I broke down and told M how I felt about everything these past few months. Instead of summarizing it for you I’m just going to copy over the text I sent her. Here it is:
“Ok, I’ve been uncertain of how to address this, but I’ve been feeling this way for weeks so I hope you’re prepared for some word vomit. I’m sure you’ve been waiting for something of this nature for a while now, haha.
We haven’t been talking to each other since you and K started dating. I knew you would be really exited about him so I consciously slowed my texting to give you more time with him, since I knew you’d only be thinking about him anyway. I knew in the end our friendship would be not anywhere near what it was, I just expected it to happen gradually, over the course of months/years, not almost over night like it did. Because in the end you’ll be married with kids, and we won’t be as close as we were last year, and I fully realize that. That said, I later began to assume that eventually the novelty of K would wear off and we would get back to being good friends again, even if not so good as before. But it didn’t. I even brought it up once, and said that we had drifted apart, over a month ago now I’m sure. I don’t think anything has really changed though.
I know you’ve noticed the distance between us, but I think with K and a full time job to distract you it hasn’t affected you like it’s effected me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I hope you realize that I’m not mad at you or K in anyway, I’m just sad that our friendship has fallen apart (in my perspective anyway) as much as it has. You’ve really only come to talk to me when you’ve had an issue with K these last 3 months. And I know you said you wouldn’t be ‘that girl who is constantly bringing her boyfriend along’ but I think we’ve hung out maybe 4 times without him, and that’s out of the dozen some odd times that we’ve seen each other at all.
I should’ve addressed this sooner, but talking to you has become more and more difficult for me. I don’t feel like I know you anymore, and the stress of that and the reminder that we aren’t what we once were makes me hate that I even feel this way. You’re the closest friend I’ve ever had (and really the only one i’ve got) and I feel like I lost you as soon as I found you.
And to make matters even worse I started getting depressed again around December, and have been struggling with that alone for months. My social anxiety has sky rocketed and watching Supernatural has been my way of coping with everything. I didn’t want to bother you because you’ve been so happy and I didn’t want to spoil that. I feel crappy for even sending you this.
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. For everything.”
We then spent the next couple hours texting back and forth, when I stopped crying enough to text anyway. I was a complete train wreck last night. I haven’t cried that hard in years, if ever really. I’m not sure if I feel better or not. It was kind of nice just to be a mess, but waking up and finding that my views on things hadn’t changed didn’t much help.
M was really gracious about all of it, and apologized for everything and tried to pin this all on herself. I feel terrible for making her think that way. I don’t blame her at all for the distance that’s come up between us. She has a full time job that is at complete opposites with my schedule, and has K to talk to day and night instead of me. She found someone she loves and she doesn’t need or have time for me anymore, as far as I’m concerned. She swears thats not the case at all, but I… I’m far too doubtful.
Today was better for me. I came close to spontaneously bursting into tears for no reason, but I was ok for the most part I think. Watching my garden is always calming.
It was so hot today. 82 was the predicted high, and tomorrow it will be 85. Its been warmer than usual the last few days, and should be well up in the 70s all week, with no chance of rain at all. This is July weather.
In other, completely unrelated news, I’ve decided to go to Spain at the end of August. My neighbor, J, has a nannying job that she’ll be doing over there, and invited me to go along. I was hesitant for a while, but my mom sort of pressured me into it I guess. And I really shouldn’t be going, given that my mom is potentially going to loose her job before the year is out. Its so draining to be your own parent all the time though, especially when the person who is actually your parent is the one encouraging you to make a foolish decision. Ugh. But whatever. I’m thinking that I may fly into London and spend a day or two there before taking the train over into France and making my way to Barcelona eventually. I may go see Italy for a day while I’m there too. I haven’t decided how long I’m going for just yet. Its gonna be at least two weeks.
Alright, I’ve rambled on enough. I just wanted to update you all on my life. In short, I’m suicidal, my best friend is wonderful, and I’m going to Barcelona at the end of summer.