I’ve just had an emotional breakdown. M and I have been drifting apart for weeks, and this, compounded with her budding new relationship with her first boyfriend (who’s real name is K but whom I always call Alan), the stress caused by my dying fish, my lack of motivation for school and for life, Sam’s now day to day degeneration, the stress my sister causes, and my lack of perceived worth in my house, has caused me to all but completely give up on life. Which, in all honestly, is basically what I’ve done. First and foremost on the above list is my relationship with M. We used to be closer than close, and now her work hours and my school hours prevent us from spending any time together. She also has started dating a guy from work, who seems to be quite perfect for her. Its completely unfair of me to feel any kind of resentment towards this, but unfortunately I am, and slightly jealous as well I suppose. She and I have been lost together for most of our friendship, but now she’s found someone, and I’m just lost on my own. But its completely unfair of me to place any kind of blame on her, or any kind of anything, because I don’t resent her for this at all, and I am glad that she’s found someone. I’m just not happy that I’m back to (perceivably) alone in the world. I really only have M to talk to anymore. J (classmate, daily carpool buddy, went to japan together, etc) and I barely talk, even though we see each other every weekday morning. J (neighbors roommate) hasn’t been around in weeks because of family troubles, and will be leaving in a few months to go nanny in Spain. Those two are my closest friends, save M.

My winning personality and general love of new things have also been a great help in making new friends (that’s sarcasm). I’ve grown to be quite introverted over the last couple months, to the point that I now hate crowds outright, and talking to people I don’t know is almost painful. I used to know when someone I would get along with well or not was around, just by looking, but I only found those people on rare occasion, and came to just assume no one would get along with me. And when I say ‘get along’ I mean that we would be friends for more than just the quarter we were in class together. I grew to dislike everyone, because I didn’t think is perfectly compatible. I’ve been trying to come back out of my shell these last few weeks, with this food sustainability course I’m taking, and I have made a new friend. We aren’t perfectly compatible, but we did go to the seattle aquarium today. It wasn’t as stress free as it could’ve been, but it was fun. I think I got to a point where I was trying so hard to avoid stress that I completely shut everything/everyone else out. Which is something I’ve felt I would need to do for years before I would be able to properly change. I have such hard time asking for help, especially when it comes to personal problems. I feel like if there was anyone who really cared they would be able to take a look at me and see exactly what needed doing and would step in and fix it. Obviously no one has, or I wouldn’t be such a mess, haha.

Anyway, I finally just broke down and texted M tonight to tell her that I felt like something weird was going on between us, and I was ready for it to be done. She said she had noticed it too (but my guess is that her new boyfriend has been a sufficient enough distraction that she didn’t really look into it like I have), and was glad I brought it up. My response was “lol, blunt is what I’m known for dear. I love to watch the politics of friendship on TV, but find it irritating in my own life. Its like dancing, or sex. Its pretty to watch, but when I’m required to do it I look like an oaf.” The only funny part of the conversation unfortunately. She asked if her new relationship had anything to do with it, to which I replied with a half-truth. I said that if it “was making an impact i couldn’t say how exactly. And I wouldn’t ask you to do anything differently anyway because that wouldn’t be fair of me at all.” Because she truly hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’, like talking about him non-stop or forcing him on me/inviting him to every single thing we do. Well, she actually has done that, but only because our time schedules work out that we all have free time at the same time. And we’ve only had three times that we’ve gotten together in the last month.

Blah. I think I’m done blogging about this for now. I’ve addressed the subject with her, and spent the last hour writing this out, and feel a lot better. Now its time to go and finish this three page essay I have due tomorrow (technically later today) because its the first essay of the quarter, and I have no idea how to do it. Its a personal essay on our relationship with food.