I finally have a chance to sit for long enough to properly collect my thoughts, and I figured it was time I wrote an update. This month has by far been the busiest month of my summer, and last week was my busiest week. I worked close to 60 hours last week and the week before, and haven’t had a day off since the first of the month. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted for several days last week, but now that the end of it all is in sight I’m feeling almost optimistic. In the midst of all of that work I found a place to live just five minutes from school. I get to share a 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom, house with 5 other people, and my room is 15×20. I had to go see the house one day after work, and the owner seemed very interesting. I still have to send him a check to cover my first month and deposit. I filled out the paperwork but don’t have the right sized envelope to fit everything in.
As work continues to slow down for me I’m starting to realize how much of my summer I completely wasted. I grew a few things in my garden, and my new rain garden is starting to look better. I just feel like I wasn’t home enough to play with my dogs. When I get home I’m too physically tired to want to go and play, and this year our lawn seems to have withered even more than usual so that it really is just sand in some places. I’m going to be off in a week, so I might try and get some compost to spread out on top of it. I was hoping to reseed it this year, but I’m not sure if I’ll have time. I hate lawns, but it really would be better than the sandpit we currently have. I just feel sorry for my dogs. They’re honestly the only reason I consider not going to school. Once I leave they pretty much won’t be played with at all. My mom never has the energy for them, and with winter coming up they won’t get to be outside much anyway.
All of these changes are starting to make me feel a kind of melancholy. I’m sad that things are moving me away from my dogs, and regret not getting them out of the house more. There were just some nights where I could barely get myself from my car to the house, let alone sit outside and play with them for a few hours to get them tired. I’m also a little nervous about what the future will bring me. I’ve never done anything so drastic before, but I’ve certainly never been more prepared to do this than I am now. I always told myself that 19 would be the hardest age for me. I made it a kind of ‘curse to be broken’ when I was younger. The impossible age. And it was. My depression and anxiety were at their highest, and most days I could barely function. There were few days I didn’t contemplate suicide, and spent most of my time thinking about how I might commit it. I told myself if I could get through that year then I could get through anything. This year has been easy by contrast, and my exhaustion is now from working hard instead of battling my inner demons. They still rear their ugly heads occasionally, but somehow they aren’t ever as scary as they were in years past. Now my biggest issue is doubt. I often hope for the best, but I’m always filled with doubts about the success of the future. And I’m always concerned about whether I’ll ever be good enough.
Even with the worst of my depression behind me, I still feel like there’s something wrong with me. There’s something lurking just around the corner in my brain, something I’ve always struggled with, but haven’t yet faced. I can’t figure out what it is, so I’m not sure what to do to fix it. I have started meditating maybe once or twice a month. Its a nice way to stay grounded during all of the chaos that my summer has been. I just feel uncertain. Lost, confused, overwhelmed, inexperienced. Like every part of me shifted an inch to the left while I was sleeping, and now I can’t find anything. And probably worst of all is that I don’t feel like I have the time to deal with any of it. I have the first week of september off. I think I’ll spend most of that time moving, but I’ll also have to do a lot of driving, and the silence of the car is as good a place as any to sort out ones immediate life I think.
Anyway, I have to go get ready for work now. I’m so tired of working. Starbucks has taught me a lot, and certainly worked wonders bringing me out of my shell, but the people I work with are starting to drive me insane. The ‘office drama’ is wearing me down, and with the end in sight I’m letting it get to me a little more than I should. I just need to learn to appreciate what I’ve got I think. My life hasn’t been easy, but things aren’t going horribly for a change, and the future certainly looks bright. And I suppose I really am grateful for that.