I’m really kind of starting to get sick of these titles. Anyway, as the title implies, my mother and sister ambushed me after I came home- actually, a short bit of back-story for this, because I think it is, (if not relevant) important.
To begin, my best friend M and I have been feeling extremely depressed as of late (which some of my posts have explained plainly I think), both for different reasons. We both agree that things need to change in our lives however, and are uncertain what kind of change would be best. Moving out of our homes has been a big topic, as has a change in plans for school. We’re completely Will and Grace (from the show [and to augment this I have the perfect example from tonight, when I forgot the word ‘treadmill’ and made a motion with my hand that M understood immediately]) so we’re thinking about moving in together in an apartment in the city. Anyway, we were having one of those life-discussions, that really just required alcohol, and since we’re scheduled to hang out with my neighbors roommate J tomorrow, I decided we needed to just go sit with her and talk things out on the spot. That said, one of my least favorite things is appearing my age, so talking with her about the classic teenage ‘I hate my life; what does it all mean; I need to do something exciting to shake up my life before I commit to school’ clichés was bothersome (simply because I needed to have them) but enjoyable because ‘it made me feel so much less alone in the world’ to continue sounding like a teenager.
So, M and I were at J’s house and both had to leave (M had plans to hang out with other friends right after me and my mom texted me to hint that I should come home), so I went home. I was then asked to have a talk with my mother and sister. My mom talked for most of it, explaining that she wanted our family to be a family again, and mediating between my sister and I, basically just to make plain what exactly we were saying. I did most of the talking after my mom, and all of it was in defense of my actions. My mom feels that nothing my sister has done is wrong, and I have been the one to make all of the mistakes. My mom thinks I went and talked to my sister too early, which, sorry, but I think is crap, because my sister still wouldn’t know anything that was going on if I hadn’t of told her. I also have reacted too harshly, which I don’t agree with, and am doing all of the work to maintain this “wall” between my sister and I, which I completely acknowledge. That said, I really didn’t appreciate being made out to be the bad guy. My mom even called me by my dads name at one point, and said that I was behaving just like him. She told me I was acting just like my father once when I was younger, to shock me out of behaving poorly, which resulted in tears. Today I just ignored her, because I found her shock and awe tactic to be obnoxious and have become aware of her very manipulative ways. She will tell you parts of something important, but not all of it, or tell you one thing even though the opposite is true, so she can get you to do what she wants.
Anyway, my mom talked for an hour about how hurt we all were by current events and how everyone had a right to be feeling the way they felt and that my sister was in no way responsible for any part of this and didn’t have to apologize or make up for anything (I was told “I understand why you’re hurt and angry, but you have to take down that wall”. That may be true, but I really don’t see how my sisters actions have left her completely scott free of any blame. It also just makes me feel like my mom is taking sides and picking favorites again. In EVERY situation where there’s a confrontation between my sister and I, since we were little, I am always to blame for everything and my sister gets off virtually scott free. She is always favorited and there is ALWAYS more work put into keeping her happy and making sure her self-worth is up. My mom talked about how “special” both my sister and I are, and took longer reassuring my sister of her value than she did for me. And I know that sounds like an extremely childish way to measure things, but it’s true; my mom spent more time and energy focusing on making my sister feel valued than she did for me. I was just the person in the wrong in this situation. Literally no better than my dad in my mothers eyes.
My mom also asked if I missed or loved my sister, to which I honestly replied that I don’t. I genuinely have no desire/reason for her to move back home other than to stop my dad from being able to claim child support which would result in my mom being able to keep the house. Did I mention on a recent post that my mom told me the other day we aren’t able to afford groceries at the moment? I repeated that in front of my sister; “all I hear is that we’re going to loose the house and that we’ll have to move and that we can’t afford groceries”. She gave no response, and my mom just defended herself by saying that I should’ve listened to her and let her figure things out. Sorry, but I’m not the type of person to just sit and do absolutely nothing when told that my house is going to be sold and that food is almost too expensive for me. I’ve completely lost all respect for my sister for allowing all of this to continue on, and genuinely do not miss or love her anymore. How do you love someone who doesn’t care that your whole world is ending, and does absolutely nothing to fix it when they’re asked and capable of stopping all of it? My mom has asked that we move forward through all of this to rebuild our family, but I really have no inclination to. I don’t want my sister in my life if this is the type of person she is.
My mom closed the discussion by dragging me across the room in my rocking chair to position me right next to where my sister was on the couch and putting my arm on her, as neither my sister or I were going to get up and do the group hug that she requested.