I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. And it gave me hope in a time I desperately needed it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low in my life as I have these past few weeks. The last few days (week, perhaps even) I’ve been close to a nervous break. I walked around with tears in the corners of my eyes and spent most of today feeling as though I was bracing myself just to stay upright. I was at my internship at Pickering Barn. Nothing gives me hope like that place. But somehow, I knew when I woke up today, even that would not be enough for me. Saturdays have become my favorite day since I started working there some months ago. I love how the busyness of the garden makes me feel, and more than anything keeps me distracted from myself. Things managed to pick up toward the end of the day, and I was thankful to come home to an empty house. I watched My Neighbor Totoro, and cried about 4 times during the movie. Then my mom came home and I ate some dinner. I haven’t eaten much in the last few days. For at least three days even the thought of food was enough to bring me right to the edge of throwing up. I struggled to keep down meals, and my portions were greatly reduced. I skipped lunch on thursday. For some reason I was able to go back for a second helping of rice stir fry tonight after watching My Neighbor Totoro.
I’ve described how I envision the inner workings of my mind once before I think, so I hope you understand what I mean when I say I haven’t been able to leave my room (prison cell is more like it) in who knows how long. I used to be able to wander along the labyrinth of thought processes and peak in the rooms containing certain memories or opinions. I hadn’t been able to see more than the maddeningly blank brink wall through the window in my door for weeks though. I’ve had a headache for well over a month at this point. Something changed tonight though I think. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind gave me hope, in all the ways I needed it. My self confidence has been at a negative value for some time now. I have almost no faith left in humanity, and feel as though our entire planet is doomed because of the actions of our species. And perhaps most gratingly I have been struggling with accepting me for being me, which is something I thought I had done years ago. This movie tonight reminded me that there is still hope, even at the worst of the worst, and somehow gave me a golden droplet of self confidence and worth. Don’t ask me why, because I honestly couldn’t tell you. And analyzing it will only make me tear it all apart so that this movie becomes another bad thing in my life.
And more than anything, I had closed myself off to water.