Today was my last day of school. I’m relieved its over, but am also panic stricken at the thought of now having to deal with real life. These last two weeks have been an absolute nightmare for me. I had an essay, a speech/group presentation, and a quiz all due within a day of one another. And they were all huge chunks of points. My essay was the final assignment for the quarter for my Communications class, and then the quiz was the last test of the quarter. I did really well on both of them thankfully. My group project for history was another story. Not that I didn’t do well! I got the second highest score in the class, with a 94/100. I worked harder on that project than anything else I’ve ever done. My other group mates weren’t doing anything, so I did all of the research myself and summarized it to be print out and put up on a poster board. I read through a whole book in 3 days and summarized it, with quotes and citations, for the 10 minute speech we were required to do. I spent hours upon hours working on it, and had 6 pages of notes for my speech. Come presentation day, the team member responsible for our poster board didn’t have it done. We had to move the presentation to the next day. My anxiety levels built up to astronomical levels; I’m amazed I was even able to make it through the speech the next day! I took 25 minutes to get through all my material, and somehow managed to get people to laugh a few times. I could barely see straight through the whole thing, and had to ask someone how long I had taken the next day because I couldn’t remember. 

I had 2 break downs this quarter (that I can remember), and I was on the verge of tears all day today. I was so burnt out from everything else this quarter I just did not have the energy to study for my final today. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t bring myself to study. My defense mechanisms had kicked in and my brain was trying to forget everything that was stressing me out. If you had asked me at noon today, I couldn’t have told you a single thing we learned this quarter. I went in and took my 25 question test in 15 minutes. I managed an 80, which was as good as I did on my midterm (which I had studied for). Keep in mind that means I only missed 5 questions.  And with the extra credit I did I was still able to maintain my A in the class. So between my history and communications classes I managed to get a 4.0, a first for me. All I feel like doing is crying. I’m so emotionally drained and overwhelmed at the same time. Yesterday I was still a “kid”, and today, all of the sudden, I’m an adult. I have to get a job, I have to face the world every day, I have to be truly productive for society. I graduated with the best grades I could possibly get this quarter, making my cumulative GPA something just above a B average. And it was so hard. It was impossibly hard. I’m a smart person, I think anyway, and this quarter was still incredibly hard. Facing my final today really was almost too much for me. I don’t know what it was about it that I couldn’t face, but it was mostly my lack of preparedness that immobilized me. And I think that became a metaphor for how unprepared I feel for the real world.

When I got home I made myself lunch and then I replied to some emails I had been ignoring for over a week because of the stress of school. One of them had information about a job application, from the Garden Coordinator at my internship. I’ll definitely apply for it. It’s too serendipitous not to. Tomorrow I have to run to the post office to get Amber’s christmas gift shipped to her, and then I’m meeting a friend for coffee. I also have to go in to see an orthodontic surgeon about getting my wisdom teeth removed. They’ve started to erupt and they’re hurting my jaw. This week is actually a full one for some reason. Wednesday I’m doing watercolors with my friend Melanie. I saw a thing on Tumblr from my childhood that reminded me of the fun of water painting, and decided I should do that just to be spontaneous. Thursday is the Office of Sustainability Movie Night, which several members of my family have decided to go to. I found 2 other beekeepers who were willing to answer questions with me. I hope I’ve calmed down enough by then to be relatively presentable to the public. And then Friday a friend is coming back from school and wanted to get coffee, so I’ll be spending an hour or two catching up with her. The 17th is when I’m getting my teeth pulled, and then pretty much from then until new years will be family time.

This year seems to have rushed by. I always knew it would be my hardest. I’ve never liked the number 19. It always seemed so uninteresting and in the way. This year really was my hardest year I think. I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide more this year than any other. But somehow I managed to make it through, and now I’ve finished! I’m the youngest person in my family to get an Associates Degree, and I like to think that counts for something.

If I could just have a good cry to get all of these emotions out at once I think I would feel a lot better about everything, haha.

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