) and doesn’t leave until 5am, if at all. Which means she’s too tired to talk to me during the day, or too distracted to talk to me at our usual 11-1 am time after work. I’m alone again. I haven’t been truly alone in, well, over a year now. I’d forgotten what it was like. Sure, I have friends, but don’t share that same deep connection with any of them like I did with M. And the real trouble is that its made me realize that I really am not an important piece in her life. I will always be a friend, and never family. I’m not mad at her at all. This isn’t her fault. She’s wanted a boyfriend/husband and children for longer than we’ve been friends, and I can’t blame her for being whole-heartedly excited when that’s finally come into her life. She and K have been dating for just over a month now, and everyone that works with them is talking about marriage. I do too, just to try and show how happy I am for her, even though I don’t really mean any of it.

I say how cute they are together, and how they’ll be married by August (she’s always wanted an August wedding), and the jokes they’ll have to play on their kids. K’s 22 and owns several acres in Idaho, which M has been to see already, and she thinks its gorgeous out there. She jokes that if they get married I’ll have to come and live out there with them. I hope I wasn’t too obvious about being completely against that idea. I don’t ever intend on leaving Western Washington. And if I do, the only place I can even imagine going is to the UK. And even then. I am not a city dweller I don’t think.

I feel so useless. I just want to be needed again, even if it is only by one person. I don’t feel needed at all at the moment. No one’s world would stop spinning if I suddenly wasn’t here. Not that I’m seriously contemplating suicide. I haven’t got the strength for that at all. It requires far too much planning and work. I have written out a suicide note or two in my head, just to organize my thoughts into how I feel about the people around me. Trying to summarize your feelings for someone in a short letter really makes you evaluate your relationship with them I think. And then who all would I write to? My mother, my sister (if only to tell her to stop being so incredibly stupid in everything she does), M, my neighbors, my aunts… I suppose my cousin would deserve one too. She and I always got along best, because she was a book worm like I was for many years. Oh and Amber of course! I couldn’t forget my dearest Amber. Fortunately those 7 letters are far too many to write, and I can’t be bothered to write a summary of the book I just read, so writing out all the nonsense I think of those people would be far too much. Its so much easier to just lie in bed and not think about anything. To have a perfectly empty mind. *sigh*

Alright. Its late and I really haven’t finished my summary/response to this reading that’s due tomorrow yet, so I’m going to sign off now. I’ll talk to all again soon. Though hopefully not too soon. I seem to only post in my most desperate of times I feel like any more.

Oh, and this is my 777’th post! How exciting!

Being Noticed

I spent most of my day doing nothing. I got the majority of the house vacuumed, and did a water change for my fish tank. I had plans to have dinner with my neighbor, J, at six, but got there a little later than I was supposed to. When I arrived she had other guests over, and eventually we got on the topic of eco0friendly structures. It was a family of three, a mother and father and their daughter, who was especially shy with me. Children are almost always shy around me, so I take very little notice anymore. Except maybe to make a funny face at them suddenly when they think I’m not looking. As they were leaving the little girls mother wanted to clarify that her little girl, and when I say little I mean 5ish, had recently begun to notice boys. Especially handsome boys, which is why she was so shy around me. I was very surprised to hear this, because I don’t find myself appealing at all, and found it odd that both of these people found me attractive. The mom then asked her daughter: “he looks like Flynn Rider [from Disney’s Tangled], huh?”, to which the little girl replied yes, and then further buried her face into her mothers coat.

I was more surprised by this than the first comment about my looks, as I find Flynn Rider to be rather dashing, and found it bizarre that this woman was making the same connection as her daughter. I found it hugely flattering, quite honestly. Of course, I don’t see where they get the idea at all, but after bringing it up with my neighbor (and showing her a picture of Flynn, as she didn’t know who he was), she said that I was more handsome than he was. Older women are the only ones to ever notice or compliment my looks, so I haven’t really ever taken compliments like that seriously, but for some reason the fact that this little girl had agreed with the idea made it seem much more true. Because children never lie, haha. No, but children are extremely honest in their opinions, and they have a way of getting to the truth of things quite quickly. I don’t know… for whatever reason, this silly little compliment has made me feel… nice. I feel as though I’ve been noticed I guess.

