For lack of a better expression, I feel spiritually and emotionally constipated. Working at starbucks is not enjoyable at all for me. I can’t get past how much we waste on a daily basis. I’m the type of person who brings their own containers to restaurants for left overs. I avoid buying things I can’t recycle. If its biodegradable its probably being put in the worm bin at my house. So working in a place where several pounds of food is thrown out daily, and entire cans of whipped cream are sprayed down the drain (I literally had to do that today while we were closing the store and I had to do dishes), is extremely difficult for me. And its effecting my learning and performance abilities. I’m not able to remember anything for the drinks and I HATE it. It’s not that hard to remember how many pumps of syrup go into a tall carmel macchiato, but I can’t seem to freaking do it. Why?! Why can’t I remember how many pumps of syrup go into these stupid drinks?! Its not any special equation that requires hours and hours of practice, its a series of fucking numbers. If you have a tall drink then you get x number of pumps of syrup and y number of shots. But the grande and the vente? they both have different requirements. And I can’t remember them. It’s so unbelievably frustrating and I don’t know what to do to change it.

And I have no form of release for any of this frustration. I got together with Melanie today for the first time in over a week and was completely annoyed with her. We went to a starbucks near here house so I could use my 30% discount and she was rude to the baristas there. She’s going to Montana this weekend to interview with the state university there and is being the ridiculously cliche ‘dumb teenage girl’ and staying with her “first love”, who also goes to Montana U. Theres a whole obnoxious back story to all of it, but basically she fell in love with him and he was a cliche stupid boy and didn’t seem to realize or acknowledge it. She pushed him to make a decision and he ran away to school without resolving things. They stopped talking for a while, especially once Melanie got a boyfriend, but as soon as she dumped him this guy pops back into the picture almost overnight. I don’t even have the energy to pretend to care at this point, in all honesty. Coffee today with her was really difficult because we have absolutely nothing to talk about anymore. We don’t have any of the same friends, especially since the two of us only really have two other friends besides each other. Our work is completely different and unrelated, and we never see each other or hang out. Getting together anymore is forced and uncomfortable. I’m ready to be done pretending in that friendship, but I feel bad because we’ve been friends for so long. The good news is that she’ll be leaving for school in the fall, so we won’t really see each other at all after that.

But that’s something else that really bothers me. I’m excited that she’s leaving because I’m ready for this to be done. I’m not excited about working at all. The only thing that brings me any joy is gardening, and at this point I’m too tired to do it when I get home, or its too cold/wet out for it. My internship is still going really slowly because it’s so crumby out, so everything I enjoyed about it last year isn’t happening this year. I feel completely disconnected from everything I’m passionate about by working at Starbucks. But I need a job. I can’t just sit around the house all day like I’ve been doing. I have to do this work and I have to learn the drinks. I just need to find a way to reconcile that fact with myself and learn to move past it. Which seems impossible. 

I don’t know what to do.