I decided this morning that I was going to be finished with Running Start. The pressure of all the homework is killing me, and although I hate hate HATE high school, I know I can handle the work load. And I think that this whole experience has made me more mature and focused on what I need to do. I talked things over a little bit with my mom this morning, but didn’t really have enough time to actually have a decent conversation on the matter. When I went to school I went straight to my councilor to tell her I felt that college was too much for me and that I would like to return to high school. The down side to this is that I’m now a credit behind everyone else because I’m failing Italian. So I’ve got to go back to a full 6 hours of school everyday to try and earn back the credit. When I got home today my mom and I had a bit more in depth conversation and, while she is fine with me going back to high school, she knows (as well as I do) that I haven’t been really trying to make Running Start work and thinks that I should give it another try. I’m going to meet with my councilor after second period tomorrow to talk about what my schedule at the high school would look like. I wouldn’t start classes at either place until January though, so I’ve got a bit of time to decide what I want to do.

I’m going to ask my councilor to sign the referral form so I can at least sign up for the classes I want at college, and then I have more options if I change my mind later on. Which I probably would do. I just feel like everyone’s so concerned with getting my education done as quickly as possible, but I don’t really learn that way. I actually need time to understand certain concepts. And it REALLY doesn’t help that I’ve got to take the bus every where. I’m ALWAYS feeling pressured to run around so I don’t miss the bus because if I do I’m set back half an hour. And I can’t stay after to get help one anything. I need a car…

I almost called my dad to talk about it actually. Just as I was about to though my sister came upstairs and started complaining about him. She had been down in the garage for goodness knows how long, punching her punching bag while visualizing his face. She split all of her knuckles open and was close to picking up the phone to call him up and scream at him about how stupid he’s being with the car. I feel bad that she’s taking the realization that our father is a douche so badly, but at the same time I’m glad she’s finally figured it out lol. I didn’t call him because if I had my sister would’ve gone completely berserk over the phone at him. She said that she could see white streaks on the punching bag where her skin had rubbed off. She had to put hydrogen peroxide on her hands and then some thick lotion like substance to keep the wounds clean. She thinks she’s damaged the nerves in her hand or something like that because she couldn’t control her fingers for a while. Lol. I feel like once you’ve busted open your hands and you can’t move your fingers you would realize that it’s probably time to stop beating your fists into a bag of sand.

I printed off all of my late Italian homework and tried to do it but couldn’t. It’s sooooo confusing and difficult. I feel like I’m just writing the same thing over and over, which is never a good sign and almost always means I’m doing it wrong. But no matter how I phrased the answer in English or Italian only way that seemed logical was the way I had already done it. Eventually I just gave it up because I had run my fingers through my hair so many times that my hair had fluffed up to four times its normal size and I was beginning to get too hot. I switched to my English essay after that but I didn’t get very far with that either. Damn. It’s suddenly 40+ minutes later than when I started and it’s I was hoping to get a bit more done with my essay before I went to bed. I almost considered making some coffee but my mom wouldn’t let me. Tomorrow isn’t going to be fun… Wah!

I hate my life! Ugh! I was almost crying again in first period and then again on the bus to college. I don’t know what it is that’s even causing it. And then of course when I’m home alone and I can let myself cry, I can’t cry. Which is annoying because I always feel a lot better after crying. I hate my life.

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