I stayed after school for about 10 minutes to rewrite a paragraph or two for an assignment we got a few weeks ago in History. I got a low B on it which was annoying. I pay attention and take copious notes every day. I should have an A in that class. It’s too easy of a class NOT to have an A! So I reworked things a bit, and while I was in the back writing I had the most brilliant idea. I always make my favorite teachers a gift. I usually knit them a bowl. So why shouldn’t I make my student teacher a bowl?! I zoned out for a few minutes thinking of what pattern I would do. When I was finished writing I stood up, went to the door to the classroom (she was busy teaching her third period) and completely interrupted class. She started walking over to me to ask me what I needed quietly, but I didn’t bother waiting. I asked what her favorite color was, she said yellow, I smiled, said ok, and turned and walked back out the door, through the back room and out into the hall. I could hear students laughing slightly at the oddity of me, but whatever. I’m a weird kid anyway, I might as well live up to my rep.
My mom came and picked me up from school (she took today off to move things around for John who’s going to live with us for a few days before he leaves) and then we went to the Knittery in downtown to get some yarn for my projects. I’m going to knit bowls for my Nonny and Papa as well as my student teacher. Pink and white for Nonny, blue and grey for Papa, and a golden yellow with a beautiful honey-brown color that is very similar to the queen in the hive right now for my student teacher. I started on Nonny’s tonight but I think I’ve already managed to mess it up. I do it every time. After the Knittery we went to Costco with my aunt, then Joanne’s for some black ribbon and some elastic for my aunt. By that time school was just getting out for my sister so my mom dropped me off at home (I promptly began sweeping because the floor was disgusting and all my yarn cost over $80) and then went to get my sister.
By 3:30 I was done for the day and had to take a nap. I slept inconsistently for about and hour and a half and eventually woke completely up around 5 ish. There was a moment where I thought I might be able to go back to sleep but I knew it was really time to get up because the dogs started barking, I got a text, and the house phone started ringing each within thirty seconds of each other. I did still laying down in the darkness of my room just to try and prolong getting up completely. While I was laying there I had a bit of a vision or something like that. I was in the middle of a brightly lit room standing before a wooden table covered in objects. Though what the objects were I don’t know. I couldn’t really see them. The floor was very clear though, is was a deep brown type of thick wood. The kind that actually looks like the entire length of a tree was used to make the thick strips of wood instead of the tiny foot and a half panels we’ve got downstairs. The countless walls were also very clear. There were on a circular track and all revolved around the center of the room at different speeds. They kept a very solid barrier between the room and what lay beyond.
The edge of the track and the bottom of the walls (also a deep brown-wooden color) were plated in gold. A break in the spinning walls appeared suddenly, and I was able to see what lay beyond. The room continued on past the walls, but the rest of the room was dark and cold looking. It was full of dusty bookshelves, a few scattered books laying unopened on their shelves. The dark part of the room was illuminated by what I took to be moonlight, but I never saw a window or the moon anywhere. All of the walls stopped revolving the second the break had appeared and they had separated a little more when I began looking past them. I saw a ghostly figure peeking out from behind one of the shelves. It was very pale, appeared be more paper mache then anything, and balck empty eye sockets. It wasn’t scary looking really. It looked terribly cold and hungry, but I couldn’t let it join me in the warmth of my light. And then the vision thing was done.
It’s clear what it all meant. I’ve barricaded myself within myself in a place as far away from the outside world as possible. Old things I once did when I wasn’t so tightly confined have been forgotten, and only ghosts of those actions and ideas remain. There is more of me that needs to be lived in/through and I am too afraid to move into those areas. The ghost like figure I saw was asking me to give life to it by removing myself from the unbeneficial place I’ve made for myself at the moment. It was very interesting.
Anyway, it’s late and I just wanted to mention all that. Night!
PS: The second song that Cher sings in Burlesque is stuck in my head.