After having dinner with my neighbor, we decided to go see The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I went to the night before with M and her boyfriend. Needless to say, its a wonderful movie. I loved all the acting, the characters, the actors… it was extremely well done I think. I’m definitely going to have to read the book.

J and I went straight back to her house after the movie, where her roommate had just gotten home from a friends house. We spent a bit of time talking about what I’d look like with a bit of hair on my chin like Flynn Rider has. I’ve gone a few days without shaving before, and then shaved so that I can see what it would look like if I actually had that little bit of scruff there, and its probably the only way I’d wear facial hair at the moment. I’d have to get a haircut first of course, but if I was going to have any kind of facial hair, thats what I would have I think. Especially since I would be able to fiddle with it and look even more reflective than I currently do, haha. Ah well, we’ll save that for another day I suppose. Now that I’ve brought it up though, both J’s are pushing me to actually grow a little beard like that so they can see what it looks like and decide if that’s really what I should do. I’ll have to wait until the weekend to show them I think, cause I’m not interested in walking around campus with a darkening patch of fur on my face. The other trouble is, I don’t have a fancy shaving kit, so maintenance would be rather difficult.

I’ll let you go now, as I’m going hiking with J (the roommate, not the neighbor) tomorrow at 10:30, and it’s 2:33 am currently. Time for sleep I think. Oh, but a cup of tea sounds lovely…

Emotional Breakdowns Are Us

I’ve just had an emotional breakdown. M and I have been drifting apart for weeks, and this, compounded with her budding new relationship with her first boyfriend (who’s real name is K but whom I always call Alan), the stress caused by my dying fish, my lack of motivation for school and for life, Sam’s now day to day degeneration, the stress my sister causes, and my lack of perceived worth in my house, has caused me to all but completely give up on life. Which, in all honestly, is basically what I’ve done. First and foremost on the above list is my relationship with M. We used to be closer than close, and now her work hours and my school hours prevent us from spending any time together. She also has started dating a guy from work, who seems to be quite perfect for her. Its completely unfair of me to feel any kind of resentment towards this, but unfortunately I am, and slightly jealous as well I suppose. She and I have been lost together for most of our friendship, but now she’s found someone, and I’m just lost on my own. But its completely unfair of me to place any kind of blame on her, or any kind of anything, because I don’t resent her for this at all, and I am glad that she’s found someone. I’m just not happy that I’m back to (perceivably) alone in the world. I really only have M to talk to anymore. J (classmate, daily carpool buddy, went to japan together, etc) and I barely talk, even though we see each other every weekday morning. J (neighbors roommate) hasn’t been around in weeks because of family troubles, and will be leaving in a few months to go nanny in Spain. Those two are my closest friends, save M.

My winning personality and general love of new things have also been a great help in making new friends (that’s sarcasm). I’ve grown to be quite introverted over the last couple months, to the point that I now hate crowds outright, and talking to people I don’t know is almost painful. I used to know when someone I would get along with well or not was around, just by looking, but I only found those people on rare occasion, and came to just assume no one would get along with me. And when I say ‘get along’ I mean that we would be friends for more than just the quarter we were in class together. I grew to dislike everyone, because I didn’t think is perfectly compatible. I’ve been trying to come back out of my shell these last few weeks, with this food sustainability course I’m taking, and I have made a new friend. We aren’t perfectly compatible, but we did go to the seattle aquarium today. It wasn’t as stress free as it could’ve been, but it was fun. I think I got to a point where I was trying so hard to avoid stress that I completely shut everything/everyone else out. Which is something I’ve felt I would need to do for years before I would be able to properly change. I have such hard time asking for help, especially when it comes to personal problems. I feel like if there was anyone who really cared they would be able to take a look at me and see exactly what needed doing and would step in and fix it. Obviously no one has, or I wouldn’t be such a mess, haha.

