My mom got me up super early which left me in a bit of a bad mood. It wasn’t even that I was up early actually; I enjoyed the cool air and getting a number of things done before noon. It was more the fact that everything I did was wrong, per usual, the fact that I was being rebuked for wanting to SHOWER, and last but certainly not least, how my mom thought she could control me by threatening to not buy my bees.

First let’s start with the shower, since the whole “nothing I do is right” thing stretched for several hours and is hard to explain as a full story. So, I got up and immediately went outside to help my mom haul the garbage cans full of bark up to the top of the yard, where they were dumped and then carried back down. Once all the garbage cans were empty and back down at the bottom, I was ready to be done and start my day. When I say start my day, I mean shower and brush my teeth. I’ve mentioned before how insane I am, and this is one of my insane things. I HAVE to take a shower in the MORNING (meaning right after I wake up) or I feel disgusting and showering later in the day messes up the flow of things. So, having finished all that, I wanted to be done, but my mom wanted to weed some more, and since it was for “my bees” I needed to be out there to get it done.

By this time I’m starting to get hungry, so we get in and take a break and eat. Also by this time, I’m starting to get irritated because my mom’s trying to somehow hold my bees against me to get me to do something I’m going to do anyway. Finally I just stopped talking to her. And she continued to keep talking and talking, thinking she knew exactly what was going on and saying all the things that were making me madder and getting her further and further from the truth. Finally I said, “I know you don’t understand why I want to shower, even though I’ve explained it to you before, so I’m just going to shower, and that’s how it’s gonna be”. That stopped her up, but pissed HER off, and made her retaliate with “well if you don’t get your bee hive painted (which I haven’t had time to do because she’s involving me in so many other projects and running me all over town) and the bee area weeded, then you’re not going to get your bees, and that’s how THAT’S gonna be”.

I don’t think she understands what she’s saying when she says things like that. I’ve tried to tell her what this beehive means to me, but she clearly doesn’t understand. I have spent the past four years wanting this hive, this yard, this base for my future. I spent the past four years wrapping all of my life’s future happiness around become a beekeeper and living the beekeeper/ botanist lifestyle. Getting these bees will change almost completely the conversations I will have and the places I will go and the things I will do in my life. So for my mom to threaten taking my bees away, she’s basically saying “you can’t have the only life you’ve ever truly wanted”. She’s stomping on all the hope I have in my life, without even thinking about it. And it makes me mad. And she’s the only one who could do such a thing. No one else could tell me I couldn’t get the bees and have the same effect. If my neighbors complained, it wouldn’t matter. If all of the sudden the nuc I’m getting failed before I got it, I would wait until next year. But my mom is really the only person of worth in my life. So for her to tell me everything I want to be can’t happen just because I’m not doing things in the order she would like makes me furious.

And if, for whatever reason, she decided she was going to take my bees away that would be the end. I would be done. With everything. A lot of the times I thought of suicide, I didn’t do it because I knew it would tear my mom apart. I’ve thought of suicide since the 6th grade for Christ sake. That’s how much I hate my life. And pretty much the only person who could guarantee it with a few words would be my mom. She could take my bees away, but she would be taking much more than that.

The rest of my day consisted of laying bark, reading my hive management book, and going to my youngest cousins seventh birthday.