I went to bed incredibly early last night. I was asleep a little after 9. That hasn’t happened in years. I got a full nights sleep- 9 whole hours. When I woke up, I did the norm and got into the shower. Where all of the sudden, out of no where, I started thinking about getting a beehive again. I’ve been having this weird thing lately where if I start thinking about something out of the blue like that, it happens. For instance, a few days ago I started thinking about this guy who was in fifth grade with me. He was in my class until 8th grade. He went to a different high school for sports reasons. Guess who was at my school today? I hadn’t seen or thought or heard about him in two years and he randomly pops into my head and then a few days later he shows up at my school. And then today once I got home. I came home and watched Weeds and wouldn’t you know it, they had a honey bee infestation. If that’s a sign I don’t know what is. I had been thinking about asking my mom this morning but figured it’d be better to ask her once I got home. I guess the universe didn’t want me to forget.

I had to go to the bathroom so I paused the show and went. While in the bathroom I had this funny feeling that my sister would be inside in a few minutes. I finish with the bathroom and go and sit down and who walks up to the back door? My sister and her friend. Coincidence? Anyway, I went outside after that. I ate a few strawberries, the normal sized ones are starting to ripen, and half a dozen raspberries. I spent about an hour talking with S. I weeded. I pruned. I took a few pictures; take a look.

The currents are coming in nicely. My aunt has the same type (I think) so hopefully we can combine ours and hers and make some jelly. I’m super excited for it!

These are really cute flowers’ you just have to get really close to see them. I’m pretty sure it’s called something like ‘Star Flower’ but I’m not 100% on that. It’s supposed to be a ground cover but it’s taking forever to grow. We should’ve bought a larger patch of it. The sold about a square foot for $40. And I have about that much room that needs to be filled.

I don’t know what these are called but they have a pleasant smell and are really cute. They’re tucked up by the fence in a corner behind a tall bush so I only really saw them today. Their vibrant color caught my eye while I was walking up the steps. Aren’t they fun?

But annnnyways; back to the bees. I asked my mom once she got home, and she gave her normal response; not until you get your license. But you know what? I’m tired of that. I’ve waited over FOUR years for a hive. My mom told me that we couldn’t get one before the move because she didn’t want to hassle with moving the hive. That’s completely understandable. But we’ve moved now. And while I was waiting I got older. So her reason changed from ‘not until we move’ to ‘not until you get your license’. I can’t tell you how aggravating that is. I have WAITED for a hive. I spent MONTHS researching how to take care of them and what to do if they get sick and how to keep them healthy and what kinds of flowers they like. Clearly I’m committed to it. Rarely do I have ‘lets do it super crazy NOW’ moments. If I want to do something it usually sticks. I’ve been in love with plants since I was little. To the point where I don’t even remember where my obsession started. I found out at my cousins wedding that I used to force my cousin and my sister to pretend we lived in the forest whenever we played house.

So I truly do NOT understand why it is that I’m not allowed to get a beehive. My sister decided months ago she wanted her name painted on her wall. I have yet to see her make any effort to get that completed. My mom had to be the one to start the painting. And one of the reasons she tried to use for not getting a bee hive was that I wasn’t going to take care of it and she was going to have to do it. I don’t get it! Why is my sister so fantastically amazing that my parents are practically tripping over themselves to get things done for her, but when I ask for something it’s not a possibility. Maybe if I ran around screaming about how I was going to kill myself things would get done. I can’t even explain how much I don’t understand this situation. I’m a good kid, the neighbors like me, I hardly ever get into trouble, I don’t go out and start fights with random people (like my sister tonight at Jack and the Box). All I do is go to school, come home, and garden. I don’t ask for much, and when I do ask for something it’s usually something that’s an investment in the house or the yard.

Getting a beehive isn’t quite an investment in the house, but we’re going to get honey out of it and the flowers in the yard will all be pollinated. But putting in a pond adds value to the yard. And a grape arbor. And fig and plum trees. But am I allowed to do any of those things? No. It’s really not that much money when you think about it. All we need to do is spend a couple bucks on a pond liner, dig a hole, and fill it with water. The arbor is a bit pricier but we already have a bunch of wood lying around on the other side of the house. anyway. Back to the bees. I asked my mom about them and she said no. Which made me a little depressed an very annoyed. She started talking about how the dishes weren’t done and the floor needed to be swept and how I never mow the lawn. So I pretty much was quiet for about half an hour. I said a few things here and there, and I’m really surprised how level my voice was even though I was furious.

Eventually my mom started talking about my sister. Which really was the wrong thing to say then because it pretty much confirmed everything I was thinking. And pissed me off more. I’ve never sworn at my mother, I’ve never yelled at her, but that was really close to setting me off. If she had said anymore about it (I wouldn’t say anything so she gave up) I would’ve cussed her out. And we were outside and my neighbor’s door was open. And I really couldn’t’ve given two fucks about any of it.

**********two hours later**********

I had a very lengthy conversation with my mom. We talked about some of the issues that have been creating the tensions between me and her. It mostly made me sound like a jealous little kid, which I found annoying, but I couldn’t seem to phrase it any other way. After that whole thing though, she said that if we mapped out the prices, I could possibly get a beehive. She’s been saying that for years and I gave her estimates (exactly what she’s asking for) but she hasn’t come to a conclusion yet. So I don’t know how this is going to be any different. At any rate, I’ll have a lengthy list, and several emails between B the bee guy and I to show exactly how much everything is going to be. It’s just annoying because I’ve missed the bee season this year. All the bees are in hives already; I basically have to wait until next year. It’s an unfortunate pain, but I suppose I can manage. However, if after all of it my mom still says no, I’m done. I’m GOING to get a beehive one way or another. I’ll ask my neighbors if I can use their credit cards, and if that doesn’t work I’ll go to my dad who will love to do it because it’ll piss off my mom.

I felt bad telling my mom how I felt. She clearly feels very similar to how I’m feeling. She practically said it outright. And if she didn’t mean for me to know then she must not know how much I read into things. H wrote a poem today as part of an LA assignment and it was about her being raped as a kid. I felt so bad reading it (even though she let me and I did nothing wrong). It was just so raw and heart breaking. And it explains SO much about her. I wanted to give her a hug, but I know that wouldn’t help and I know I hate it when people do that to me. Oh and what I was getting at with this example is that I’m pretty sure others wouldn’t’ve come to the same conclusion. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. My mom is desperate to have some personal time. She NEVER gets to do anything she wants to do. Its all about doing something with my sister or me. We share interests but that’s all it is. A shared interest. We don’t go on outings because it’s somewhere my mom wanted to go. Or if she wanted to go there it’s because she thinks we’d like it. She never gets to do anything for herself when she’s home. She cooks, she cleans, and then she goes to sleep.

I suppose this summer I’ll help out more. I can’t stand doing house work. All of my efforts go into the outdoors. Ask me to do anything outdoorsy and it’ll be done. I even go out and scoop the yard if threatened with house work. 

I did tell my mom I didn’t care what my sister did anymore though. And that I didn’t want her talking about my sisters drama anymore. Which is why I felt bad because now she has to sensor a lot of what she says. And because I can get away from it easier than she can. She’s stuck with my sisters crap because she’s the mom. She can’t talk about my dad around my sister and she can’t talk about my sister around me. Who is she going to talk to? I swear, my mom is the only person I ever feel guilty about. Maybe it’s because I know I’ll always talk to her. I don’t care about hurting my sister because I’m not so sure we’ll always talk. And she’s selfish so I might as well be selfish when it comes to her too. It’s only fair.