Anyway, I finally just broke down and texted M tonight to tell her that I felt like something weird was going on between us, and I was ready for it to be done. She said she had noticed it too (but my guess is that her new boyfriend has been a sufficient enough distraction that she didn’t really look into it like I have), and was glad I brought it up. My response was “lol, blunt is what I’m known for dear. I love to watch the politics of friendship on TV, but find it irritating in my own life. Its like dancing, or sex. Its pretty to watch, but when I’m required to do it I look like an oaf.” The only funny part of the conversation unfortunately. She asked if her new relationship had anything to do with it, to which I replied with a half-truth. I said that if it “was making an impact i couldn’t say how exactly. And I wouldn’t ask you to do anything differently anyway because that wouldn’t be fair of me at all.” Because she truly hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’, like talking about him non-stop or forcing him on me/inviting him to every single thing we do. Well, she actually has done that, but only because our time schedules work out that we all have free time at the same time. And we’ve only had three times that we’ve gotten together in the last month.

Blah. I think I’m done blogging about this for now. I’ve addressed the subject with her, and spent the last hour writing this out, and feel a lot better. Now its time to go and finish this three page essay I have due tomorrow (technically later today) because its the first essay of the quarter, and I have no idea how to do it. Its a personal essay on our relationship with food.

Fish Are Friends, Not Food

I have an essay due tomorrow. Naturally this means I am doing everything possible to avoid writing it. Its some stupid two page thing examining the kinship chart we made of our chosen classmates family, and how everyone is related, even though we have already been required to draw a diagram depicting all of this. I’m not big on doing things that are unnecessary and repetitive, so I’m basically just going to wait until I’m so tired I HAVE to get it done quickly so I can sleep. This is how I wrote some of my best essays in high school.

I signed up for new courses today. I’ll be taking an 11 credit course called Bite Me 2.0: Food Security and Sustainability. It gives me credit for biology (for a lab credit, though I don’t need it) and a second year of english. I’ll also be taking an oceanography class online, which is 6 credits and also a lab. So I’ll be taking 17 credits next quarter, with 2 lab classes. I’m praying that it will be fun, because I do love labs, but I don’t know that oceanography is all that exciting. And after I get those 17 credits I’ll only need to take one more class (6 more credits) to get my associates degree. I don’t know that I realized that when I signed up for all these credits. I just wanted to take these classes, lol.

My fish are doing ok. The shrimp are a little annoying though. They’re supposed to find the area of the tank with the strongest current and filter feed there, but they only do this at night, when the goldfish are the least active. They’re foolishly afraid of them, despite the fact that the goldfish have never touched them. I bought them a water pump to increase water motion in the tank, and so far all it’s done is made the goldfish more active (which I’m not complaining about). I have several dozen antique marbles on top of the gravel in the tank, just to add color and diversity, and the female goldfish loves to dig through the gravel. So the marbles are constantly being buried by her digging endeavors, and the setting within the tank is changed constantly as a result. I rather like it. I’ll go in and dig up the marbles so they’re all on the surface again, which makes her a little mad because she can’t get at the gravel as easily and keeps her busy for the better part of the day. She also has to work a lot harder to stay vertical with the pump pushing so much water around, so I know she’s getting her exercise. The male just follows her around, and will help her attack a pebble if she needs help moving it, but he’s not anywhere near so interested in digging as she is.

The spots that I thought was Ick several weeks ago are still here. Every so often fuzzy buildup will appear on them, which makes me think that this could be Velvet instead. It’s very similar to Ick, only it isn’t as aggressive I don’t think. That said, the medicine I was using to treat them with last time said that it also treated velvet, and the spots are still here. The fish are more active than ever and the spots aren’t changing all that rapidly, so I think I’m not going to bother treating them. This means I won’t be able to get new fish, but oh well.

Unfortunately for all of you, my goldfish are currently the most exciting thing in my life. I rarely hang out with my “group” anymore, simply because all our schedules interfere with one another’s. M and I have been going to see L a lot in the last week or so, and I think part of that is because her mom told her she couldn’t go away to college until next fall. As much as I didn’t want it to, I really let the fact that she was leaving affect our friendship. I have trouble not immediately letting go of relationships when I know that there’s a definite point where they’ll virtually go away. M and I will always be great friends, but her going two states away would completely change the nature of our friendship for several years, and our “face” time would dwindle to nothing. Since she’s not leaving me next month, as she had planned to, I’m slowly forcing myself to talk to her more and more again. I know that sounds bad, but it’s totally a defense mechanism. I’ll be less affected if I distance myself from her before she leaves.

hmm, its 11:30. Do you suppose I’ll be able to write that essay now? I have to be up at 6:25 to be ready for school. Yay for not having sleep…