I came to realize today that my only friend is Amber. M and I have all but completely stopped talking since she started dating K three months ago. Her work schedule changed, so that she goes to work an hour after I leave school, so we never have time to hang out. And if we do, she always brings K along. So I guess its not that we’re not friends any more, its just that we never see or speak to each other. We had plans to go to the tulip festival today, which I’ve wanted to do for upwards of three years now, but M decided she was too tired and because there was a chance of rain it wasn’t worth going. Naturally I had canceled family plans so we could go on her day off (which she actually ended up working anyway), so I got to feel guilty about that without anything to show for it.

I’ve been horribly depressed- well, all year actually; as we’re going into our 5th month now. I’ve always hated the number 19; its funny that this has actually been the worst year of my life I think. I don’t remember ever feeling this terrible. I’m to the point where if I get too depressed I actually get a piercing migraine. It feels like something is crushing the two halves of my brain together. Perhaps its just trying to implode.

Let’s see. I hate school. I haven’t learned a single thing in my Economics of Sustainability course, and we’re three chapters behind. My plant ID course is fun, but gets less fun with each field trip because the two girls I’m friends with, A and K (who were in my group last quarter in Bite Me 2.0, that food sustainability course I took), both constantly talk about doing drugs. A is a recovering alcoholic, who’s rather slutty and does all kinds of drugs. K is an alcoholic who also does lots of drugs. I like A well enough, because I can forgive her past, but then she’ll talk about how she’s going to do this drug or that drug, and she and K will talk about what drugs go best together, and I find all of that foolishness to be wholly repulsive. Which makes carpooling with them and hiking with them very difficult. They call me boring because the hardest thing I drink is coffee, and only rarely drink it. There’s going to be two camping trips the class takes to eastern Washington this year. Drinking is permitted for both of them (our teacher will drink as well), so I think I’ll be skipping them. I’m not going to go spend the night with A and K while they’re drunk. A is already talking about what kind of drugs she’ll bring. These two are 22 and 24 mind.

Math is the only class I don’t completely hate, but I come close to having a melt down in it almost every day. I’m not even sure why. The kids are all fine, the teacher is funny, I understand the material. Regardless I get close to tears more often than not, and have had to keep myself from running out of class at least a half dozen times.

I’m falling apart. Slowly but surely. At first I wanted to take down the walls I’d put in place ages ago, in an effort to try and get better. Now I feel like I’ve locked myself in a very small room in the middle of an elaborate mansion, and every so often I’m able to walk out of that small room I’m surrounded by dozens of doors which all lead to rooms full of even more misery. I mediated and managed to open one once I think. But my mom came home and I had to rush back to my very small room. It’s a prison and a haven, but more of a prison than anything. I only have to deal with people a few hours a day, but I can never escape myself. I often envision myself beating against the door. I’ve never seen a handle on it; it just opens on its own sometimes.

My family and I have all but completely stopped speaking to each other since I told my mom off. The people I talk to most now are my neighbors and my internship boss. I love my internship. Its such fun. I never go knowing what to expect, so the whole day is kind of done flying by the seat of my pants. I love F, the leader/coordinator of the garden. She’s as chaotic as I am, so we get along wonderfully. I only get to go on wednesday evenings and saturdays though (saturdays rarely, but much more consistently after may 11th). This summer should be great though! I’ll probably spend most of my time there I think.

Oh and I’ve almost finished Supernatural. I sold my soul to that show ages ago, and I’m a quarter of the way through season 8!

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