There is an article in journalism about Secrets. For our senior issue we are allowing people to write their secrets down and hand them in to be put in the paper. So what do my friends spend all of third period doing? Making “secrets” of course. They gave them all to me to turn in, and most of them were flippin hilarious. They even changed their hand writing, and used different pens to make it look legit. When I turned them in during sixth people were laughing like crazy as they read them. I made up some lie about a group of people giving them to me at lunch, and everyone fell for it. Someone asked if they were all from the same person, and someone else immediately defended the fact that they were all from different people. I barely had to say two words about it. I hope some of them get put in the paper. My friends and I will pee ourselves from laughing so hard.

On a completely random note, my friend, L, texted me today. lol, ok let me explain because that doesn’t sound random. We haven’t talked in over a year; mostly because she was always wanting me to run around and be gay when I wasn’t ready to (I’m still not ready to) and she even managed to out me to my mom. We haven’t really talked since Twilight came out, so… December 12 2008. Wow, it’s really been that long? I sort of freaked out on her because kept wanting me to help her throw gay parties and get-togethers and she kept trying to hook me up. We were really good friends, but she mostly seemed to like me because of my sexuality. She called herself “a fag hag” tonight while she was texting me.

I’ve been thinking about her for a while; and have kind of been meaning to talk to her again, but I never got around to it because I wasn’t sure I was ready for her personality again, or if she would even talk to me after our fight. Anyway, she texted me completely out of the blue today, and we’ve been having a rather decent conversation ever since. I explained to her that “I’m very comfortable in this closet I’ve made for myself. It’s full of wonderful clothes.” so that she wouldn’t start trying to get me to do all these social things I should be doing but am not ready, willing or able to do. She really does have good intentions, I’m just too closed about myself to go out and live my life. This is the only place I ever talk about my sexuality, even though I’m out with my mom. I don’t even talk about whose cute or not with my mom, even though she’s clearly trying hard to get me to.

*sigh* I’m really getting tired of myself. I’m getting tired of saying that too. All I ever talk about is how much I need to change. I need to come out, I need to be open, I need to be nicer, I need to stop making the world revolve around me. Did you know that no matter WHAT I manage to always turn the conversation around on me? I sincerely try not to, but people won’t just talk about themselves. The only way I can ever keep a conversation revolving around someone else is if I sit and ask them boring questions. People won’t just TALK to me. I have to flippin pry the damn information out of them. It’s like, “just tell me about yourself! Don’t you see me over here talking to you about anything and everything, moving from one topic to another without even thinking about it?! While you sit over there, engaged in the conversation, but clearly getting tired of hearing about me? If you don’t want to talk about me (because believe me I’m getting sick of it myself) then TALK.” Urgh it’s so irritating.

I’ve managed to keep 80% of L and mine’s conversation focused on her though. She’s one of the few people I can talk to who will continue to talk about anything and everything. In most of my other friendships, I’m the one who has to lead the conversation because no one else will. That is, I lead the conversation with the very few people who’ll talk to me. Incase you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a loner. I have three friends that I talk to everyday, and none of them actually care to listen to me for more than five minutes. I’m the person of our group that nobody likes. You know my personality; it’s clear why no one likes me. But I don’t really seem to care enough to change. It would take a lot of work on my part, but I probably really should. Clearly I should actually, my reader base is down to nothing, I have no comments at all, I have ghosts in my house that are clearly negative towards me (and only me) and I’m loosing my mind. *sigh* maybe one of these day’s I’ll just snap completely and I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with my fingers in the dirt.

Speaking of my yard, here are a few pictures I took today, despite the weather being crap.

This is the healthiest rose bush we have, and it’s covered in yellow blossoms. This was my grandmother’s favorite flower. She died a month before I was born.

This rose is a few feet to the right. It smells fantastic.

This one also smells good, and grows over top of the pink one.

The second or third healthiest rose. It smells divine. It’s just a shame it’s so low to the ground; I have to practically get on my hands and knee’s to smell it.

I showed you this rody a few days ago (probably last week) and it’s opened a lot more flowers since then. It looks like a giant purple blob from the house.

Another iris opened up. It’s a peach-salmon color, and doesn’t smell too bad. We also have a yellow one that’s going to open up soon, plus whatever colors my mom’s are, later in the year. *sigh* even when it’s raining my yard makes me feel good.