I honestly don’t even know where to start. I feel like crap. I don’t feel like anything. I had to watch Albus, my cat, die after she was hit by a car. I was outside on the back patio, reading and enjoying the night air, while my mom was taking my sister’s friend home. The dogs started barking like they always do, so I just told them to stop. They continued and continued, and then I heard the pass of a car. I don’t even know what I heard. I thought I’d heard the car already pass by. It was as if the noise only came to me after a few seconds or something. The rush of air as the car drove past the house gave me a bad feeling though, so I stood up to check and see what it was. Something wasn’t right, I could feel that much. And then I saw a flash of white, which I knew to be Albus. And then without realizing what I had realized I knew that she had been hit.

I ran out of the gate into the street. There were no cars in sight. Albus was jumping around, as if she were trying to catch a moth. I was so confused; I didn’t even feel like I was thinking at all. She flailed about, trying to catch this invisible moth, and finally made it to the sidewalk, where she appeared to have gotten it close to the ground. She rolled around, grabbing at the moth I couldn’t see, until finally she lay still. I couldn’t get more than ten feet away from her. I saw the blood splattered along the sidewalk. There was nothing I could do. There was no chance. I couldn’t do anything. I was shaking, unsure of what to do. Should I call the police? It’s just a cat, what would they do? So I walked swiftly, almost running, back up to the house, while dialing my mom’s phone number. Albus was safe on the sidewalk, I didn’t have to worry about her becoming even more mangled and could leave her where she was.

I put the dogs inside, not wanting to have to deal with them, when what should I hear? My mother’s cell phone, ringing from the coffee table. The one time I need something, the one time I actually call her, she doesn’t have her phone. So I tried my sister’s phone, since she’s NEVER without it. While that was ringing I moved quickly over to F and S’s house. I felt bad waking them (since all their lights were off) but this was an emergency. “Hi, I’m so sorry to bother you, but Albus was just hit by a car and is lying dead on the side walk, just over there.” It was all I could think of to say, and I was all alone, and had even less of an idea as to what to do. S asked me where my mom was, and I told her. I was mad at my sister for always needing someone over, without even having the capacity to feel mad. All my emotions had turned off, and shock had taken over. I wasn’t feeling anything, and still can’t seem to feel anything.
I waited with S inside for almost half an hour before my mom finally came home. I thanked S for letting me stay with her, told her goodnight, and walked as calmly as I could to my mom who was still in the car. All I could say as she opened the door was “Albus was hit by a car and is dead over on the sidewalk.” My sister tried to ask what happened but my mom was already telling me to get a towel and the animal carrier. I couldn’t handle going over to look at her, and wouldn’t go any farther than the back gate. My sister came in needing two more towels because Albus was such a mess. I had to wait inside. Eventually (I’m sure it was only a few seconds) I went outside and asked if I should open the garage so they could put her in there. I saw my sister holding a shovel. I went back inside as quickly as I could.

I just keep thinking about what she must’ve been feeling. I don’t know where she was hit, and I don’t want to. My imagination has been doing more than enough to give me an idea. I keep thinking of her head, because mine seemed to ache for her. I seem to know that her head was part of the problem. I can’t even look outside anymore. I had to shut my windows and close the blinds, despite the heat of my room. The color of the street lights and the sidewalk seem to hurt my eyes. I remember how her fur used to smell. It was a warm, golden-auburn-dirt smell. It made me think of the woods and lying in the dirt and feeling the sun all at once. I remember how she used to hate being picked up at times, to the point where she would howl as if you were skinning her alive. But other times she would follow you around the house and yard until you picked her up so you could hold her and she would start to purr. I loved her dopiness. Just the other day she came over from S’s and braved the dogs and jumped right up into my lap for attention. She then got up on the table and demanded I rubbed her belly. When she was younger she would grab onto your arm with her front paws and scratch at you with her back ones if you ever tried to touch her stomach.

I hardly even saw her today. Just a glimpse as she scurried out of the yard away from the dogs. Already I miss her. Since it’s so late we have to wait and take her to the vet in the morning so she can be cremated. We didn’t want to have to argue about where to bury her and how deep we should dig to keep scavengers away. I don’t know where she is now. I think my mom left her outside, behind her car. I don’t know. I have a feeling I will have nightmares tonight though.

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