Since the return of my sister I-

Sorry, we seem to have a new ghost at my house. We haven’t had one in months, but this one loves to make the lightbulbs click. Its not a sound from the flipping of a switch; it originates within the bulbs themselves and is a once-made soft clicking noise. I’ve never heard this noise before, but the kitchen light is now usually where it comes from. It only happens when the lights are off. I’m upstairs in my room and just heard the kitchen light click. It was loud enough to be heard over the rain on my skylights, the motor of the filter on my fish tank, and the ticking of both of my clocks. I listened for a moment and then one of my light bulbs made the noise. There have also been unexplained bumping/thudding noises around the house. Always just a single tap though. Mostly in the dinning room or kitchen.

Anyway. Since my sister’s come-

Good lord. Apparently there’s an aid car at my neighbor’s neighbors right now. The sister of the man who shot himself. This woman has been known to have drunken panic attacks that have required an aid car to be called though, so that’s what my mom thinks it is. F has called an aid for her twice, once because he found her convulsing on her front lawn. She’s an extreme alcoholic. Her recycling consists almost entirely of wine bottles. How do I know you ask? We heard her take her recycling out this summer. Two houses away. It was all glass. F went over because her dog got out, and said the kitchen was full of wine bottles.

Alright, I’m going to attempt to write this post for a third time. Sister. Home. The first few days were awkward, but not so much anymore. We are basically back to how we used to be, but I’m much less involved/invested in her. We joke around, we talk about things we need to do on any given day, but emotionally I’m not invested in her. She has fallen right back in with her same old friends, and I’m not interested in it at all. I’ve basically cut my ‘at home’ time in half because I don’t really want to be around her. And my mother is twice as invested in her as she’s ever been in me. It’s honestly “your sister this, your sister that” whenever I talk to her, and so I’m avoiding her a little too. I know this may be selfish, but there’s really been no major effort to figure out how I’m feeling about any of this – not that I really even know at the moment. I haven’t sat down to process it. I haven’t sat down to process much of anything in a long time. I feel happier though. I’ve finally got a group of friends to hang out with, so if I need to I can leave and hang out with someone at a moments notice. I definitely feel like my maturity level has gone down though. I’ve lost something… but I couldn’t tell you what it was.

I basically unplug and go on autopilot whenever my mom talks to me. My answers are almost always one word long, and very little emotion goes into them. Both my mother and sister have joked about it, so I know they’ve noticed, but I don’t think either of them have stopped to consider why I respond that way. I just feel completely unimportant here. In my group of friends my personality is celebrated. Today I acted like one of my friends, to throw everyone off, and they said it freaked them out and that I needed to go back to acting like my normal aloof yet blatant self immediately. It wasn’t that I needed to stop acting like the other person, it was that I needed to act like myself that mattered to me. We all ended up having a heart to heart about our pasts, and all admitted to being depressed at one point or another. Though I definitely have them all beat, lol. I’m not sure why depression is something I’m comfortable joking with, but I think that it’s just become so much of who I am that poking fun at it is just like poking fun at any of my other traits. During our heart to heart I said, “Yeah, I struggle to find the will to get out of bed in the morning, or do simple tasks, and have been suicidal for years, lol. Its no big deal, haha.” Its to the point where I feel like I’m going to start getting better, simply because there’s no where else to go. I don’t know how I could feel any worse than I do already. Well, not right now. Right now I’m fine. I find my depression comes in waves. Sometimes its like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I struggle to find the energy to breathe. Other times I have completely normal days, at which point I become confused by the lack of depression.

To have this heart to heart today, I skipped class. I’ve been doing this A LOT this quarter. I’ve skipped at least one class at least once every week this quarter, which is completely unlike me. But I have an A in my Anthropology class, a C in Math, which is exactly what I want, and I’m assuming a B in Art Appreciation. I’ve been absent too many times to be getting full points for attendance/participation, even though I’m doing all my work. I end up having more fun if I skip, because my schedule is opposite half of my groups. It doesn’t help that my classes are dull and I’m not learning anything in them. And I haven’t had fun like this with friends… in a long long time. M and I have become distant, since she decided to go to school in Montana in the springtime. She’s leaving me in two months. We used to text constantly every day, and now we maybe send one or two texts here and there. We used to be a matched freaking set. We knew what the other was thinking at any given moment, we could finish each others sentences, we were the same person. I think the major thing that drove us apart, or at the very least put this distance between us, was the fact that we both went through an extremely difficult period of depression at the same time. A guy she had been basically dating (though it wasn’t official, [ -_- ]) didn’t want to have a long distance relationship with her while he was away at school. He broke her heart and didn’t even realize it. I don’t really know what put me in such a low state of being, but I do think that M’s low mood levels certainly effected my own.

We eventually came out of it, she much faster than I, and moved on. But it’s come to the point where we know everything about one another, and nothing new or exciting in life is happening for us to share. She’s leaving for school in two months, and in the mean time works evenings, when I’m off school. So even if we did want to hang out, we couldn’t. We’ve just grown apart I think. The worst part I think is that I saw it coming. I have a terrible knack of being able to predict the end of a friendship, and I noted ours going into decline months ago. There was nothing noticeable, nothing that would’ve been an obvious clue. Maybe one less text during the day, or a sentence less in a conversation, over the course of several days. I saw it coming though. And as much as I love M, I wasn’t going to try and stop this from happening. I saw the signs and remember acknowledging the moment I realized the friendship was in decline with a calm sort of respect. I was thankful for the times we had had together, sad that they were ending, but overall I was calm an accepting. I had finished a phase in my life. That said, M and I are practically soul mates, so I’m certain we will not fade entirely from one another’s lives. But the level of intimacy (and I use that word entirely for lack of a better one) we shared is gone, and I don’t see it ever returning. Which is fine I suppose.

Well now, I’ve typed your eyes off for long enough I think. Its definitely time for bed. Oh, and since halloween is tomorrow, I’ll tell you what I’m dressing up as. A beekeeper! I plan to go to school fully suited up. Driving to school should be fun too, lol.

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