My self confidence, as well as my productivity level, continued to drop as the day wore on.

I woke up at 9:13, was out of the shower by 10, hungry by 10:15 and out working in the yard by 11. I went out and moved the few strawberries that were in the third trough into the top two. And then I tilled the soil, getting it ready for the raspberry plants which are now sitting by my back door and are waiting to be planted.

Oh and before I forget, here’s a picture of those white crocus I wanted to show you.

I had hoped to clean my fish tank today but the sink had dishes in it and I didn’t feel like doing them so my gold fish are still hidden behind a green tank and green water. After that I mulled around the yard for a while, waiting for my sister to get up so she could help me lift the worm bin (because it still wasn’t level) but I had to wait for over two hours for her to help me. Mostly because she hates being out in the yard and preferred to watch the stupid MYV show “Rob and BIG.” The desire to murder her only increased during the remaining hours of the day.

Finally she helped me with the worm bin, which literally took me less than 15 minutes to fix. After that I had to go and find a special material we bought for the bottom of it so the dirt wouldn’t leak out and the worms would stay in. That required digging through the garage which required the help of my sister. But no, she couldn’t help me with that either. I had to plead, whine, beg, demand and order at her for about 45 minutes before she came downstairs and even then I did more on my own. God she drove me crazy today.

Now you may be thinking “gee, I wonder why you didn’t just work on something else while your sister was doing her own thing.” Our yard waste bin for the city is full and they don’t pickup till tomorrow. And if I’m motivated about something, then it needs to be done immediately. Because otherwise I get irritable and annoyed and it ruins the flow of my whole day.

I couldn’t find the thing (and I searched through everything twice) so I wanted to put some boxes in the attic. But that wasn’t going to work for my sister, who decided she needed to drag that process out too. I got most of the things I wanted to put up there, up there, but I finally gave up. I had started Pocahontas last night and I wanted to finish it today so I did. Then I wanted to watch The Land Before Time (which was a horrible choice because it made me really emotional and suicidal [because, yes, I still do feel that way sometimes]) But my sister organized our movies really weird and purposefully hid The Land Before Time in the back of the shelf so I couldn’t find it. I had to reorganize all of the movies inorder to find it. My mom came home while I was doing this, and since I was complaining to my sister about how she had no idea how to organize anything, my mom tried to say that she had put away most of the movies.

I hate the fact that because my sister wants to move down to my dads my mom comes home and treats her like she’s royalty. Of course she’s going to like you mom, you wait on her hand and foot. My mom makes me do everything, “willow take out the garbage. Willow go let the dogs out. Willow, go turn the light in the garage off.” My sister was closer to the door and she was also supposed to finish the laundry (the machines are in the garage, which is downstairs.)

“Willow, why haven’t you fed the dogs yet? This should’ve been done before I got home. It would’ve been nice if you had thought ahead.” Think ahead? Are you serious? You’re telling me, the more responsible of the two children, to think ahead? My sister can’t think ahead more than two minutes and suddenly, because the dogs are in your way at the moment, you’re yelling at me? ARGGGHHH.

Today was not a good day for me at all. I was VERY close to tears after watching The Land Before Time, which is such a bad children’s movie by the way. All I could think about after watching it was how there was no adventure in my life. My life, and that of everyone else’s for that matter, is completely pointless. We live in a dying world. Even if every human on the planet suddenly disappeared, it would still take several centuries for the environment to get back to normal. And even then, due to global warming, hundreds upon hundreds of species have already perished. I just kept thinking about how I didn’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want to be a part of a species whose very nature is to destroy.

You may think that I’m wrong, but look at chimpanzees. They run rampant through the forests also; destroying tree’s and each other a long the way. They even plan and carry out wars against one another. They will attack another group of monkeys just because they’re close. Chimpanzees at least don’t know any better. But humans know the consequences for their actions. We know that we’re killing everything, but because it’s easier to turn a profit from destruction, we keep on killing. We have it within our power, to seriously change our foot print on the world, but there would be so many of today’s businesses that would be hurt by the change, that nothing is done.

*takes deep breath* I… I just want to be done with it all. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. To live always in a dream world, where every square inch of the planet was a forest. Watching Pocahontas also made me sad. To think that places like New York used to have tree’s as wide as houses is heart breaking.

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