It seems it takes a shared bottle of wine for my mother and I to have a conversation. We just spent a good hour talking about my sister and I. I think it was more helpful for my mom than it was for me, because I hope it made her realize that I’m not completely unaware of my actions or those of my sister. One does not annex ones family lightly, and I don’t know that I have done so. But I think my mom was worried that I wasn’t completely aware of what i was doing. I understand that my sister has not figured her life out, and I understand that she is still wishing for something that will never happen, but I am not going to sit and be walked all over while she figures it out. “I’m aware of my behavior, and I see where I’m wrong and where I’m right. I see where i still need to grow, and I know that that needs to happen, but I am currently unable to do that. In a few months from now, wen the situation has changed, things may be different, but currently they stand where they stand. I am no means matured in my development as a person, but I am not completely unaware of myself either” were my exact words to my mother.

I mean, I suppose I really need to make an effort to put myself in my sister’s shoes, but I find it so impossible because I see how completely wrong what she’s doing is. It will never work, its a waste of energy, and it hurts the people who care about her most, more than anything. I cannot, in good health, support her actions by any means, and as far as I’m concerned, talking to her and sympathizing with her is a form of support. By not talking to her I feel like I’m helping to get her to her lowest point (because clearly her lowest point is where she needs to be before she’s willing to change) where she realizes that her life needs to change.

Again, I repeat, I understand that by no means am I a fully matured, correct-100%-of-the-time, adult (and I am not so naive to think that such a creature exists) but I do stand by my decisions and actions. Until such a time that I deem them ineffective (and I do think that time is fast approaching) and incorrect, I do not see myself changing. That said, (and I know this will sound bad) I see myself as the person who is more aware of what is occurring, and who is more inclined to change. But then of course, maybe I’m really not that ready to change. I have spent my whole life trying to avoid conflict, because it was something so easily available without provocation in my childhood, and now that I’m “strong” enough to stand up for myself, I’ve noticed I’m much less likely to change myself for others. My other problem is, I genuinely do not need the company of others to be happy. I cannot express the joy I get from sitting alone and experiencing the little things in life. Watching the sun rise above the shrubs that block the horizon, while enjoying a cup of tea and a muffin in the morning. Hearing the hum of the bees as they flit to and fro. Watching three hummingbirds chase each other about while I garden. Watching a butterfly flutter clumsily through the yard while I play fetch with my dogs. These are some of the happiest moments in my life, and they are experienced and enjoyed in complete solitude. I am solitary by nature. This is, I realize, a disadvantage when it comes to sympathizing and allowing people (back) into your life. Why should I make an effort to allow a person in my life who has betrayed me and squashed my hopes and chosen a flashy lifestyle over my family’s own existence?

I had to type all of this out, if only to again explain my feelings to the world, and even more in depth. Though, 95% of what I’ve written was said to my mother this evening. I don’t know that I took much away from what she said (as she mostly asked me questions that I have been asking myself from before the beginning of this debacle) but I do hope that what I said has proven to her that I am not so lost in my life as she may have once thought. I am not a person of action, but when I do act it is often drastic and often results in change. If only to sound…. whatever…. I am an Air Sign through and through, and adaptation and contemplation are some of my more notable attributes. I sit and think about things for days on end before I even consider acting. I am saying all of this, again, to show that I really did make an effort to think about what I was doing before I annexed my sister. Even if doing so may be the wrong thing to have done.

In other, much less exiting news. I spent most of last week working in my aunts yard and got several projects done in the three 7 hour days that I was there. I spent most of this week working out my summer schedule (I am not only taking one math course online) and preparing for my graduation party tomorrow. My aunt and I barked the lower level of my yard yesterday, and the entire yard was weeded more effectively than it’s ever been done before. As far as I’m concerned, my yard looks the best it’s ever been, school is easy but time consuming, I am happy with where I stand in life, and despite some major flaws in my family structure, I really am at peace with myself. I know my mother would hate that I have said that, but I really am much happier without the constant drain of my dad and my sister. I think I could never see my father again, and be more than happy without him. I would like my sister to amend her mistake, but I think that if she never figures out that my dad is a complete ass and that she’s wrong to stay with him then I will be none the worse without her in my life.

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