I suppose it’s time I was up front about this. For over a year now I have suspected that I may have testicular cancer. I have done nothing about it until today because I have been suicidal for years, but never actually acted on the impulse. You have read some of my posts at my darkest times, which I did try to nicen up just so it was worth posting, and I think you would agree its been awhile since I was in a truly happy place. However, for whatever reason I have recently come out of this extreme depression for the last few weeks. Perhaps it’s that I finally just switched my brain off, and no longer think about any of the things I used to, things that really probably are important, but which I have never found an answer or solution to and which never brought me any form of happiness. Anyway. On Monday of this week I was at school (having a very difficult time of getting comfortably seated) and suddenly became almost violently nauseas. This has happened to me before, but it usually only occurs in the morning, when it’s been hours since my last meal and my stomach is horribly empty. I was with a friend at the time (J, whom I carpool with daily for school), and as the nausea went away she and I talked and laughed, and she joked that I was pregnant, and then told me this story about how a man had taken a pregnancy test, tested positive, and then went to the doctor to find he had testicular cancer. With this subject brought up on its own, I decided to look up the symptoms again, though I had looked them up before.

As the rest of the day continued I became more and more uncomfortable and irritable, and once I was finally home I ended up sleeping for a good two hours. I again checked cancer symptoms online, and after a self exam found I had a few small lumps and was a bit more sensitive than usual. Tuesday arrived and I decided I was too uncomfortable to go to school. My whole lower half had a dull ache to it, like one gets when one’s sick, and it felt as though a heavy weight was on my lower abdomen. I spent the day trying to get comfortable. I skipped Wednesday, and found a slight puffiness. Thursday was Thanksgiving so I didn’t have school then, nor did I have school today. I broke down and called the doctor to make an appointment for next Thursday because I’m tired of being unsure of what exactly the problem with me is. The doctor said I may have simply twisted the tubing that connects the testicle to the body, but that would cause excruciating pain, which I’m not experiencing, thankfully. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you all know what was going on. I’m no longer so insane… well, I suppose that’s not entirely accurate, but I’ve plucked up enough that I’m finally able to force myself to the doctor’s.

I had some hard lumps appear on my inner thighs last year, but not actually on my testicles, and they all went away within a few weeks. These could have easily been lymphnodes, which is what makes me think I’ve had this for about a year. Its supposed to be a very slow growing cancer, with a 99% survival rate for those who catch the cancer before it spreads outside the testes. I think I may be past that stage, if I do actually have cancer, because there seems to be a lot of tissue… elsewhere. And now that I’ve given you all the dirty details, I’m going to sleep because I’m exhausted. We had thanksgiving Friday instead of Thursday, and we’ll be having another thanksgiving tomorrow as well. My family is chaotic.