I’ve decided to go back to college. I’m thinking I’ll go to Evergreen in the fall. I have nothing to do right now because I don’t qualify for any of the jobs that look interesting to me. Evergreen is a weird college, in that you don’t have to take specific classes to get your degree. You don’t even have to declare a major necessarily. If you want to declare a major, you take classes that relate to your field of study, and that’s kind of it. And its a pass-fail system. Either you pass the class and get all of the credits for it, or you fail and you get none.

Anyway, they have an environmental studies degree that looks interesting. And they would take half of the credits from my Associates in Arts and Sciences and apply it to my bachelors, so I could potentially have a bachelors in a year. Which would make job hunting a lot easier. I think its something like 98% of people with BAs have jobs in their chosen field. Part of the problem right now is that I don’t know exactly what I want to do. There hasn’t been a job listing that I’ve found that fully encompasses what I think I want. I like working outdoors. I could help restore areas of land that have been effected by construction by replanting trees. Or I could work in the water department for the city. As much as I hate people, I like knowing I’m helping others have access to resources. Water management isn’t really that exciting, but it would give me a sense of purpose I think.

For the most part I’ve just been sitting at home. We got rid of our leather couch on friday. We’ve had it for about 13 years. My cousin got a job in Oregon, working for some company or other to help build helicopters. I’m not quite sure of his title. I think the word “rotor” was in it. Anyway, he needed some furniture. He took the couch and an end table from our house, and a couch and a few other things from my aunts. The green couch that was in my room went downstairs to replace the leather one. Now that’s its being used we’ve realized how much it stinks. Its older than I am, and has seen more pets than I have. Its thread bare, and when we took the seat covers off to wash them we saw that the cushions themselves were badly stained (my mom thought it might be mold). We can’t afford to replace it, but I’m hoping we can just replace the cushions and wash the rest and that will be enough. We’ll also be making/buying a slip cover because we definitely need something washable with 4 dogs running around.

Oh and our housemate has given his one month notice. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him at all. Potentially…? He’s my sisters best friend from elementary school? Moved in a couple of months ago? Anyway, he’s decided to move out and live with he and my sisters other friend. They’re getting an apartment together and they’re both gonna go to school. He was a decent housemate, but I won’t lie and say i’ll miss him. I don’t like having so many people in the house. It makes things too crowded, and we have so much stuff that it’s hard to move around comfortably. I can’t tell you how glad I am to have that couch out of my room. I have miles of empty floor space to walk around in. And I rearranged my bookshelves so it’s not as cluttered looking as it used to be.

I’m getting bored with being at home all the time. I don’t like people but I also hate feeling like i’m not contributing to society. I’m also really sick of being so antisocial. I just have such a hard time relating to others. And I never have any idea what to say to people. Learning to not be so closed off is really what I need to be working on. I’ve been trying really hard to make more small talk with people. Its something that I hate doing, but if I don’t then I’m just stuck in silence. And In all honesty I’m perfectly fine with that, but I know other people hate it so I feel like I should make more of an effort. Ugh, why is being human such a difficult thing. I feel like an alien sometimes. I’m down to just 3 friends again. With the third “friend” being a rotation of about 3 people. Jordan and I talk all the time, but she often gets on my nerves and I sometimes wonder why we’re friends. We have very little in common. Amber is someone I still talk to regularly, but its pretty much only about TV shows (sherlock, supernatural, doctor who) or movies. Melanie is a part of the ‘rotating third friend’. We exchange a couple of texts every few weeks and thats about it. Any time we try to hang out she ends up canceling on me. Jessica is the second ‘rotating third friend’. She’s back from Spain, and I talk to her even less than Melanie. She and my mom and I went to a vietnamese vegetarian Buddhist dinner several weeks ago, but that was the last I’ve heard from her. And then I have a second friend named Amber who lives in the next town over. She and I actually share a few ideals in common, but for whatever reason we don’t talk hardly at all. I’ll get together with her every couple months and that’s it. Oh and Sid, the guy I intern with. I haven’t seen him in months. I’ll send him a funny thing if I find it online occasionally, but we don’t really talk at all beyond that.

I just need to stop being… myself. I don’t even know what it is that drives people away anymore. I’m not very funny, I’m smart but in a way that puts people off, I disagree with a lot of the things that people do, and I have trouble finding people with similar interests. I have zero gay people in my life. Amber (the one who lives nearby) is bi, but like I said I never see her. I feel like the black sheep in every setting. Part of the reason that I want to go to evergreen is because its such an open minded school, and because its known for its environmental department. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to find someone interesting to hang out with down there. And it’s only a year, so I won’t be trapped at school forever.

I should get a job. I just need to go and do a meaningless thing until the fall in an effort to save up some money to help pay for tuition. Which is about $20,000 a year.

I need to go to bed. I’m getting a headache. 

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