There is something seriously wrong with me. I seem to have lost the ability to sympathize with the rest of humanity. I don’t know what to do; I’m not even able to function in society. I seem to only hurt those around me, and ironically enough, I used to be the one everyone sought out for good advice and condolences. I’m selfish, and arrogant, and I see that what I’m doing hurts people. I just don’t seem able to act any other way. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate how much I can’t stand people.

My sister and I got into quite an argument today. We exchanged our normal insults, but took it a step further. Some how I’m always the one who feels guilty and she’s always the one feeling hurt, even though she is usually the one to attack me. The turning point in the argument was when she said something along the lines of how I judge her. “Oh boo who. Everyone judges me and I hate it but I’m just going to go around judging everyone else.” I said in a mock tone. “I’m tired of hearing you say how much people judge you but then listening to you come over here and judge me.” She comes home everyday and tells me how much I need to “get a life” and then calls me lazy because I won’t get my license and continues on with a bunch of other things that are clearly stress points in my life. I don’t even know what I say to her… my mind seems bent on blocking it out.

I really do believe something is wrong with me. I can’t remember half of the things I do, because my mind WON’T remember. The harder I try the more my mind seems to turn to mush. It literally feels like I don’t have a brain and I’m sitting still just enjoying an ignorant bliss. My mind goes numb or something and it feels good, but I’m stuck struggling to remember while also floating on a cloud. I’m constantly saying the wrong things, and my words have been mixing more and more. My mind plays tricks on me and makes me think someone said something else ALL THE TIME. It’s not just a “oh I thought you said ___, hahahaha” it’s a “No you said this” and then having an entire group of people tell me otherwise.

Anyway, the fight with my sister ended moments before my mom came back from the hospital (she was visiting the friend who had two heart attacks). She asked what had been going on and then went to change. My sister (clearly close to tears) went to her room. My mom came out and asked what was wrong, “the usual arguments” I replied. Then my mom went and talked to my sister, who was crying in her room at this point and after a few minutes came back out to talk to me. She asked what was I had done to make her cry and eventually I told her. I said I didn’t agree with some of her life choices, which my mother asked about, so I told her everything bad that my sister has done. All of the stealing and skipping school. I guess I did manage to forget the alcohol though. Most of the bad things I’ve told you, I told to her. My sister will hate me for eternity, and will live with my dad for the rest of her life.

Maybe then I could finally just be alone. My mom wouldn’t ever want to come home because she would hate that I drove my sister out, and I would become even more reserved and mental than I am now. I would become addicted to marijuana, and eventually start growing it to feed my addiction. My life would crumble to ruins and perhaps I would finally commit suicide. I guess everybody wins. Now that I think about it though, My life kind of already is in ruins. I told you I was insane.

Oh and PS: I took my written test for my driver’s license. I failed.