Today was my first day of class. I’m taking (get ready for it) Math 141 daily, from 11:30 to 12:20. Anthropology Mondays and Wednesdays from 8:30 to 10:20, and Art Appreciation from 3:00 to 5:10 on Mondays and Wednesdays as well. Oh fooey! I just realized I have an hour long break between my Anthropology and Math class! I didn’t think I’d have time for lunch between classes (I planned on coming home during my 3 hour break after math), so I’ve got nothing prepared for tomorrow. Ah well. Anyway, today I just had math. It’s going to be a loooong quarter. My teacher was extremely soft spoken, and I could barely hear her in the back of the room. About five minutes into class a girl comes in late, which the teacher spoke to quietly and who immediately gave a speech in front of the class. She has Tourettes, which is no big deal normally, but Math is my absolute worst subject (second only to Italian) and I have a hard enough time staying focused as it is. Paying attention through the screams of someone who sounds like they’re being murdered is going to be impossible. I don’t know how serial killers do it. She screamed (occasionally with a good thump to the table) honestly every 30 seconds. The screams really weren’t so bad on their own, it was when words were added that really got me. Cause, you know, its human nature. If someone screams a sentence at the top of their lungs, you’re going to break focus from the woman who’s barely audible on her own anyway. And I can’t just drop the class and take something else, because all of the classes I need are classes everyone needs and so they’re all already full. So, unfortunately, I’m stuck in this class I think. Unless I want to prolong my schooling for another few months into next summer. Which I don’t.
In other news, I’ve gotten a tumblr. I was really excited about it for a while, and I still enjoy it, but I’m realizing that I’m completely disconnected from nature. My yard has stopped being a wonderful place of refuge for me. Though, the main reason for that is because I’ve begun detaching myself from this house in general, because my mom is constantly talking about moving and I don’t want to be shocked and heart broken if we suddenly have to move. I’ve never really had a home to call home and mean it, but this one was IT for the last few years, and now that we may have to sell it pretty much ruins it for me. I suppose this will make it easier when I move out on my own sometime in the next year. Anyhow, the lack of nature in my life is really taking a toll. I’m not entirely sure it’s just the lack of nature though, in that I think my passion for nature has dwindled also. I stopped taking care of my house plants months ago, and the garden fell completely to my mother because I was working at my aunts. (With a not so decent segue, let’s move on to how) I was running low on fish food so I decided to try and ration my two gold fish until I could get to the pet store for them. Being me, I eventually forgot all about them, and they went several days without food. The male has lost a lot of color, mostly in his fins which have become translucent and show his veins. I cleaned their tank yesterday when I realized I’d forgotten about them, and he was barely moving and both of them were resting on the floor. I fed them while they were in the bowl waiting to go back in their tank, and then again once they were in the tank. I’ve continued to feed them several times a day, though in very small amounts, and I’ll go to the pet store tomorrow to get more food. The female has perked up quite a lot, but the male is still slow in his movements.
The point of that little story was that I’ve seemed to have lost all of my passion for life. I don’t even have the motivation or care to feed my goldfish, which I’ve had for almost 4 years now. I’m lost, with no idea where to turn, what to do, or even the drive to get back on track. It’s horrible. My life is just a series of motions at this point. There is some joy in playing with my dogs, or drinking a cup of tea and reading a book, but for the most part my day feels empty. I know I said this in my last post (or something along the lines), but time seems to both be moving quickly and slowly. Sometimes I feel as though I’m floating quickly to where I need to be, and other times I’m trapped in a moment for hours on end. I am alone, in a sea of time, with nothing but the ever changing song of life to keep me company. I often catch myself humming, a song of varying complexity and tune. Occasionally it brings me comfort, but the joy it brings is often a reminder of what I do or don’t have, or of things I want, and I am forced back into listless enduring.
*sigh* My, I have been doing some heavy writings of late, haven’t I? Hopefully tomorrow brings new excitement and a jolt to bring me out of this stupor.