You are all aware by now of how much I lack in motivational skills. It takes a lot for me to actually get up and do something. I’m not really sure why it is that I’m so under motivated but I am. It’s something I have to deal with everyday. Or more accurately, not deal with. I usually can do a task if it’s given to me. Unless I’m required to go out and get the tools and set up a system and basically do everything by myself. If you give me a structure I can work with it, but when I have something general, I find it really difficult because I simply have no place to start.

While I did do a little bit of a work-out today, I spent the majority of it playing Zelda. It wasn’t until it got dark out that it really hit me that I’d wasted an entire day. I’ve been giving the dogs less attention. I’ve been giving this blog less attention. I honestly don’t know what I do with my day. But I do know that I have $5000 left to raise for my trip to Europe. And to be honest, I’m seriously considering whether I ought to be going.

Can I raise the money? I don’t have a job. I don’t have the motivation to get up and start sending emails to everyone I know to ask for donations. I don’t have the motivation to get up and start emailing major companies to ask if they will sponsor me. I want to go to Greece and Italy and France. I really do. I think they would be wonderful places to see. But at the same time I’ve got this nagging feeling that I should be home. That I should wait to go and see those places. I’m more motivated to go outside and work in the dirt and seriously make my back yard an edible garden. I’m more motivated to grab a hammer and nails and make a chicken coup.

My mom’s been telling me that I have to choose between a chicken coup and a trip to Europe this year. And to be honest, I feel like in my heart of hearts, I want the chicken coup more. Food is getting scarcer in the world. The human population has gotten so immense that we’re actually loosing soil in our quest for food; we’re using the soil that quickly. And I know it’s crazy for my to give up a once in a life time opportunity to see such amazing sights around the world because I’m “paranoid” that the world will end, but I feel like I really need to be improving the productivity of my backyard this summer.

When I went to Japan, I didn’t really doubt I would be going. Or that I should go. But I’m doubt this trip. And I know that people will say, Oh, he’s just doubting it because the money to go isn’t just falling into his lap. He’s too lazy to work for the trip, and since he doesn’t magically have the money he’s going to try to hide behind some apocalyptic excuse. But I feel like if I really was meant to go, things would be flowing more smoothly. Things would just be falling into place. Sure there would be some snags, but overall things would be moving in the right direction.

There are only three and a half months left before I leave. I have barely $2000. I feel so conflicted about this because if I begin asking people for money and then still don’t have enough and decide later on that I really don’t want to go, then I’ve just mislead a bunch of people. And if I decide not to go now, then I’ve got to explain how I was just too unmotivated to work for this to everyone I’ve told this about. I also feel like if I don’t go now then I won’t really ever has the time to again. I can’t go in ten years because I’ll have moved out and bought a house and will have no money. I can’t go in 20 years because I’ll be a third of the way through my house payments and will have dozens of animals to take care of by then. And by the time I “retire” it won’t even be an option because I’ll have a fully functional farm. This really is my only time to go. And I’m not seeing any signs telling me I should.

Of course I’ll always wonder what I would have missed. And I do realized that I sound like a spoiled brat for writing this. But… that’s the problem isn’t it? I’ve got all these buts. I’m not 100% about this. The more I think about why I’m not 100% sure about going, the less and less sure I get. I feel like I should just tell my mom that we need to stop the program and get what money we can back.

I think I need to make where I live now a prosperous place instead of flying halfway around the world to invest in nothing. I think I’ve decided I’m not going.

PS: I found this poem today in a cookbook specifically for honey things and loved it.

How doth the busy bee Improve each shining hour, And gather honey all day From every opening flower!

It’s a poem by Isaac Watts. I feel like Alice in Wonderland had something like this in it, except it was about alegators…

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