Have you guys read 1984 by George Orwell? I’ve been reading it sporadically and even though I haven’t touched it in a few days it’s been in the back of my mind for most of the past couple weeks. And tonight it finally struck me. I’m a proletarian. I’m one of those people. The one’s who couldn’t tell you what today’s culture was in 40 years. Half the celebrities of today could die and I wouldn’t know any of them. I feel like all the faces could change and I wouldn’t know the difference.

I feel REALLY disconnected from society. I dress in the same thing everyday, but believe it or not I do love fashion. The flowing dresses of vibrant colors. The gorgeous handbags and hats to match. The SHOES. I find it all wonderful. But it’s so exuberant and expensive and un eco friendly I don’t let myself get caught up in it. Even though if I wanted to I would pretty much dress like Kurt from Glee. I try and stay out of the current system of the world because there’s some of it I don’t agree with. But I won’t be able to talk about anything when I’m older. I have no memories being made at the moment. This is supposed to be the time of my life right? God, this is probably the most cliché of my posts. But seriously. These are supposed to be the golden years. The years I look back on and say here’s what I did and I would love to go back. Instead I spend 95% of my time at home doing nothing. Sure, I do get out and spend time with friends on rare occasion; I just feel like I haven’t found a truly awesome best friend who I can share everything with and go hang out with at the drop of a hat. That might be in part because I’m so closed to everyone.

I know I don’t seem like it because I expose every interment part of my soul on this blog, but I’m actually really not that sociable. I’m pretty good at knowing who I’ll be friends with and who’ll I’ll talk with on occasion just to get myself through the day, but I’ve yet to find someone I can really be FRIENDS with. R is probably one of the closest people I’ve got at the moment. I mean, she was my first (flash mob) gal. But she’s leaving at the end of the summer for California. And don’t get me wrong Amber, I love to death, but I can’t HANG OUT with you. I can’t just call you up and say, Hey biotch, come over and watch this movie with me. And Trici, I can’t just say let’s go shopping. I have no one to shop with. Do you even know when the last time I went shopping WAS? Probably the beginning of the school year. I keep hinting that I want to go with my mom to look for misc stuff for the chicken coop, but she’s not interested. And I have no idea where I’d go to look for cheap old stuff. Because antique stores are too expensive.

My aunt has a pretty awesome door that I’d love to use, but my mom says it’s hideous. I love it. it would be perfect! All it needs is a bit of sanding and some paint and it’d be ready to install as soon as the thing is done. I’m not allowed to bring that “junk” home because my mom doesn’t want it sitting around taking up space. Ok seriously? It’s a door. It would go down in the garage and take up zero space, plus the garage has so much crap in it that a door would be engulfed and blend in perfectly. It’s so irritating.

You know what I’ve just decided? Tomorrow I’m making yogurt. I don’t care if I have to walk to safeway and buy the yogurt starter myself. I’m making some. I’ve been wanting to make yogurt and yeast from scratch for a while now and I’ll have nothing to do all weekend so I’m going to do it. Even if my mom doesn’t necessarily support me.

That’s another thing that bothers me. My sister has ten million projects going on and is supported 100% by everyone. Everyone is excited for her and blah blah blah. I want chicken and the only person excited is my cousins husband (the one who got me on the idea of making my own to begin with really). I want to make yogurt and I’m told I really need to find out how to do it. There’s no all in excitement and wanting to get involved attitudes like there is with any of my sister’s projects. I just find it frustrating is all.

“I’m alone in the world and no one cares for me.”

I’m glad I blogged today. I was going to go to bed because lying on the couch for the last 8 hours made me really tired, but staying up for 20 minutes to do this was worth it.

Advertisements