I really hate human emotions. They are perhaps the most annoying thing I have come across. I have realized that as of late, my mood has been surly and all around unpleasant. Yesterday after I posted I was in such a mood that I actually asked my friend to go and buy my pot. A message from the cosmos stopped me from carrying through with the task, but that’s not really the point. The point is I’m not happy with myself. But the fact of the matter is, I’m not really willing to change. Or rather, I’m too lazy. And so I sit in my current way of life, wishing for something better but unwilling to make the change. I know my life could be happier. I KNOW that. I am just unable to do anything to change it. This phase of my life, this person I’ve become, this thing I’ve managed to do to myself/ turn myself into does not allow me to change. I am held in my current position by myself. It is very hard to explain my views and ways of thinking; as I mentioned before, a lot of my thought is done as thought.
Suicide has been something on my mind a lot again recently. I keep thinking to my self “my life would be so much easier if I just died” and finally tonight I realized what it was I had been saying to myself for so long. My life would be better in death. Its such an oxymoron. I believe in an afterlife, for those souls with unfinished business, but I like to think that after I die I would be able to cease existing and that the energies that make me up could be completely reused to make 10,000 things. And then my soul would never have to wander about, or be reborn AGAIN, and this cruel cycle would be broken. I know I sound insane. I don’t really care. I’d be happier being insane. I really would. Not a care in the world. it would all be lollipops and gumdrops; and I could grow as many flowers as I wanted for the asylum I lived in. and even if I’m not insane I’m certainly not normal. I’m completely irregular actually.
My thoughts completely ruin everything. I over think EVERYTHING. Something I’m enjoying, something I’m hating, I nit pick it apart until it’s like a dead frog in biology class. I’ve managed to make my life an impractical science. Or at least view it that way. People don’t like to hear things the way I say them. I tell it like I see it. Sometimes people think it’s rude, but I’m being honest. I think I do it so much with others because I can’t do it with myself. That’s what she said. Sorry, couldn’t let that one go. Well, now my train of thought has been derailed and shot to hell, so- I’m done.
I will post a picture or two though, because I’ve bee slacking on those.
Me-sue and Sam fell asleep on my bed so I had to take a picture. They were too cute to NOT take a picture. This was actually take yesterday, but I keep forgetting to post the pictures so yea.
I don’t know what these are called but they’re pretty. Surprisingly I was too involved taking the picture I forgot to smell them. How peculiar. Well, I’ll smell them tomorrow.
OH! And a quick reminder, I’m going to my dad’s house either tomorrow (I really hope not because I’ve got soooo much school work [but never too much to get in the way of blogging]) or Friday. I have two tests tomorrow and a few projects due Friday, so I really need to be at school. Anyway, I’m definitely going to be gone Friday night, whether I go to school night, and I won’t be back until Sunday. I’m going to try and write posts anyway, per usual.
And I think I’m going to post a bit of my will or last message or whatever you want to call it. I’ve been meaning to write this down for years, so I figured I might as well put it with the rest of my thoughts. I might find it again someday and actually write it down in an official document.
To those of you who were my friends. I do not blame you. I know I wasn’t the funniest, or the nicest or the most exciting. With my teen years came a quiet, “dull” predisposition. I have always been the least interesting person to be around. So I suppose I should be saying you’re welcome. You no longer have to feel obligated to talk to me. You can get on with your lives, your happy, normal lives. I wish you all the best.