I was on my way to college today the song Landslide by the Dixie Chicks came on (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4_wXPZ1Bnk&feature=BFa&list=PLD988B7880D6D0521&index=4). It was distant song of my childhood. I’d forgotten it for years, but it was something I remembered and enjoyed. It’s one of those songs that makes you want to run through a field of wheat at the end of summer while simultaneously walking slowly through your house and examining all the items of your past as well as your memories.

I don’t know that I’ve ever truly expressed what want my life to be like. Or rather, the values I hold. For whatever reason (I’m sure a shrink could tell you the exact reason) I hold those silly old ‘American dream’ values to be of great importance. Or something similar. I think the man of the house should be out working (the fields as I would have it) and the woman should be near the home, sweeping the porch and feeding the chickens and keeping the numerous children from breaking something. I think of these values as a clear depiction of what life should be like, with all life habits falling into place to accommodate such a life style. There is a clear line of how things should be. But because of my sexuality I shall never have that.

I have always been very closed about who I am. Very few people know what makes me tick, if any. And I doubt there’s anyone who cares. This image I’ve created of how life should be makes things difficult for me. How can I have such a thing, when I cannot be a wife, nor a husband. I will never bear children or help in creating any. I am an annoying in-between. Something wishing it was something else. I have become more and more conflicted in recent months as to my life and who I am. I find who I am to be something quite irritating at the moment. The turmoil within me has given me a bit of pain in my stomache. I feel as though I am at a point where I must decide who I should be for the rest of my life. To be honest, I have a lot of conflicting opinions. I think people should be who they want to be, but because of the free flowing nature of our society, the structure that used to hold things together has slowly begun to crumble. There didn’t used to be as much crime in the world. I think that the ideals that used to be instilled in families simply do not exist anymore. Chivilary for the most part has gone from the world. eloquence and class are things only for the royals. It’s sad.
I want to live in a world where children are taught to be respectful to one another. Where the strict guidelines of society force people to be charming and gracious at all times, because to not be so would be as bad as a crime. But at the same time my personality is one that resists such things when they are forced upon it. I feel as if I am two different entities, one of thought and reason, the other of a wilder nature, though still very contained. On a daily basis it impedes my activities very little. Give me a minute alone with myself though and I begin to examine every second of the day I’ve just experienced. I’ve become so wrapped up in my previous actions that I squirm with discomfort at the thought of most of them. And 90% of them are nothing worse than getting onto the bus first, or not offering help to someone carrying a heavy load until someone else has already voiced concern. None the actions that cause me the greatest turmoil truly effect anyone else.

The blessing and curse that I live with is that I am my worst enemy. Very few could hurt me deeply, and those who would try would fail because I’ve already thought and rethought every second of the thing they might try and use against me. I over think things to the point of lunacy.

*sigh* I have managed to successfully dance around the subject I wanted to talk about without saying anything of what it is that truly plagues me. Which I’m sure I’ll be able to do sometime in the future. Hopefully. Until then my appearance shall remain as that of some man-child with a young face darkened in a sickly way by facial hair that grows faster than can be cut, sunken eyes that show nothing but the dark empty caverns of his life, and tattered clothes that give him the look of being worn and frail despite being in the prime of his youth.

I seem to have gone from myself and lived my life before it has begun. Which I’m sure I’ve said on here before. *exhales slowly* I want nothing more than to go for a walk through a thick forest at the moment.

Advertisements