While sitting down to write today’s post I had a moment where… well I don’t really know what happened exactly. I just sort of closed my eyes and thoughts started forming of their own accord. Here’s what this moment of whatever was: “I want to disappear into myself. I want to fly into the nothingness, and yet that which is everything. To become one with the universe and all its components, but still detached and able to pulls its strings. I want the tattered life I’ve created for myself to be shred and torn and re-spun into the weavings of the tapestry of Life.” It’s hard to truly convey my thoughts and feelings about this, since so much of it isn’t something you can express with words. Or without sounding like some holier than thou religious crap. The meaning behind the words is lost without the sound accompanying them. It’s difficult to explain.
Basically, as much as I do enjoy my life, I’m a little tired of my brain. I’m fairly certain I’m loosing my mind, or at the very least, on the track to loosing my mind, I’m also fairly certain I’ve developed a tick. Whenever I get tense or embarrassed, my entire body goes rigid, which means I need to somehow loosen myself up, usually by directing all the tense energy into one movement. It’s difficult to control this movement most of the time though, so sometimes I’ll try and make it look like I’m doing something else. For example, if my head twitches I turn it into a hair flip. If my leg twitches, I try and continue the movement, usually by crossing my legs. When I have a whole body spasm it’s a little more difficult though, lol. I’ll usually try and look like I’m re-organizing myself or adjusting my clothing or something. It’s really annoying though. I can always tell when one of these spasms is coming on, which means I’ve got to try and plan how to avoid looking like a complete spaz, so I have to sit there, tense to begin with, while my tension increases because I’m trying to keep myself still (usually when I do that though I end up moving more, which makes me try harder) and while I’m trying to keep myself still I’m trying to coordinate my motion with my thoughts. I really hate my brain sometimes. Actually, most of the time.
Today was… an alright day. Nothing really happened. I had my botany exam, which was ridiculous. I drove today so I got to college about… 45 minutes before I usually do. I sat down in the caf by myself and began studying immediately. I studied up until 10 minutes before class, at which point my brain seemed to reverse its self and started forgetting things with every word I read. The test only took about 30 minutes and was under 30 questions. Some of the questions were on things we’d never talked about though. I mean really extreme, complex, difficult-to-remember words that would be skipped over during the reading of a chapter because they’re so ridiculous that we don’t even need to know them. I know for fact we never talked about them in class. I write down everything we talk about and I didn’t see anything like the words she was quizzing us on in my notes before the test.
After the test I went back to the caf and found someone to sit with who’s in my pottery class and was in my Italian class too. We talked for about 15 minutes then she went to class and I went to the pottery Lab. I tried throwing terracotta and Shasta clay on the wheel at the same time, to get a marbled effect, but it didn’t work. I used too much terracotta so the entire blob was red. I might’ve managed to throw most of my Shasta out of the ball altogether actually because when I cleaned my water bucket and the little water catcher trough there was a bunch of grey clay settled at the bottom. After an hour and a half I gave up, since I was unable to center it, and went and picked up my sister from school.
The most exciting thing today was that the sun came out! Spring is definitely on its way. The bees were out and buzzing around, the sun was shinning, the dogs were able to be outside for almost half an hour straight because it was warm and not raining. I want spring to just arrive already. I just want to wake up tomorrow and find the weather to be nice and warm and all the flowers in bloom and covered by bees. That would make my week. But alas, it will not happen.